Life Worth Living

Being Found.

2012-02-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here I am.

I have not been lost.
In fact... I have been trying to be found.

Not by what I have been found by in the past.

Not by my circumstances.
Not by my menial attitude about life.
Not by my conscious and unconscious thought processes.
Not by my mistakes.
Not by my accomplishments.
Not by my family.
Not by my friends.
Not by anyone.

But by God.

I have been trying to shrug off all that has defined me before.
What I have labeled and tried to make sense of for most of my life.
I have been trying to lose me... so that I can be found and defined by Him.
To be who I am supposed to be.
And to walk as who I am meant to be.
Not by my definitions of who I think I am. Or even want to be.
But by God alone.
By who He says I am.
Who He wants me to be.
And I have found that the only way to find out any of that, is by seeking Him out.
Continually.
Where nothing else matters.
Where only His voice... His Words... and His perspective hold the most weight.
Where opinions and perceptions don't find their way into my heart.
Where the things of my past can't creep up and take a bite out of the restoration that He and I have been fighting together for for so long.
Where I can be weak... crippled... and less. So that He can be more.
Where the worry... the anxiety can't pull at my direction and thoughts.
Where I begin to fade away... and He begins to become bigger than the self in me.
I have been trying my best to fight for the things worth fighting for...
And finding myself standing there... seeing my frailty and faults more glaringly than ever.
More than ever....

In the midst of this... of all of this... I continue to hear the whisper of my Savior....
Over and over....
Like water lapping over the sand....

"Come after Me... Come find Me"

So I have been "finding".
Not in the conventional ways.
Okay... maybe some.
But in the way...
That I stare out my kitchen window and just think.... and pray.
I put all that I feel dirty about. The stuff that I let muck up my life.
And I begin to release to Him all that has collected and crusted all over me.
My life, and how I know that it has effected those around me that I love.
My words and actions and how I know that they have impacted and hurt.
As I submerge my hands into the steaming water and let the soap begin to clean off all that doesn't want to come unstuck... I allow His grace and mercy... His love and forgiveness begin to rinse away all of me that isn't all of Him in me.
While I stand in church... I have allowed myself to be more honest than ever. To worship when it feels like I am having to rip it out of me. Not because He doesn't deserve it... but because I feel so undeserving of Him.
When I am driving in my car... letting my conversations with Him flow. The good and the bad. The pretty and the not so pretty. And letting Him converse back with me. I am listening more and talking less. Praying in the spirit and not trying to form the words that I can't even find no matter how hard I try.
I am finding myself finding Him in the mundane.
As I put away my clothes and make my bed and do the daily life stuff that has to get done, I begin to thank Him for all of it... all of those things that I take for granted every day.
The things that I have so much of, knowing that someone... so many... don't have a fraction of any of it.
And I pray for them.
And as I pray for them. The lost, the broken, the hurting, the poor.... I find what I have to be thankful for. I find His gifts. To me... and to those that I love.
And it is so much more than the monetary.
I find my desire to not just pray for the invisible... but it has reignited my passion to be able to go and see.
To find them.
To lay my hands on those out of my reach at the moment.
To feel their pain.
To see their hearts.
To look into their eyes
I have begun to allow myself to feel the burning that has welled up inside me for so long to burst into flames again.

I want to go.

In my search for more of Him....
I am finding me.
My purpose.
Not to just live my life for who I think I want to be, or who anyone else thinks I should be.
But to live my life for Him.
Sold out.
Without conditions.
Without reservations and contingencies.
I want to be a front runner... and I am tired of running from behind.
I want what He wants.
I still want more.
So much more.
But I am learning that as I continue to seek... and want... and desire... that I have to also learn that leaning on Him means waiting for Him too.
To be satisfied with the little as well.
What He has placed in front of me right now.
I think it's important.
I know that if I miss this... that I could potentially lose all of it.
All that He has for me in the making... in the coming... and in the very near future.
And I don't want to miss any of it. And of this.
To know that I am created for more... but also knowing that He has the days and times in His hands.
I know I'll go.
I KNOW I'LL GO.

I don't know how.
I don't know when.
And I can't wait until that day comes.
To do what my very being is crying out to do.
To be able to let my restless heart run free.
I can't wait to write to you from a foreign place.
To speak the words that have only rumbled inside of the pit of who I am.
To speak for those who don't have a voice. Or who do... but don't know how.
I can't wait to see with my own eyes a people and places that have only haunted my sweetest dreams.
To sit in the desert plains with only a pencil and note pad as my only recourse.
To step and walk alongside those that I have never met before.
I can't wait.

I can't wait.

But while I do....
I am continuing to seek Him out.
To find Him.
To sit at His feet... to bask in His presence.
Because I know... I sense more than anything... That it is there....
Like no where else that I can ever go in the world....

that i am found.

...until another tomorrow.
~m.

¹⁶ "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My Soul Crying Out...

2011-09-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

My soul cries out....
From a dry and dusty land it cries....

I feel like David today.
Crying out with everything in me... toward My Heavenly Father.... for more... for things beyond my comprehension.

I
want
more.

I don't have anything eloquent or praise worthy of my own to speak.
But what I have.... I want to give.

Lord.... Father.... God.... Come....
Come Holy Spirit into all that we don't even know that we need yet.
Come and eradicate the dark places and shatter the things that are holding back the things that you are wanting to do in each of your peoples lives.
Shatter our pride.
Shatter our wounds.
Shatter our held back hearts that ache because we have lost our focus of You.
Shatter God.....
And cleanse.
Cleanse us of hearts that are un-pure... daunted... and full of all the things that You don't have for us. And fill us God.
With more.....
With things that we can't even ask for... but all the things that we know that we need.
More of Who You are God.
More of You Holy Spirit.
Let us be bold.... righteous... and unafraid to live lives that are louder than the growls of the enemies around us.
Let us know God that your armies outnumbers all others.
Let us us love more and with the width God that will expand our hearts to be more like yours.
Expand us God.... and help us to see that which can not be seen with our own eyes... but that which is seen through Your eyes oh God.
Show us Father!!
Show us so that we might know that You are mighty! That You are on the move....
And Father... Father.... don't let us miss it.
Don't let us miss it!

I don't want to miss it.

So Lord.... as I sit and move and go about my way of being today....
Father I am calling out to You.... from my small spot on this earth....
And I am crying out for more.
You see us God. Whether we acknowledge you or not.
You see us.
See us God.
We want to see you Father.
Bring more God.
I don't want to settle anymore.
We can't settle anymore.
Not life as usual.
Shake us up Lord.

Shakina glory.

Come Lord.

We need You.

More than we have ever needed you before.

Father God Come!!
In Jesus name!

A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah...

¹ "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
² Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
³ Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips will praise You.
⁴ So I will bless You as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
⁵ My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Psalm 63:1-5

Unearthed

2011-08-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3517431618/

I just got through musing through my own musings.
Looking back at past posts. Thinking....
Re-thinking... re-connecting... and re-wondering about so much that has been going on in our lives over the past few months.
I feel the need to apologize... to say I'm sorry for my neglect.... but I just can't.
Not without fully meaning it.
That's not me.
And just as a side note... I have been away from here... still pondering who "me" is.
But the parts of me that I am becoming well acquainted with, I am becoming pretty sure of.

I love to write.
I would do it every day... for hours if I could. I know I've said this before.
But it still holds true ... life hasn't afforded that for me right now.
What began as our crazy... busy... insane scheduled life this past year... has blurred into exhaustion and neglect.
Not intentionally.
But it has seeped into neglecting a primary part of who I am.
I have started walking again... marching really... praying... seeking... and having conversations with God about the things that I still can't understand.
I've wanted to write... thought about it... a lot.
But every time I would get close to actually doing it... I would stall.
I'm not sure why.
I seem to be repelled by "modern" anything lately.
But I had to think a little deeper when I found my writing pad yesterday... stuck at the bottom of my travel backpack. Like a lost friend... neglected... and sadly... not missed.
I felt thwarted.
By myself.
Left bereft at my own inattention.
And although I'm not sure why I have been feeling the way that I have... I realized something more important at that moment.

God has called me to write.
I'm not sure about a lot of things...
Of this... I am starting to become a little bit more sure.
Even in the knowing... I still doubt it.
I still feel hugely inadequate for the task.
And for that matter... I wonder what that "task" is really supposed to even be?
Have you ever felt this way?
You know you've been given something.
An ability... a gift... a charge even.
But sometimes... you just feel... wrong in the doing of it.
I don't want to be self motivated in my writing.
And I guess, because I never want to write for myself... or for my own purposes... I began to wait too long.... stall on the right subject matter... and then as life has dictated... time has flown and every day has become more than what I intended it to be.
Losing a little bit of myself in the "doing".
I'm sure this is not what God has intended for me.
As I sit with my fingers flying over the keys... words forming like water being poured over a parched head... I feel....
Released.
Refreshed.
Free.
But the hesitation is still there.
So much inside of me that still feels broken.
I feel like an antiqued tricycle.
Hobbling along on stunted wheels... red paint rusted and fading... trying so hard just to get there.
I'm not even sure where I'm trying to "get to".
But I do know where I've been.
And I have been reminded of lessons that I didn't really recognize I was still learning... until I sat down here today.
In the midst of living... I didn't realize that He was still speaking to me. And I was worried that I have been missing it.
I can almost feel God smile at that one.

I have a child living in a world so far removed from her own.
Without the comforts she was raised with... without the things that all of us think we need to live our normal and happy lives.
And yet... she is more grounded... secure... and fuller than she has ever been here at home.
I miss her.
Terribly.
Part of my time with God has depended deeply on those prayers and thoughts surrounding her.
But when I see her smiling face in the pictures that she occasionally sends... and "hear" her voice in the written form that has become our only means of communication right now... I see and hear more joy and peace in her than I have ever known in her before.
I know that maturity comes with a price.
She has payed a high one.
I am completely bowled over when I think how God has begun to recompense so much that was lost for her.
I am reminded again... He is so good.
Her story alone fraught with one miracle after another.
Every one not having come easy... but when finally realized... joyfully accepted.
Leaving us all in awe that hasn't lost it's initial impact with the re-telling.

My younger daughter... the one that can not be described as our middle child... because she could never possibly be ignored... is quickly approaching adulthood...
And life that I thought would take it's time... has neglected to listen to my please.. and has turned her into a beautiful young lady in her own rights... and I only blinked my eyes.
She is still a mystery in so many ways... beguiling seems to fit her perfectly.
But she is discovering and realizing so many things that only God can show and reveal to her.
And I feel the tenuous strings that tie us to her beginning to loosen... and stream out longer.
I am seeing it with my own eyes... prayers that I have uttered and cried out for at her bedside since the moment I brought her home... beginning to take shape. Beginning to be answered.
God is so faithful.
Watching her realize who she is in Him. There is nothing more beautiful.
What an honor it is to be able to be a part of her life... it humbles me.

And then... there is my son.
Every time I think about him, I can not not be reminded of the promises that God has spoken over my life.
I begged God for one more child.
A son.
Not because we were not content with our girls... because nothing could be further from the truth.
But I always knew that I was meant to have a boy. Someday.
I just knew.
And so I pleaded.... and I prayed.
When I was told that it would be tough for me...
When my body refused to co-operate...
Even in the midst of him growing inside of me... I had to fight for him.
And like the warriors of long ago... ancient of days... our son is a fighter.
He doesn't quit.
He doesn't give up.
He is tenacious.
He holds on with a tight grip to whatever he decides to do.
And he doesn't let go.
I've never met a boy with so strong a will... and so tender a heart.
He breaks mine often.
With those eyes of his melting me in my resolves.
I am reminded of the strength of my Father in the stance of my son.

An overwhelming love that flows from the One that I feel so undeserving of...

In all His infinite glory.... in the power that He alone holds.... He hits me new every time with His compassion toward me.
His love... in spite of my hard to love personality.

God has still been teaching me.
He is still showing me more than I think I can contain at times.
And although I would love to promise that I will sit down here and write every single moment that He imparts to me....
I know that I can't.
I am still human.

But I'll try.

To do better with what He's given me.
To use the things that He has imparted to me.
In my trying not to sit here selfishly... I have been selfish in not using what has been given to me to use.
I buried my talents and didn't even realize I'd done it.
For that...

I am sorry.

So.... I close this post with muddy hands.
Sitting next to the hole that I had to retrace my steps to.
That God led me to this morning.
Having had to dig.... and get back what I unknowingly had hidden.
With the dirt embedded in my fingernails.
Chest heaving....
Ready again....
Knowing that He didn't give me what He doesn't intend for me to fully use.

I will try harder.
Try and do better.
And walk in the grace knowing that once again, it isn't about me.
I realize that I allowed "me" to get in the way.
It's hard to not have the thought process that you have to have it fully figured out before you can be used.
Sometimes....the only thing He requires... requests of us...

Is to give it our best shot.

I'm praying that I aim more than just hold onto my weapon.

Uselessness is what the enemy wants to lull us into.

I've never intended my life to be useless.

I'm choosing to shed that lie today.

If you've been there too... standing just outside of where your supposed to be... I pray that you'll start digging too.
Re-find what you have unknowingly hidden.
And begin to use it again.
It's there.
We have all been given something.
Some of us more than we think.

Walk in it.
Today.
Who knows....?
What you thought was unimportant... might just be the most important thing of all.

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

Side note...
It's funny really. That this portion of scripture, is one that has been taught over the past few months in my church... and I kept missing it. Even though it echoed in my heart. And I know it to be true... God in His grace patiently waited until I was ready to really hear it. Funny how we can miss something so completely... thinking that we aren't really missing anything at all. Geesh. You'd think I'd get that by now. ;)

Parable of the Talents

Matthew 25: 14-30

    ¹⁴ “^(K)For it is just like a man ^(L)about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. ¹⁵ To one he gave five ^[a]^(M)talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he ^(N)went on his journey. ¹⁶ Immediately the one who had received the five ^(O)talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. ¹⁷ In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. ¹⁸ But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his ^[b]master’s money.   ¹⁹ “Now after a long time the master of those slaves *came and *^(P)settled accounts with them. ²⁰ The one who had received the five ^(Q)talents came up and brought five more talents, saying, ‘Master, you entrusted five talents to me. See, I have gained five more talents.’ ²¹ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and ^(R)faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will ^(S)put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your ^[c]master.’
   ²² “Also the one who had received the two ^(T)talents came up and said, ‘Master, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more talents.’ ²³ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and ^(U)faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.’
   ²⁴ “And the one also who had received the one ^(V)talent came up and said, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed. ²⁵ And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’
   ²⁶ “But his master answered and said to him, ‘You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. ²⁷ Then you ought to have put my money ^[d]in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest. ²⁸ Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.’
   ²⁹ “^(W)For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. ³⁰ Throw out the worthless slave into ^(X)the outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth".

Not enough...

2011-06-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... words are just not enough.
At least not my own words.
Sometimes you need more... something... or someone else to resound what is so deep... when mere words can not fully convey their depth....
To wash over you... fill you... and allow what can only be done by sitting still... silent... and then with arms flung wide... proclaiming all that you believe... and all that you are holding out for...

This song does that for me.
I have found myself in this pattern of circling around... coming back to these three things....

Faith.
Hope.
Trust.

And for me... at this moment....

This song says it better than I can.

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

Chris Tomlin... I Lift My Hands.

Days....

2011-05-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

I can not believe that I did not write one single solitary word in the entire month of May.... until today.
The last day.
I wrote.... in my head.
I thought... and I pondered.
So much of "life" has taken place in the past days.... days that in some ways have felt like forever.
So many things that happened.... even before May shone it's face on our lives.

There has been surgeries.... and fear.
Extreme moments for me to turn my face toward God... and not away from Him.
Moments when I sat up at night.... keeping watch... snuggling close... and crying out with a love that won't let go. Not ever.

Opportunities to show love... give love... and erase doubt in the minds of those that I love.
Allowing them to watch me stand... even when my knees get shaky.
Hopefully really showing them that it is not my own strengths that allow me to function at all.

There have been days when I kept questioning.... why?
Why would You allow this into our lives.... and then.... understanding.
Seeing with my own eyes... becoming more in awe of Him than I already am, because He simply deserves that kind of complete reverence.
Watching Him do what only He can.... and further humbling me into abject submission.

He walked me through a situation that has made me realize that it isn't about the event..... but about what I choose to do in the midst of that event that really mattered.
How I choose to surrender....
How I choose to see things... not through my eyes... but through His.
How I allow Him to use me, and the things He has placed in my hands.
Hands that felt like flinging those "things" away... tired and worn out.... frustrated and done....
I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that if I had... if I had given up... walked away...
I would have missed out on one of the biggest blessings of my life.... one of the sweetest memories that I will hold close for days to come.... one of my biggest lessons that He has ever taught me.

He taught me that opening my mouth isn't always the option.... but keeping it closed is often the better choice.
He is still working on me with that one.

I realized that although He will heal some things in my life... He may choose not to heal them all.
In the midst of my tantrum one day...just He and I... He patiently asked me again, even if... will I still choose to serve Him?

I walked through one of the hardest fastings in my life.
Being made fully aware of my pride... of my wanting to control.... and tell God how to do things.
It left me undone... wrecked... broken... and put me back in the place that I needed to be.
With self inflicted wounds that I didn't even realize I had ... at His feet.... understanding that in the midst of all that I see... all that I try to "do".... that HE IS GOD.
I am not.
And I hope that I won't have to keep learning that lesson.... in the way that has kept me from understanding how He works... and just how much He loves me.

He has reminded me that patience and perseverance are the keys to being able to realize what He is promising... never loosing hold... never letting go of the hope that He has placed right in front of me.
He has held out faithfulness.... and I have found my own lacking...
He has renewed me in ways that I can't even describe in words... speaking when I thought to find Him silent... finding out that I needed to be quiet before I can really hear what He is trying to say... what He hasn't stopped saying....
My voice just got louder than His.
Demanding.
Wanting.
And thinking that I knew the way better... that I knew how to do it better.... Oh... what a shameful thing our own will is.

He has again shown me what it should look like to love... to forgive... even when I feel like that "one" doesn't really deserve my forgiveness at all... or in the very least... not before they receive the piece of my mind that I want to serve them.
He never serves me what I deserve... how is it that my flesh always desires to do differently?
How hard this lesson has been for me to learn... to walk through... the one that I am trudging through at this very moment.
When it has been my children... the ones being wounded.... the fight in me wants to come out swinging... wounding like they have wounded us... "Not worthy!!"
That is what I want to shout..... to lock them out of our lives and close the ranks on my family.
And as I turn in my wrath... I hear my echo... as it bounces off the rocks and mountains surrounding me... it comes back to me.....
".... Not worthy....."
The echo of it hitting me right in the middle of my chest.
Breaking the walls that I want so badly to resurrect... to fortify... for our protection.
For my protection.
I feel like I have told Him I'm sorry so many times this month.... during so many situations....
This one being the slam at the end of it all....
And you have to understand as my tears are wetting my fingertips... as I am feverishly wiping them away.... typing again... wetting my keys....
I know what He is asking my family to do....

I wish it didn't hurt as badly as it does.
I wish I could let the opinions of others bounce off us as if they don't matter at all.
I wish that I could shield my children, and those that I love, from the thoughtlessness that we all suffer from, impeding us, and trying to trip us up.

IF I am going to preach forgiveness... I have to forgive.

IF I am going to spout out words of love.... I have to be willing to love those that I wouldn't choose to. That I don't want to.
That I am angry at.... faceless... only armed with the knowledge that they have wronged.
Making me feel helpless.... frustrated.... and seeking redemption in a senseless situation.

Our family has been called to be different....
To not be the same....
To even stand out as odd to those who don't understand.
And to understand ourselves that that will always cost us something....

I am being taught by ones that have been taught by me....
Being humbled by the grace that I see in their faces... in the very depth of their eyes... every time I look into them...
Every single time.

Yes... this month has brought many things.
And although, as I sit here, ready to close out what has been an exhausting season... one that I am ready to let go of... I am also cognizant of the things that I need to deeply hold onto, the lessons that I have learned.

Grace... that God has given me... undeserved... and unrestricted.... knowing that I need to be just as willing to give it as I am to receive it. Having received it as well from those closest to me, who love me most.
Not an easy one... let me tell you.

Trust... in my God who has never let me down.
Who continually and patiently reminds me that He is worthy of all things in my life.
Believing Him... and taking Him at His word.
And trusting others... those that have proven their worth in my life. Old friends, and new.
Their faithfulness to my family, continually loving us in the midst of our circumstances.
This by far has been one of my greatest treasures from this season. The reassurance that we are most definitely not walking this journey alone.
We are not alone.

Hope... faith.
Such simple words... and yet in my opinion... one of the hardest ones to live out in the life of a believer.
Having it tested over and over again... beaten and tirelessly tried...our enemies ultimate goal for us to be defeated in.
I am continually reminded how often we are attacked on this front and how diligent I need to be to protect it.

Letting go....
Of the things I have no control over, and even the things that I think I can.
I don't think I'm done learning this one.

So many things.....
So many lessons learned.
Fear turned to trust.
Pride turned to humbleness.
Frustration turned to understanding.
Anger turned to grace.
Unforgivness turned to love.

I know that I am still on a journey.
One that has taken me far... and continues to promise distance that I hope to look forward to.

And as I stand on this horizon... ready for the the rising of the next dawn....
I am still anticipating.... still longing... and still wanting more than I ever have.

I hope that it is something that I will never stop doing.....

My God IS the God of a million sunsets... and the only One who can promise the dawn of every new day.....

He is....and was... and always will be.

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

^1"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name. ² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits; ³ Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases; ⁴ Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; ⁵ Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:1-5 NAS

"Test me, LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love
and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness." Psalm 26:2,3 NIV

Flying....

2011-04-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

She leaves today.
Again.

I've had to do this before.
Releasing.... letting go... and setting free.

My emotions are all jumbled up inside.
Colliding with all of the things that I am already struggling through and fighting with.
At first glance I am excited.... thrilled... and steeped with anticipation.
At second.... I am thoughtful... mindful... and wanting more than anything for this to be one of the greatest adventures of her life.

And then there's now... right now.... when as I drove home from dropping off one of my youngest to school, and the song that she just choreographed began to play in my car and surround me, that it slammed right into the middle of my chest.....

She's leaving.
Again.

It's okay... in the rightness of that word.
It's more than I can think or ask.
To allow her to step... and lunge into the depths of my Heavenly Father.

But it still stings just a little.
It still pings off my heart.... and makes me catch my breath in small gasps at this very moment.

It is right... and it is good... and as I recall the movements in her dance where she fully engaged and portrayed part of this journey that she has been on so far, during this small picture of time in her life, the tears fall in earnest.

She isn't going because she wants to.
She isn't going because she is longing to get away... and get out of her mundane existence.
She loves it here. She loves being home.

She is going because He's called her to.
She is going because she loves Him more than she loves her own comfort.
She is going because she chose to believe Him when He said to her... "You are called to be set apart."
And she is going because although it pains her to leave home again... to leave all that she knows... loves... and wants so much to be apart of... She won't risk what saying no means to her... to Him.

She is being obedient.

And I am humbled by her obedience.
I know what it is costing her. What it has cost her before this.
I am awed by her heart that is breaking at the moment... and wanting to cling to what she knows won't hurt her. Not really.
Not the way she was hurt before.
The way that has still left bits and pieces of crumbs still clinging to her memory... still sticking to her heart.
But I can't allow her to stay in this place that can only offer her stability... and no room to span the beautiful wings that God has given her.

They stretch far... and they will go wide.
She can't extend them if she stays.
And she knows that... and so do we.
She has always been meant for so much more.
So much more than we can even foretell on our own.

She is meant to go farther... reach deeper... and impact in ways that she can't here.
And although the wounds are still fresh... and the scars are still pink... He won't waste what has gone on before.
He uses it... and builds off of it. And if we let Him... will make us to succeed in ways that we couldn't imagine He could when the hurt was deep and the wounds were at their deepest.
He doesn't set us up to fail.
He hasn't set her up to fail.
And I know that He won't fail her.
We can't control what people do... how they choose to live their lives... how they choose to ignore or allow God to grow them... even when using us in them.... but we can choose to not let those choices stay with us in a way that would stop the growth... and inhibit what God is trying to do in us all.
We can't stay this way.....
She can't.

And I know that is why He is calling her out.
Calling her out when she is not feeling ready yet... not wanting to let go.
It is like the pushing of the baby bird who steps cautiously toward the end of it's nest.
It looks scary... it looks far... and it looks dangerous.
I am that mama bird... nudging her on... and pushing her forward.
Because I know that if she stays too long that she won't ever want to leave at all.
That she will never experience the joys of souring..... dipping through the air... and flying with the wind in her face and feeling the exhilaration that only comes when doing what we have been born to do.
What she has been born to do.
She will never know... if I choose to be selfish... if I choose to do what feels most comfortable to me...
To hang on tight.
To not let go.
And in the long far reaching impact of it, keep her from the dreams that not even she realizes are going to be released when she finally takes that step off... and out.

So I am letting go again... today....

And when I watch her walk away from me I am going to imagine her wings... beginning to unfurl... and gently begin to span....
And I am going to be watching the beginning of something so beautiful... something more different than the last time.
I almost knew then.... I almost knew that she would come home wounded and beat up.... my tears felt wrenched from places that I didn't know I could feel from.

But not this time.

My tears are coming from a heart filled with more love... more hope... more anticipation... and more dreams for her to abound above what she is just experiencing in the moment and feeling as her footsteps take her farther and farther from where it seems "safer" to be.

I am anticipating more....
And I am hearing that song again rise up... and take flight of its own.
Swirling around us all... and dipping in and out of the crevices of all of our hearts....

"He is jealous for me... loves like a hurricane... I am a tree... bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.... when all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory... and I realize just how beautiful You are... and how great Your affections are for me.... Oh... How He loves us... Oh. Oh how He loves us..... How He loves us.... Oh."

I can almost feel the soft breeze fluttering against my own cheeks as her wings begin to cautiously and gently move out... as the breeze of it begins to dry the tears that have already begun to fall as I watch a piece of my heart begin to take flight.....

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

^6-18 "God makes everything come out right;
      he puts victims back on their feet.
   He showed Moses how he went about his work,
      opened up his plans to all Israel.
   God is sheer mercy and grace;
      not easily angered, he's rich in love.
   He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,
      nor hold grudges forever.
   He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
      nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
   As high as heaven is over the earth,
      so strong is his love to those who fear him.
   And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
      he has separated us from our sins.
   As parents feel for their children,
      God feels for those who fear him.
   He knows us inside and out,
      keeps in mind that we're made of mud.
   Men and women don't live very long;
      like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
   But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
      leaving nothing to show they were here.
   God's love, though, is ever and always,
      eternally present to all who fear him,
   Making everything right for them and their children
      as they follow his Covenant ways
      and remember to do whatever he said." Psalm 103:6-18

Is It Enough...?

2011-04-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with one thought...
"Lord... I just need to know."

It might sound awkward to you.
It might sound... unknown.
And maybe a little unbelieving.
But I needed to know.
I needed to feel Him today... in the midst of my circumstances.
In the midst of my pain.

My youngest daughter has been sick.
She... and we... have been struggling with watching her battle one thing after another.
One foreign ailment, ache, pain, and scary "what if's" from doctors for months now.
And....
I
just
can't
take
it
anymore.

Not for her.....
And not for me.....

I am wound tight.
Tired... disillusioned... and wondering what I have to do next.
And what He is requiring of me... of us... of her.

And it with this that I cried out before the sun hit it's mark this morning.

Would it be too much God? Father.... are You willing to give me some sort of sign that it is all going to be okay?

Word after word that has been spoken....
Healing... that is coming... but we are holding out on a thread.
My grip on the sheer rocks that I have been clinging to lately... for what seems the longest periods of time.... are starting to slip.
My hands are tired... chalky... ripped and bleeding....
I am tired... worn.... and....
I
just
want
to
let
go.

But I can't.
And I know I won't.

Today....
As I wrapped my arm around my husband before we even got out of bed, I asked him....

"Please pray."

He knew.... like me... that we couldn't repeat yesterday.
We can't keep the pace that we have been running at.
Just when I thought that we had reached our levels of desperation.... we hit one more level of need.
And so he began to speak what I needed to walk in today... what I needed to hear and cling to today.

I don't know why... why we are having to walk through this...and why He is requiring what I feel I don't have anymore to give. I am grasping to try and understand it.
But as I dropped my daughter off at school today... thinking about her limping around on her knee that is causing her excruciating pain every day lately... and refusing to let my mind wander too far ahead of us to next week when I will have to surrender her to the hands of her doctor for a surgery that I am too afraid to admit fear to....
I once again sent up my heart.....

I receive daily devotionals... and I can't tell you how many times God has used them in my life.
NO..... really used them.
It is like these women, different authors every day, know what I am going through.
They seem weirdly connected to my heart in some unexplainable way.
And so it was today....

Here is what I read.....

Proverbs 31 Ministries

And I immediately heard Him whisper to me....

"Is it enough?"

Is
it
enough?

"Is it enough that I've asked you to trust Me?"
"Is it enough that you know that I love her more than you do?"
"Is it enough that I have promised... and is it enough that I have said yes?"
"And is it enough that you would be willing to live your life out.... for others to see... just like you've told
me you want to... to show what it looks like... to walk... and to fight for what you believe is yours?"

"Is it enough?"

And as I sit here... pondering all of this.... crying with tears that I thought had long run dry on this particular topic, coursing down my face.... I realize that I have a choice to make.
Once again....
And as I realize the things... the other things that He has been busy doing... in the life of my oldest one...

I am astounded once again at His faithfulness.
To the prayers that I longingly prayed last year... as I sat a world away and watched my oldest daughter hurt... and struggle through what she needed to learn from. What she needed to be broken from... and built back up again to....

Tomorrow we put her on a plane again.
And this time... this time is different.
We are not sending her to places unknown to people that we thought we could trust.
We are sending her to a place that has been dear and close to our hearts for years... a place that we have not stepped foot on... but somehow God has already destined for some of us to go.
God has already gone before her.... He already sent someone before her... someone I never would have thought.....
And she is being anticipated for... already loved on... and ministered to... and she is still a bedroom away from me.... sleeping... dreaming... and waiting....
And I am once again reminded what He has done for her.... what He has promised... and what we can not undeniably forget....

He is faithful.
And what He promises is true.

And it is not lost on me... that this place she is going to... isn't even a place that she ever dreamed of going to.
It's not where she wanted to go....

But it is somewhere her sister wants to be... someday... and soon.
She has been dreaming and planning for this place for the past several years.
She has spoken of it... determined to go.....
And she was a little miffed that her oldest sister gets to go there first.
But my oldest said something to me a few weeks past... not understanding why... and wondering at the plan of God in all of this...

"Mom, do you think that God is taking me there for K?"
"Do you think that He is going to use me to prepare the way for her....?"
"I don't know honey... maybe..... Possibly."

"Could you possibly be weaving both of my girls callings together.... uniting them somehow... someway?"

I don't know.... I just don't.
But I somehow sense that He is. And at the moment I can't understand it.... but I don't need to.
That my one daughters call is in some way connected to the other....
And somehow... we are all joined in ways that I can't fathom or explain.
I am still wondering... but in there, there is hope.
Hope for a new day.
Hope that my youngest daughter will reflect and see someday all that God was doing... and what He has done...
And that she will see better than any of us do today that He has been... was... and is working on all of our behalf.

So that question that He spoke to me... whispering it to my heart... echoing even now in the depths of my soul.....

"Is it Enough?"

"Yes Lord.... today... and for now.... in all that I don't understand, or even in all that I fear.... it is enough."

"You.... are enough."

... until another tomorrow.

~m.

Because I know what He went through for us... I can hold on tight.

Isaiah 53:9-11 The Message Bible

^"7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
   but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
   and like a sheep being sheared,
   he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
   and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
   beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
   threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
   or said one word that wasn't true.

¹⁰Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
   to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
   so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
   And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

^11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
   he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
   will make many "righteous ones,"
   as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
   the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
   because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
   he took up the cause of all the black sheep."

^"18 I wait in hope
for your salvation, God." Genesis 49:18

"And then I'll stir up fresh hope in Israel—the dawn of deliverance!— and I'll give you, Ezekiel, bold and confident words to speak. And they'll realize that I am God."Ezekiel 29:21

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart..." Proverbs 3:5 NIV

Hope Rising...

2011-03-09T10:55:00.000-08:00

Testimonies.

They are powerful things.

Especially when they are yours.

In the midst of tough circumstances... in the battle with the things that bring pain into our lives...

There is hope.

As I drove home this morning, with the sun shining, and the breeze bringing with it the promise of warmth to sooth the parts in me that have been cold.... I was gently reminded of that hope.

The glimpses that God keeps giving me.

Like the sunshine today, right in the middle of our cold and unusual weather for this part of our world.

The sudden rains... the wind that snaps with a bite that runs clean through your cloths leaving goose bumps and thoughts if you will ever get warm again.

I usually love the cold weather. I relish it.

I don't take kindly to heat and the feeling of utter stickiness and the wanting to get out of my skin that it usually makes me feel like.

But today.... and during seasons when the cold in my life has begun to take it's toll....

I long for days like this.

To walk outside and turn my face up.... letting the sun lights rays just penetrate to the very core of my being.

To run with a knowing that much like today, my life holds more than just the constant storms that have seem unending and relentlessly beating down my door.

We have been through many storms in our lives.....

My family and I.

We have weathered them together.

Huddled as one on our little boat of life... that at times has felt so small and so daunting, unable to withstand the wind tossed waves breaking constantly over us all.

Today I have this picture of us... huddled together... arms wrapped tightly around one another... beginning to lift our heads up....

Eyes beginning to look up.... to see....

Feeling the light on our faces as we glimpse out at the sun just beginning to rise out from our seas.

We are still grasping tightly... holding on.

We are still waiting... and praying... and keeping each other closer.... almost afraid to let go....

But last night.....

As crazy as this sounds, I once again was reminded that I will soon have to let go.... again.

And it brought me hope.

As I took that drive home today, I realized that with this next letting go moment... that something has shifted.

It feels almost physical.... it will be in mere weeks to come.

And I'm not sure if I'm ready yet.... but God has made the choices for us.

He has called one of us out of our little huddle... and with that release of our arms that have been surrounding one another for almost a year now.... we are all going to be forced to straighten our stance a little.

We will need to be ready for what God is calling the rest of us to as well.

It isn't about just one of us... it has always been about all of us.

Us and Him.

And as He showers me with His hope... His redemption... and His whispers of more... I am once again reduced to tears.

What does the future hold?

I don't know.

I dare to hold my breath for it.

Unable to speak of it... unable to hold out for more of what I truly want from Him.

What He has promised to me... to us.

But I am.

Today... because of what He did yesterday....

I can feel it rising.

Like the sun over our storm tossed waters....

Glimpses of what is to come...

And the knowing that He has so much more in store for us.

Much

As I begin today....

As I decide to allow myself to take in what it is He is at the forefront of....

I am hoping for you too.

That you will feel it.

And that this time it won't just be about us looking out...waiting...

Wondering for when....

But that we will begin to see it as our reality.

What He has promised He will do.

He Will.

If we let Him.

Because He isn't a God who forgets.

He isn't a cold statue that sits and waits for you to bring things to Him.

He comes to us....

He sees us hoping... coming...

And He runs to meet us.

With arms outstretched.

And what He has prepared for us....

We can't even begin to imagine.

Not in our wildest dreams.

I am hoping for more....

And I am letting it rise....

Will you?

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"But because the LORD loved you and kept the oath which He swore to your forefathers, the LORD brought you out by a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.
⁹"Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments;" Deuteronomy 7:8,9

God gave this verse to me when my oldest daughter was a baby.
I was struggling with fear and torment.
I had forgotten His promises... and my hope.
At a women's prayer meeting that my mother in love took me to, I got this word.
And I have been holding tightly to it ever since.
That was years ago....but I know...
He is faithful.
Don't forget what He has promised to you today.
I want to encourage you to lift them up... bring them before your King... cry out for all that you are trusting Him for....
And let the hope rise......

This song has been ringing through our home... through our cars... and through our lives....

I pray it blesses you today....
I hope you will let it.

What I Was...

2011-03-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

^"18-19Here it is in a nutshell: Just as one person did it wrong and got us in all this trouble with sin and death, another person did it right and got us out of it. But more than just getting us out of trouble, he got us into life! One man said no to God and put many people in the wrong; one man said yes to God and put many in the right.
^20-21All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end." Romans 5:18-21 The Message Bible

How often I have missed it.
It.
Grace.
The wrong doing... mine, not knowing... or understanding, because I failed to do things God's way.
And as clearly stated... there is no grace in that.
How often in my own life has it been done to me?
Failed grace?
And how often has it been my undoing?
The offense.... the hurt... the indelible mark that someone else's wrong choices or decisions have inflicted on my heart?
And yet.....
I am called, by grace.... to grace.
It's not an easy concept to grasp.
It's not even an easy concept to speak of or say.

Forgiveness...
It comes out weighty... breathless.... and delivers a punch to our advisory that we don't understand nor can we fully grasp. Because if we did... we would exercise it's worth far more.

I have experienced many things in this lifetime. My lifetime.
Hurt beyond measuring... and wounds deeper than my own knowing.
God has been intricately working with me.
Taking apart and unpacking, with surgical precision, pointing out the lesions and fault lines that could potentially de-rail everything that I have been working so hard toward.
I have to be honest, that these are the places that He has had to stop, let me catch my breath, and breathe slowly through.
It is in the places of forgiveness and grace.
Unmeasured.... and undeserved forgiveness and grace.

To the one who knew what they were doing...
To the one who didn't.
You see, in God's eyes.... they are all the same.
Offenders... are most remarkably.... candidates for His grace... His mercy... and most importantly for His love.
And I haven't understood the importance of my role in all of it. In all of this.
I have the potential to release... or hold on.
I have the power to begrudge... or loose free.
It doesn't mean that I am condoning... it doesn't mean that I am saying that what they've done is okay.
What I am saying is this....
"God I choose to let You have Your way. Not mine. Lord, I allow room for Your grace, Your forgiveness, and Your justice. I am going to let You do what only You can do in this and all situations. Conviction where it's needed. Restitution's where it's needed. Restoration in the waste lands. And reconciliation where I can't see a way for it."

I may struggle with it.
I may have to pray that prayer fifty times a day...
But like so many other things in our lives... like so many other decisions that we choose to make on a daily basis.... the outcome doesn't just rest on us. It isn't just about what we are feeling at that moment, or what we see as just or unjust.
It will affect our futures... it will affect our relationships... it will affect how we view all other offenses and wrongs in our lives.
It will affect our friends... our family... and for me, most importantly, it will affect my children.
How they see me live my life.
How they watch as I walk through tough circumstances and how I face them, and deal with them, will teach them lessons far greater than those that I just spout out of my mouth.
They will see for themselves... they will weigh in and try to understand what it is I am trying to convey....
That the same grace that I was given.... I have to give.
The same unfavored and undeserved forgiveness that I have been dolled out.... I have to return.
Not as the person I was.... but who I am. And who I want to be.

I am not perfect.
There are days when the heaviness crowds in and the grace is pushed out.
There are times when my anger and frustration override His still small voice.
Even in the moments when I want to shout.... "What about justice!?"
His response continues to floor me... perplex me... and ultimately humble me to my core.

As I read His Word, it is as if I can hear Him say.....
"You didn't deserve My grace.... but I gave it. And I keep giving it to you."
"You were wretched... dirty... and unclean. And I picked you up, washed you, cleaned up your mess and made you beautiful for everyone to see."
"You were unworthy... unwanted... and drowning in your own misery. I picked you out.... chose you... and made you My own. I have adopted you, and made you Mine."
"I have done all of these things..... and so much more that only you and I know about.... I have given you more than you deserve."
"So why then not my justice and yours instead?"

It is not easy.
This grace thing.
This forgiveness stuff.
It is unwarranted.
It doesn't even feel right most times.
If God is so just... then why not see things in my favor? Why not justice for my cause?

And it always comes back around to this... to one thing... to One person...

Jesus.
He was treated more unjustly than either you or I can ever claim to.
He was beaten.... bruised... crushed under the heals of men that had no clue Who they were wounding with such abhorrent and excruciating afflictions.
In light of His pain... His suffering... His utter obedience to the Father to allow God's justice and not His own to take place.... our "things", our offences, our hurts and our grievances begin to take on a whole new light....
I'm not saying it's okay to do wrong things.
I'm not saying that we should be excused or excuse offensive behavior as okay or acceptable.
But... we do... have... to... forgive it.
Give grace to it. And invite God into it.
To be willing to cry out.... "Abba Father. Not my will... but Your own."
Just like Jesus did.
He sees the hurt we are experiencing... He sees the injustices being played out... and He wants to come... to rescue.... to heal... and to make right what isn't and what hasn't been for so long.
But we have to surrender it first.
We have to be willing to let go... and let Him handle it the way that is right.
The way that is just.
The way that is fit for that particular situation that we are crying out to Him for.
But it is His way... and not our own.
We can't even begin to understand... not truly.
And I think it is because we know that He pardons sin... forgives graciously... and sets free the captive that we balk and choose not to let Him.
We see the offender as undeserving.... unrelenting... and not worthy of it all.

Let's be honest.
Because if I am... I can truly say that I know that this is the primary reason that I struggle with forgiveness at all.
It's not fair.
To let them walk free while I bear the scars of their afflictions. Making them my own.
It's not right that I have had to bear the burden of their incrimination's....

It's..... not.... fair......

And either were we.
When we mocked Him.... when we scourged His back with so many lashes that He was at the brink of death itself.
We didn't recognize who He said He was.... Who He is... and What He came to do on our behalf.
No. Instead we ridiculed.... we turned away... we partook of the handing out of His suffering....
We.
We did that.
Our sin put Him on that cross.
We do it over and over when we decide that what He did on the cross wasn't good enough for us.
That is wasn't enough so that we can hold onto our offences... our hurts... and our justifications.
We are saying.... that it wasn't enough.

Is that what you are saying?
Is that what I am thinking?
I hope not.
But I know the terrible truth of it when I say, "I'm sorry God... I just can't. And I won't."
A harsh reality... but the truth all the same.

"I am so sorry Father.... I am so so sorry.....
I haven't meant to shut out Your grace.
The grace that You have so generously shared with me.... that you continue to give me every single minute of every single day that I draw breath. Because I know that I need it.... without it... I am lost.
I am what I was.... and not who You have called me to be.
I am not allowing myself to walk in the freedom that you lived for. That you died for... and that you daily hold out for me to grasp onto."

I am going to make mistakes.
I am going to fail in ways that make my stomach hurt with even the thought of it.
I am going to fall... trip... and hurt those that I would never in a million years want to hurt.
And I want them to forgive me.
I want them to cry out to God for His help in understanding and love....
I want them to want to embrace me and not hurl me to the pit where I deserve to be.
Where their justice can be served.
I want them to look at me with grace filled eyes... grace filled love...and grace filled forgiveness.
Not because I deserve it... but because He came and modeled it for us first, and what it should look like.

The harlot surrounded by accusing shouts... rocks held in fists ready to be hurled... to exact justice that the law allowed.... To end what surely was her choice to begin with....

And there... right there... Jesus walks in....
He silences the crowd with these words...

³The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court,
⁴they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act.
⁵"Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?"
⁶They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground.
⁷But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
⁸Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground.
⁹When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court.
¹⁰Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?"
¹¹She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either Go From now on sin no more." John 8:3-11

You and I are that harlot.

We do have to take responsibility for our mistakes.
We need to say and do the things that bring the restoration that God longs for us.
It is right to try our best to bring about peace in a un-peaceful circumstance.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18

But nothing can erase what Jesus did... and what He calls for us to do.
The importance lies in the actions of living out our lives with grace and forgiveness at the forefront.
Is it easy? No. Especially not on our own.
But is it possible with first our surrender, and then God's strength and power in our lives to accomplish it? Yes.
IF we choose.
And if we do, it is there that the restoration.... and hopefully.... ultimately... the healing will begin.
The healing and restoration that only God can promise us... in the only ways that He can do it.
If He promises it.... We can stand on it.

It is what I am kneeling on today..... and what I am praying for with all of my heart.
So that I'm not what I was yesterday... the day before that... or even five minutes ago.
But allowing Him to change me... moment by moment.
Transforming my heart.
And making me more into the image of the One that I can only hope to emulate.

...until another tomorrow.

~m.

^"4Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins,
         They will raise up the former devastations;
         And they will repair the ruined cities,
         The desolations of many generations." Isaiah 61:4 NAS Bible

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6

Our Behalf...

2011-02-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

"Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:4-6

This morning I woke up with the same prayer that I fell asleep whispering.

As I prepared to get my kids off to school, I tried not to think too much.

But as I puffed through the frigid air on my way back to my car after taking my son to his class, a thought struck me.

It wasn't unusual... but it made me blink.

Did Jesus have to experience cold mornings like this one?

Did He ever wake up to uneasiness or heaviness?

Without a heavy cover... a pillow... or a real place to rest Himself....

Did He shiver?

Did He ache?

Did He long for warmth or comfort.....?

As I got back in my car, cranking up the heater, I began to let the thoughts take root.

"Lord... are you there?"

"Can you see us? Do you understand what I'm feeling at this moment? Do you know how my heart is heavy and weighted down with the hurts that I am feeling right now... for me... for those that I would do anything for?"

I wanted to come back to bed.

I wanted to crawl back into its cozy warmth, with my down comforter and soft flannel sheets.

I wanted to crawl back to oblivion, where I can rest my thoughts and not think about what I can't change.... or can't fix.

Unaware, not having to face if I am supposed to be doing anything at all.

I am choosing to feel instead.

To let my fingers stay cold.

To allow my heart to thaw from the place that I have kept it frozen for the last few days.

I want to understand... I want to know so much.

I want to know for sure what it is He is wanting me to do in circumstances that are eluding me and trying my patience.... and my will.

Do I fight for more? Or do I concede?

Do I hold on tighter? Or do I let go?

When it is just for me... it is an easier decision to make.

But it isn't just about me... it goes far deeper and far more reaching to touch those that I love.

I can usually fix things pretty good.

I am a great defender.

But today... it would appear that He is taking that out of my hands.

Left to wonder if what I should do... or what I should not do is what He is asking.

As my tears began to pool on that drive home... and my questions kept mounting... I could feel Him near.

His whisper softer than my heart at this moment....

"Come find Me."

"But I don't know what to do God. I don't know what You want me to do..."

"Come find Me."

Isaiah flitted through my thoughts.

Someone that I go back to time and time again....

For reassurance, and a knowing that I need to grasp onto and fully acquaint myself with.

As I sat down here, body poised, I wondered...

"How do I do this Lord? How do you want me to come?"

And as I tuned in my worship, and began to let it flow over me... I began to feel the emotion that I have been holding up like a dam ready to burst... begin to crack.

As I began to read Isaiah 53 I was struck down with verse four.....

"Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted."

The thought that had struck me earlier this morning came back in full force.

He did know pain.

He did know what it feels like to be cold... hungry... hurting... burdened... and cut down.

He knows the feeling of gut wrenching heart ache... and pain so deep that the words can not describe it.

There was a time when I doubted that.

When I doubted Him.

I am so overwhelmed that I don't anymore.

And as I sit here and allow the knowledge of the truth of this word to sink in... I am overwhelmed once again.

He chose this... the pain that He knew this world would inflict... for me. For us. For those that I love and am hurting so deeply for right now.

He knew hurtful situations and circumstances.

He is acquainted with the struggles that we are faced with and that we wrestle against.

It is so hard to understand that.

And yet... it is.

It was.

It was pain in the knowing that those around Him would not understand Him.

It was hurt over being rejected by those that He loved and came to touch... came to save from the very brinks of death.

It was so heavy that He cried out to God to take it from Him if He was willing. (Matthew 26:39)

He knows my pain.

My confusion at wondering where to go next, but unwilling to go against what my Heavenly Father wants for me more. What He wants for my family to know... to learn.

And willing to let the hurt stay for just a little while longer while I cling to the One who knows my deepest places... my deepest hurt... because He is well acquainted with His own.

On my behalf He chose to carry sorrow that would hurt more than pain I myself have felt.

On my behalf He was willing to be stricken....smitten... and afflicted.

Do you understand that?

He was sick like we are.

He was cold like we get.

He felt alone and unloved.

He saw those closest to Him, those who knew Him, reject Him... forsake Him...

He wondered....

He felt it all....

He knew it before we could even try to grasp to understand....

He knows it now.

As I sit here wondering over the things that are far out of my control.

As I sit here trying to make sense of things that don't make sense at all....

And as my tears finally begin to drop onto my fingers.... and pour down my face....

I know that He is catching them all.

He is concerned with what is hurdling around in my mind.

He has taken notice of the decisions that I am holding my breath to know.... and He is well aware of their outcome.

Even if I am not aware of them myself.

And He is working on my behalf.

He is not wondering as I am anymore.

He knows.

I know that He has been patiently waiting for me to get that He can do all things.

That He can work anything out that I can't seem to fix.

And as I sit here... feeling helpless and wanting to do more than I am doing at this moment...

I get the sense that He is riding in on my behalf.

To right what is wrong.

To fix what is broken.

And all that He is asking me to do is trust Him.

To let Him show up.....

I am not strong enough for this...

I know this so well.

He knows it too.

Because He went before me....

Is still going before me...

He goes before my defeat, to change the odds.

He goes before my heart, to mend what is broken.

As I sit here releasing all that I have been holding in so tight...

I am still crying out for what to do next.....

But I am comforted with this....

Because He knows me... knows us.... I can hope. I can trust Him.

Because He feels my children's pain as keenly as I do... I can let Him go before them too.

I can trust Him to calm their confusion.

Go before them, and walk them through the tough decisions that I myself can't make.

I can trust Him to heal their hurts.... their sickness... and their pain.

Because of all of it... I am choosing to surrender it all to Him.

To let Him have it.

Because He knows....

He knows.

And because of what He did, was willing to go through on our behalf, what He came to do so many eons ago....

He is able to understand now.

His power hasn't diminished because of what He was willing to suffer for us...

It is only more profound.

I am praying that we are able to let it be profound in our own lives as we are living them now.

Because of Who He is... and what He was willing to go through.... to understand... to know...

On our behalf.

We are not alone.... and the unthinkable miracle... is thinkable.... hopeful... and attainable.

... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Looking Out...

2011-02-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

It feels as though I have been in this hole... in this place of coming in and out... poking my head out just to see if it is safe enough yet.
I guess that is when I come here. To release a little... to say what I feel needs to be said.
And then I retreat back into my hole. Where I feel safe.
But it's really not.
Because even there I have felt the intensity of the battle.
The heat of the scourge.
During a particularly rough week, where it would seem that nothing is going right.... I thought about here... My seemingly safe place to be who I am... to be me.
Where if your going to judge me... you probably won't tell me.
Where if you hate me.... you'll just log out.
Where if you see things differently than I do... you may just shake your head slowly.

Sometimes.... sometimes... I just wish "in real life" could work that way.
I might hurt less... and move more.
I might not go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and wish that everything would just go away... for just a little while at least....
I am struggling with the reality of how life works sometimes, and how I wish it would go.

Where truth reigns... and opinions don't really matter.
Where love overrides everything... and judgements hold less weight than the air were breathing.
Where forgivness is just... and our justice doesn't complicate everything.
Where loving God and pleasing Him holds more importance than getting even... and getting our own way.
I just wish....

And ofcourse, in the midst of my "wishing".... I know. I know more than ever.
He is changing me.
He is changing us.
Not wanting us to stay where we are... and not leaving us the way that we have always been.
Understanding that He loves us that way.... but is unwilling to allow us to stay the way that we have felt most comfortable with.
Because chances are... like me... it isn't who we are meant to be. Not yet.
And as we resist... tug and pull... the strain becomes heavier... and the feeling of weighted heaviness increases.
I have had to shake off my emotions a lot this week.
I've had to beg Him to take what I am trying so hard to surrender.

We can't change poeple... Oh how I wish we could sometimes...
We can't even really change ourselves.
But He can.
I just wish His time table was the same as mine.
I realize that if it was... my time would have run out by now.

Today...
Today I am thankful for the little things.
Sometimes they are all that we have to hold onto.
I am not despondant... but I am still desperate.
I am not hopeless... but I am still holding out.
I am not wanting... but I am still left wanting more.

Today I am thankful that He is still on the throne.
I am thankful that He is more than able to handle the things that have been thrown right in front of me.
Even the things I don't want to pick up... but are mine.

If you are in as much need of His grace today as I am..... hold on. Your not alone.
He is ever present in the midst of our every moment.
"Real Life" happens.
And I am so thankful that my Real God is able to handle all of it.

So even as I poke my head out for just a moment... to peek out on what I am being faced with every single day these days...
I am not missing the cool breeze that refreshes me... the blue sky... and the puffy white clouds that He has graced my day with today.
Knowing that tomorrow when I face the storms that are raging over me... that He IS the God of the blue sky's... of the cool breezes... the deep breaths... with the mercy to carry me through one more day.

I am holding tighter to Him than I have ever held on before.... tighter than I thought possible.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken." Psalm 34:18-20 NIV (Although I love the message version of this as well)

The song that I am feeling in the depths of my heart right now.....

Never Changes

2011-01-21T11:51:00.000-08:00

Everything changes.
Times change.
People change.
Children change.

Love changes.

Ideas change.

Definitions change.

Seasons change.
Churches change.
Countries change.
Governments change.
Life circumstances change.

But God's Truth doesn't change.
His love never changes.
He has been and is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8)
God's love never fails.
When life fails.... He doesn't.
When what you were banking on fails... He doesn't.
When what you thought "should be", isn't... He IS, He is and always will be.
He can be counted on.
Trusted with.
Banked on with certainty.

NOTHING is as certain as He is.
Everything around us will one day fall away.
It will pass in a cloud of dust.... and the One thing that will be standing in the end... is HIM.
ALL OF CREATION STANDS ON THIS TRUTH.

Nations have risen... and then fallen.
Armies have conquered... and then failed.
People with good intention have promised... and not delivered.
We can try... but we will always be limited by who we are... and what we can really accomplish on our own... and we will only get so far.

But WITH Him.... we can do so much more.
When we face the things that shift more often than our minds can keep up with.
We can stand, and know, that we serve a God who is able to do abundantly more than we can know or think. (Ephesians 3:20)
Because He was, and is, and always will be.
He is solid.
He is firm.
His foundation is one that has been set since the beginning of time.
And He is never shaken.
He is never cowed over by disappointment, or discouraged because things aren't looking so good.
His perspective is eternal.
It is perfect. He is perfect.
And it is in this that we can put our trust. (Psalm 59:9)

When our storms rage.
When our disappointments hit us with the impact of a punch well delivered.
When our tears won't seem to stop.
And when we feel like there is no hope left to fall on.....

He is there.
He is here.
And He is waiting for us to jump up, arms stretched wide, proclaiming that we believe that He is who He has always been.
Mighty to save!
So get up!
Don't sit there in what you think is a hopeless situation.
Praise the God who holds everything.... even what you deem unacceptable, unattainable and unworthy... maybe even impossible...
And shout out with everything in you.....

"He makes ALL things work together for my good! He is more than able!"(Romans 8:28)

He is worthy of our praise.
Whether we choose to believe or not.
And if we don't proclaim it like we should, even the rocks will cry out with the truth of it. (Luke 19:40)

OUR GOD IS MIGHTY!
OUR GOD IS WORTHY!

And if we don't speak it.... we will fall to the very things that we are holding onto.
We won't see change, but a crumbling that will only bring those things down with us.
But if we HOPE in HIM.... we hold something that can not be taken away.
A hope that He is there... that He cares what happens to each and every single one of us.
And His plans are for good and not for evil to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11) (Romans 8:28)

I don't know what you are facing today....
But you better believe that your enemy waits... and we have to be ready to face him, knowing that we fight not against flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6:12)
We have to proclaim God's truth and promises over every situation until we believe it for ourselves.
Speaking it even when we don't feel it. (Philippians 4:13)
Not us... but Him going before us to do what only He can do.
To face the impossible... and do what we thought wasn't possible.
To go and step out in the face of mounting fear... knowing that with Him nothing is impossible.
Standing with your face turned up, sun shining on you, on the peak of His majestic mighty mountain....

^33" It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure. ³⁴ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights. ³⁵ He trains my hands for battle;
   my arms can bend a bow of bronze." 2 Samuel 22:33-35 (New International Version)

To love that person that is making it impossible for you to love.
To forgive the one who doesn't think they've done anything wrong.
To depend on the grace of God, instead of your own reasoning's.
He is good.
And He is faithful to meet us when we surrender and do according to His will... and not our own.
And know that when you shout and praise and proclaim who your God is over every situation.....
You WILL see change.
And you will obtain what you never will just sitting and wondering, what next?

For whatever it's worth....
I'm standing in my family room.... proclaiming it too!
Arms stretched wide!
And this is what I'm singing.....

I hope that by the end of today, you will be singing it too.
Knowing for certain, because His Word says it....
HE NEVER CHANGES.
His promises haven't changed.
He is the God of kings, and the God over all men.
Which makes Him everything we will and can ever need.
No matter what we face.
He can be counted on.
We may not see it with our eyes.... but He is there. He is here.
He is immovable.
He is indestructible.
And He hasn't gone anywhere... nor will He.

He is more than worthy of it.
Read it for yourself.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 (New American Standard Bible)

He is worthy.
HE IS WORTHY.
He loves you. So much. And that makes everything you face and struggle against important to Him.
Proclaim it over everything you face today.... tomorrow... and over every single breath that you breathe.

...until another tomorrow.

~m.

Psalm 37

Security of Those Who Trust in the LORD, and Insecurity of the Wicked.

A Psalm of David.

    ^1"Do not fret because of evildoers,
         Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
    ²For they will wither quickly like the grass
         And fade like the green herb.
    ³Trust in the LORD and do good;
         Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
    ⁴Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart.
    ⁵Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
    ⁶He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
         And your judgment as the noonday.
    ⁷Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
         Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
    ⁸Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
         Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
    ⁹For evildoers will be cut off,
         But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.
    ¹⁰Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
         And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
    ¹¹But the humble will inherit the land
         And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
    ¹²The wicked plots against the righteous
         And gnashes at him with his teeth.
    ¹³The Lord laughs at him,
         For He sees his day is coming.
    ¹⁴The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow
         To cast down the afflicted and the needy,
         To slay those who are upright in conduct.
    ¹⁵Their sword will enter their own heart,
         And their bows will be broken.
    ¹⁶Better is the little of the righteous
         Than the abundance of many wicked.
    ¹⁷For the arms of the wicked will be broken,
         But the LORD sustains the righteous.
    ¹⁸The LORD knows the days of the blameless,
         And their inheritance will be forever.
    ¹⁹They will not be ashamed in the time of evil,
         And in the days of famine they will have abundance.
    ²⁰But the wicked will perish;
         And the enemies of the LORD will be like the glory of the pastures,
         They vanish--like smoke they vanish away.
    ²¹The wicked borrows and does not pay back,
         But the righteous is gracious and gives.
    ²²For those blessed by Him will inherit the land,
         But those cursed by Him will be cut off.
    ²³The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
         And He delights in his way.
    ²⁴When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
         Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.
    ²⁵I have been young and now I am old,
         Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
         Or his descendants begging bread.
    ²⁶All day long he is gracious and lends,
         And his descendants are a blessing.
    ²⁷Depart from evil and do good,
         So you will abide forever.
    ²⁸For the LORD loves justice
         And does not forsake His godly ones;
         They are preserved forever,
         But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.
    ²⁹The righteous will inherit the land
         And dwell in it forever.
    ³⁰The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
         And his tongue speaks justice.
    ³¹The law of his God is in his heart;
         His steps do not slip.
    ³²The wicked spies upon the righteous
         And seeks to kill him.
    ³³The LORD will not leave him in his hand
         Or let him be condemned when he is judged.
    ³⁴Wait for the LORD and keep His way,
         And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
         When the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
    ³⁵I have seen a wicked, violent man
         Spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.
    ³⁶Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
         I sought for him, but he could not be found.
    ³⁷Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;
         For the man of peace will have a posterity.
    ³⁸But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;
         The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.
    ³⁹But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
         He is their strength in time of trouble.
    ⁴⁰The LORD helps them and delivers them;
         He delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
         Because they take refuge in Him."