Raw... Authentic Worship.

There are moments in your life... Life breaking moments. When you just... Break. When you fall head long sliding head first into the dirt, arms spread out before you as you try to futily stop your momentum... Somehow change the course that you have found yourself heading toward. A course you didn't get to choose. One you would trade any painful moment in your past for. Everything you thought that was... Not. Changed. It's one of the worst and most heart rending moments in your life. A game changer. A defining moment and opportunity to let go. Surrender. Completely. The truth of never being in control in the first place sinking in and sinking deep. The painful truths leaking and then pouring out so fast you can't stop them from running through your fingers and rushing ahead of you. Your mind spinning and your heart beat racing... And you want so badly to grip

tight to something... to anything... Just to stop falling forward fast. And when you finally do... with your face planted in the dirt... Your knees skinned straight through the cloth protecting them... your  hands bloody from the attempt to stop the fall.... the tears making tracks through the dirt on your face... the wracking of your body and the overwhelming emotion can not be contained... And it's not. It's laid bare for all to see... The raw and the ugly... the painful and the beautiful all mingling together as one. My words and whispered prayers filtering back in slow motion and powerful punch... "Let our lives be a living testimony... Let us be a reflection of Your Glory and Power in us... Through us..." I said that... I felt the strength of it shoot straight through my heart and out my lips like a prophetic sting. As I lift my head with palms turned up... I worship. I WORSHIP. And I choose to TRUST. I grip tight to the One who is kneeling right in front me. His knees dirty with mine. His tears my own. 

In the face of my enemy I stare hard and deep... I. Will. Worship.

I. Will. Not. Stop. 

Harder. 

More passionate.

More determined.  

I won't let go... I won't ever stop...

Even face down in the dirt. 

I. Will. Worship. 

“Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. Lord, what are human beings that you care for them, mere mortals that you think of them? They are like a breath; their days are like a fleeting shadow. Part your heavens, Lord, and come down; touch the mountains, so that they smoke. Send forth lightning and scatter the enemy; shoot your arrows and rout them. Reach down your hand from on high; deliver me and rescue me from the mighty waters, from the hands of foreigners whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful. I will sing a new song to you, my God; on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to you, to the One who gives victory to kings, who delivers his servant David. From the deadly sword deliver me; rescue me from the hands of foreigners whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful. Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants, and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace. Our barns will be filled with every kind of provision. Our sheep will increase by thousands, by tens of thousands in our fields; our oxen will draw heavy loads. There will be no breaching of walls, no going into captivity, no cry of distress in our streets. Blessed is the people of whom this is true; blessed is the people whose God is the Lord.”

Psalm 144:1-15 NIV

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n5KNck6k5OY

Reflecting

Today has dawned with so much reflection for me..... 

Where has this last school year gone?
This year has whizzed by and although I feel like we always say that, it feels more my reality than ever today. As I made my son's breakfast for his last day of his freshman year I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic. And not just because he's going to officially be a sophomore after the end of today, although that alone can start the water works, but because of all of the change this past year has brought to our small family.

We started off so fast after moving here across two state lines.  Attempting  to figure out what and where home is. We walked into it with high hopes, anticipation, and with a little anxiety sprinkled with fear. We have started connecting to our new environments and surroundings, but in so many ways we still stand on the fringe still very much feeling like outsiders.

We have begun to see a little bit of our purpose here, but we are still looking around with question marks and wondering. 

New house, new jobs, new schools, new church, new relationships, new accomplishments, new challenges, and new victories. 

It's felt like a really long hike and I don't feel like I can slip off my backpack quite yet. I'm not sure if I ever will. I love where we are and what and who we are surrounded by but  I still have this deep desire to explore more and adventure into areas yet unknown for us. Other places and new lands. Whether God keeps us here for an extended amount of time, or for a few short years, only time will tell. I feel as though we took a huge leap of faith off an enormous cliff and have landed temporarily in this beautiful land with beautiful people who've welcomed us. I wonder at times why I still very much feel like a nomad. Like one just passing through on a greater journey. Is it just the human condition or is it very much my families calling and destiny? I am learning to step in and stand a little more into the circles surrounding me here but still often times feel awkward and uncomfortable if I stay in them too long. It's this balancing act I haven't quite perfected yet. As I encourage my children to engage I have to remind myself to do the same. On the surface it appears that we are... But in so many ways at heart level we are still pushing ourselves to be brave and to not hold back even if we are unsure. That feeling of newness hasn't worn off yet and the emotions of acclimating haven't quite settled. We are growing and changing and in so many ways are continuing to be stretched beyond our comfort zones.

As I drove my son to school today I felt tears begin to well up inside me. It has been an interesting, joyful, tough, hopeful, and growing year for all of us. Amidst all of the emotions roiling and building this morning I felt this pressure to release some of it. Like water bubbling up that can't be contained. 

At the forefront of it all.... I am so thankful. 

For so many things. 

For those that have and continue to pray for our family amidst the huge change in our lives. For those that have welcomed us graciously and invited us freely into their circles and lives here. For our home that has become our safe harbor and  feels more us than anything has in a while. For our family here who we get to build deeper relationships with.  For our new church that continues to bless, grow, and challenge us. For friends and family far away who miss us enough to keep reaching out and loving us from afar. For new opportunities, new challenges, and new ways of looking and thinking about things. 

All of this last school year has brought so much.... and as I reflect today I am left with many many emotions... the greatest one I have and can't contain...

I am thankful. 

So very very thankful. 

Until another tomorrow, 

~Melissa

"We give thanks to You, O God,we give thanks, For Your name is near; Men declare Your wondrous works." Psalm 75:1 NASB

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His lovingkindness is everlasting. Let the redeemed say so," Psalm 107:1,2

Learning To Love Me

About that title... let me explain...

I hated my feet growing up.
When I say hate, which is a strong word, I mean hate.
I was even ridiculed by an extended family member about them.
I knew they were "different" than all of my friends feet.
I used to pray that God would change them. Grow them so that they would look "normal" like everyone else's.
I used to hide my toes and not wear shoes that showed them. I envied all the girls that wore the cute sandals that showcased them and used to dream about someday being able to wear shoes like that. In Heaven. When they would finally be perfect.

Ugh.... Seems silly doesn't it?
Or maybe not so silly to those who can identify with a less than perfect "something" in their lives that you may have given up hope of ever changing.

My feet aren't terrible.
I look at them now and I wonder why I struggled so hard to accept them growing up.
They don't look like everyone else's, true, but when I look at them now I see something very different.
Do I LOVE them.... umm... if I'm being truly honest, no, but I actually think their kinda cute now. :)
Have I accepted a part of me that I always hated and wanted to change... yes.
Have I learned to appreciate them in a way that I never thought possible... yes and amen.

Let me tell you why....

I have come to realize that what I early on came to believe was beautiful about other people did not hold true for me.
What started at my feet quickly progressed up until it settled and nestled its way into the deep recesses of my thought processes.
The lies that I bought and believed soon became what I measured all of me by.

I am not the same.

I am not special in the way one wants to be special.

I am weird.

I am odd.

I am different.

I was made wrong.

Pretty soon everything I ever thought about myself and how I made decisions and played life out were based on those things and those thoughts.
Wow... if I could only go back and tell the me then what I know now.

It has taken a LONG time for me to get here.
The "here" where I am growing and learning in new ways and for the first time in my life actually liking the things I am discovering about myself.

I AM unique.

I AM special.

I AM a little weird and odd in ways that I actually like.

I AM not like everyone else. This is a good thing. ;)

I AM different and for the first time in my life I am starting to accept that and love that about myself.

I AM made right. Just the way my God intended for me to be. Imperfections and all. Right down to my toes. :)

Do I still struggle at times with who I am and who I am meant to be?
Yup.
Do I still wonder what I am called to do and how I'm supposed to walk that out?
Absolutely.
Do I ever look in the mirror and think, "Man, today is just not a good day. I wish...."
I do.
Like I have said MANY times before... I am human. I am going to struggle and wonder and have bad days, but seriously, at the core of who I am and who I am learning who my God is in me is extraordinary and life changing.

Life changing...

When we begin to gain more God perspective and less me perspective...
When we stop listening to the naysayers and the liars  in our lives...
When we choose to believe that what God says about us is true...
When we take steps to walk in the manner to which we are called and redeemed to...
Then...

We are no longer standing out because we are shrinking...

We are standing out because we are confident in the Creator Who formed us and made us to be mighty daughters and sons of God.

We are no longer doubters of our ability and strengths...

We are believers of the Truth that says that we are created for a purpose and in every single one of our weaknesses and imperfections He can be made STRONG. And because He is stronger... and He lives in us... WE. ARE. STRONG.

He makes the impossible possible.

He makes the deformed and rejected, beautiful and accepted.

When I think about how such a small thing like the way my toes looked to me was so important and how it dominated so much of my self esteem it makes me sad.
I missed out on so much, like really cute shoes for one, but more importantly I missed out on all the times that I could have just been comfortable being me, the Melissa that God created me to be.
How do you get there you may ask?
Well.... you start like this;
You surrender the things that you struggle with the most about yourself.
The lies and half truths.
You admit that you actually struggle and not lie to yourself that you don't.
You begin to allow God access to speak truth over the lies that you have allowed to permeate and smog up your perspective.
You believe Him when He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You choose to believe Him.

You write His words about who you are, taken from His book, and you plaster them on every nook and cranny of every place your eyes might possibly land.
Don't think the enemy won't try and dislodge everything you are trying to change.
He loves when we allow the weeds of wrong thinking to take root and reside in the deepest parts of us.
Pulling those weeds isn't always easy. It takes time, effort, and often lots of sweat and
hard work on our part.
But don't give up! Please. Don't. Give. Up.
Because you are more than worth any amount of effort that it will take to transform and change what used to be to what should be.

We have been created for a purpose. A life well lived. A life worth living.
Lives that are meant to shake up the systems and change our world.
Lives that are meant to be radical and amazing.
Lives that are meant to show that God is not merely a nice idea or a fantastical story.
Lives that shine and glisten with the beauty of God's love and forgiveness.
Lives that touch and heal and mend.
Lives that love deep and are faithful.
And if we are caught up in our insecurities, what "ifs" and wishes for wanting to change who we think we are or who we've been misled and told we are to be.... we will miss it.
The real us.
The bold us.
The authentic and beautiful us.
The courageous us.

You have more to give... more to do... and a world that needs the change that only you can bring.

The world doesn't need more narcism. Hopefully you don't get that from this.
It needs men and women of God who are willing to accept that they aren't perfect but they are perfectly made in Him. That we in our own abilities can not do life without our Savior. That with Him we are stronger and better people. A people that accept that they are made in the image of Christ and because of that truth they are beautiful and accepted.
Truth believers and truth givers.
That is what I am saying...
I have begun to say it often to anyone who will listen.
I hope you are hearing it too.
Because for me... today... I am no longer choosing to believe and walk in shoes that cover up my feet and try and hide who God has created me to be.
No longer.

I am different.

I am loved.

I am His.

And so are you....

Until another tomorrow....

~Melissa

“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.” Psalm 139:14

Brave...

I feel like I need to re~introduce myself.
I feel like over the past months of silence that I have been re~invented... and re~born.
Where do I begin.....

You know... so often and so many times I wish I could set you up before you sit down to read what I've written. To tell you to go grab a cup of coffee or tea (which I prefer) and pull up your most comfy chair. As if you were sitting across from me on my couch. Like old friends. And so many of you are.  Because for me this is me sharing my heart. I don't want this to be just some "blog" that you are reading. Some narcisitic outlet for me to do what I love most.  I hope that in these moments that you choose to spend in my little corner of the world  that my story will help encourage you, strengthen you, challenge you, resound with you, and build you up in your faith. I hope that as I pour out my heart about life... real life... raw life... that you will feel and see that you are not alone. That you can make it through every trial and season. That God is for you and not against you.

He is for you.

I often wish that I could hear what you are thinking while you read. I think that's why we do this, writers like me, with our hearts laid out. We love to hear feedback. It's like that back and forth conversation between friends.

I don't often get that glimpse... but I love it when I do. You sharing back is precious to me. It helps me to know that what I share might be making a difference.

I'm not anyone special.
But I'm crazy enough to think that my life is. That it matters. Just like I believe that yours does.

I have so soooo many things I want to share with you. I hope you can bear with me.
So much of life has been lived in the past year that it's crazy!
My Gram's passing was a game changer for me. It was permission that I needed to finally let go.
It was not only a defining moment and season... it was a re~defining of me.
I feel like I gained clarity and refining that I had been needing for a very long time.
A v e r y l o n g t i m e.
And here I am... sitting in an unfamiliar house in an unfamiliar place. A whole two states away from where I last wrote and shared my heart with you.
So much change.
I thought so many times over the past season and year of my life that I was going to stay always broken.
In so many ways... I was right.

I was right that I am broken.

So very bent and bruised.
When life sucker punches you you don't walk away unaffected, unhurt, or with feelings of being irreparable.
People can't always be trusted with your heart.
When you open yourself up you open yourself up for more pain than you ever thought possible.
When you feel betrayed it's like someone is ripping your guts out.

I kind of hate that I was right in what I thought originally about all of those things. 

I would rather have been wrong. 

But...

Because of that pain it led me to more. When I finally realized how broken my life was, and the comfortable place I had convinced myself was okay to stay in, was not where I was supposed to be...

I finally found the courage to walk away from the very situation that was a  catalyst for so much hurt in my life. It was the very best thing I could have ever done.

Ever.

Sometimes the hardest things are the best things.

Sometimes when you are crying gut wrenching tears of hurt they are actually tears of healing and restoration.
Sometimes... and I say this from a very raw and humble place in my life... sometimes when you choose to take those brave steps that create boundaries you can begin to allow God to define who you really are... you become better. I am going to say with as much confidence that I possess at the moment...
You will be better.
I am better.
And I truly believe that there is bravery in saying, "No more."
No more to people and things that try to straight jacket you into being someone that you're not.
No more to the lies that your not good enough.
No more to the belief system that settling is ever okay.
No more to standing in a place that tells you that you need to change but doesn't allow room for it.
No more carrying what you were never meant to hold.
No more believing that anyone else's opinions of you other than God's is more important.
No more thinking that an education is the only qualification for being useful.
No more assuming that there isn't anything, anyplace, or anyone better out there than where you find yourself now.
No more.....

You are a child of God. 

You matter. 

Y O U M A T T E R!

You are precious and delighted in by your Heavenly Papa. He loves you more than you know. Your value and self worth is and should be found ONLY in Him. 

ONLY IN HIM. 

I want to shout all of that out. Because I feel like so many of us need to hear it or be reminded of it.
I feel like so many of us have been wounded by unintentional, well meaning, good people that we feel the need to stay in the very place that is killing everything that we have been created to do for our Savior.
That may seem harsh...  but I've learned over the past year that life is harsh.
Sometimes it is hard, and broken, and bitter tasting, and sometimes it just plain sucks.
I finally found myself brought to my knees, like a kid in a game of mercy with my hand pulled behind my back in pain, with tears rolling down my face in anger and confusion...

"God.... where are you?!  Do You see us? Do You see how our hearts have been fractured and wounded and are broken? Do You know.... Do You know what we are supposed to do with all of this life "junk" that we are wading through?.... What do we do now God?... What are we supposed to do...?"

There was a time I would have hesitated big time before I prayed that.
It wasn't until I was sitting in my councelors office angry, hurt, and confused that he gave me permission to be honest with God.
His honest question to me stung...

"What are you afraid of? Do you think God can't handle your honesty? Do you not think He doesn't already know your heart? What are you really afraid of?"
I just sat there. Thinking.

What was I afraid of?

I was afraid that God was like all the fractured people in my life that had and were letting me down.
I was afraid that if I was really real with God that He would stop loving me. That His grace for me and my life was like so many I was surrounded by. That He was keeping track of all my failures and mistakes even though I was constantly apologizing for them... trying to be better.
That His grace was limited.
I was afraid that my honesty with Him on how I really felt would render me useless, worthless, unwanted, and a failure.
What I was really afraid of was that He would come back and tell me that it was all true.
What I wasn't being honest about was this... I already felt that way about myself.

It wasn't Him it was me. 

I had already for so long believed the lies that had been spoon fed to me that I had to be perfect or maintain an outward appearance of perfection to be worth anything at all.
Broken or real was not an option.
For me that was a real issue.
I didn't know how not to be real, honest, or true.
I think thats why I loved coming here. To this place. To be the real me. To feel. To have a voice.
I was even criticized for this. In a backhanded public sort of way.
I was humiliated into being cautious and careful.
Its one of the reasons I stopped writing as frequently.
Not that being aware and responsible is wrong... it's not. But when set by a standard that man sets up dictated by feelings and not the truths of God seeped in it... it's wrong.

It's wrong to believe that you have to perform perfectly to be accepted.
It's wrong to not have room to make mistakes, knowing that you will still be loved through those mistakes, so that you can grow and be the person you are meant to be.
God never said that we can't mess up.
In fact He has made room for it.
Lots and lots of room.
Look at all of His favorite people in the Bible.
Oh boy... did they ever mess up. Repeatedly.
He knows our frame.
He sees all of us.
He knows when we are truly sorry and when we are not.
He knows us better than we know ourselves. And He loves us anyway.
All of us.
The ugly parts. The broken parts. The needing to be fixed parts.
He loves us more than we can imagine....
And it wasn't until my husband and I finally came to our final game of mercy that we realized that it was never God holding our arms back.
We had allowed others to do that.
We had even given permission for it.
We were sent and had recieved the message that others deserved grace but I didn't.
It was in that moment of freedom.... of finally seeing the truth that we began to stand back up,  taking a position with our heads raised and our eyes re~focusing. It was then that we finally heard it....the answer to my heart rending prayer...

"I am here. I see you. Do you finally see Me? I see your hearts. I want to fix them. I know... I know it all. As for what you are supposed to do... Trust Me. It won't be easy. It will be hard. But I need you to T R U S T M E. I see far more than you do. I know far more than you know. Are you ready? Are you really ready to follow Me? Wherever I send you...
Wherever I tell you to go?"

I heard it clear. I heard it so soft but so loud that it filled every part of me.
I began to feel the scales come off my eyes.
I felt the straight jacket begin to unbuckle and fall to the ground at our feet.
I began to stretch my arms out like I hadn't in ages.
I began to feel my heart begin to beat in a way that I hadn't in a really long time.
It wasn't just one thing or one person that caused us to get to this place.
It was so many things... so many people that were tools that we allowed to push us into a corner and finally make us fight and get back up.
It sounds weird to say this... but I am grateful.

I am honestly and truly grateful.

Had we not experienced what we did in the last year we would never have found our way to a place that provided the very healing and restoration that we we're so desperate for.
It wouldn't have allowed us to meet people that gave me hope in humanity again.
If we had stayed in our broken places and not left we would still be stuck.
I had been praying for a long long long time that God would un~stick us.
The way He did it... not sure I would have done it that way. ;)
But He knows better.
He does.
And I can truly truly say that we are better people because He allowed the things that we needed to happen to get us to the place that we are now.
I never thought that just a few months could bond my heart the way God did with the people and place that He put us in. Our launching pad of healing. Our place that became a refuge for our hearts.
We weren't all right... and we weren't all wrong.
But we were in need of change. Of fixing. Of tearing down and restoring.

I am better now. We are better now.
It's funny but we aren't even all stable yet.
As I sit literally in a mess of packing boxes, what feels like a whole world away from our home, my stuff strewn here and there with feelings of uncertainty amid un~assurance...
I believe.
I believe that God took us from a place of what we saw as comfortable, a place of complete complacency and threw us into a place of discomfort and uncertainty.
I believe that if He hadn't that we would have begun to fall apart in a way that would have taken longer to repair.
I believe that in the midst of our tears, anger, dissalutionment and fear that He was walking beside and holding us every step of the way.
He still is.
I believe like never before that He gives us permission to be us. To fail. To make mistakes. To ride things out and try again until those things in us that needed to change are changed. Not by man but by Him. His grace. His love. Often He allows the hurt to help us to see and meet those that have the same purposes that He does. Others that have been where we are. Those that He uses to help in the process that we all need to go through to get where we need to be in Him.
I believe He doesn't expect us to be perfect.
Man wants perfection out of a life that is completely and beautifully imperfect.
Life is messy.
It can be good messy or ugly messy.
I believe how much we allow God access into it is what will determine that.
But it will never mean that we will be perfect. Not here.
What it can mean though is a Boundless.... Hopeful... and Exciting life.
We were meant and created to live for Him. To bring glory to God in all that we do.
We are going to fail at times. He knows that.
But just like when my kids mess up and do things that I don't like or approve of... I never stop loving them. I never stop hoping that they will wake up and see the mistakes and rectify them.
I am always willing to extend grace with a child who comes humbly to me and asks for forgiveness and who honestly wants and tries to do better. I am always hopeful that some day they will get it. That they will understand how much they are loved and valued. My prayer is always that they will see their purpose and strike out and live it.
God feels no less for us.
It's all over His Word.

His hope for us.

His plans for us.

His purpose for us.

His love for us.

And so with that... and oh with so much more to tell... I will close with this,

You are never too far that He can't reach you.
You are never too messed up that He can't fix you.
You are worth more and are valued more than you will ever ever know.
You have a purpose.
You will never be perfect but you can be whole in Him.
You're mistakes do not define you unless you let them.
Every wrong situation we allow can be rectified and turned around.
We have a God of restoration and reconciliation.

You Are Loved.

I can never say that enough.
I hope that like me that you will grab onto that and truly believe it.
Because it wasn't until I did that things began to change. On the inside as well as the out.

Blessing sweet friend wherever you are.
I am praying that wherever this finds you that you will find and see Him.
I am praying that you will honestly seek Him and begin to allow Him to do what He is longing to do in each and every one of us. From the inside out. Even if it hurts. Honest, true, gracious, and loving refining.
The only kind of refining that will set us onto the path of true living.
Where we can find the courage to get back up... So we can be free...

Be brave. 

For whatever He is calling us to. 

Even if it's a state... or world away. :)

Until another tomorrow....

~Melissa

 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 NIV

“The Lord your God is with you,
 the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you;
 in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17