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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Back Around...

It feels like forever. 
Like ages.

In my silence here, I have been living and seeking out there.
Searching and finding.
I have been around and around.
Up and down.

I am here.

I haven't gone anywhere... but have been to so many places.

I have found joy and gain in new perspectives.
I have been feeling and walking. Experiencing highs and lows. I have been watchful and observant. I have held on and let go. I have been fighting the battles that have been needing to be fought. 
I am very much fighting them still.
The battles that are mine, but not mine alone.
I have been on my knees and I have stood with my arms held wide. 
I have cried many tears and laughed until my sides have ached.
I have felt the deep emotions that can only come from loving big.
I have captured moments of profound revelation that I am loved.
That I am needed.
That I am living right where I need to be at this present moment.
And I have witnessed with my own eyes the faithfulness of God in the midst of impossible circumstances.

I have been living.

The words haven't stopped flowing.
They have been coming in waves. Weaving themselves in and out of every moment.
I have a little notebook that I carry around in my purse. Every where I go, it goes with me.
And in it are words... phrases... thoughts... and deep things that I have reached and grabbed it out to quickly get down before I lose them. Before they go to the place that all thoughts and deep emotions go to when you let them go. To be forgotten and lost among all the rubble of my busy and crazy life.
I have tried my best to catch them.
String them up so that I can re-visit them and expound on them when the moment is right.
I have once again felt that stirring. To come. To sit. The one thing that can so easily get lost in the midst of "living" my every day.

So here I am.

With so many things to say.... trying to figure out the balance between giving to my family and those I love most, and giving to the one of the few things in my life that allows me to inhale deeply and let go with a great release that doesn't come easy to me.

So as I try and figure it out... I have found myself back here again.
To this place.
To what is familiar.
My fingers have found the keys once again.
They have settled in and have begun to fly on their own accord.

Sunsets and breezes....

That is the best way to describe where I am at at this moment in time.
Like the colors that paint a picture across the settling sky.
As night edges in, and color explodes across the horizon.
Oranges and reds.
Pinks, purples, and blues.
Light and dark.
Bursting with meaning and feelings that can't always be expressed.
Like those feelings of first love.
Strong and sweet.
Compounded and full.
Soul stirring with butterflies moving in the pit of your stomach.
With eyes closed and the cool breeze brushing you with it's fingers......
Not knowing where you are going but knowing that wherever this may carry you is okay with you.

This is me.
This is where I am at.

In the moment.
In the extreme living of my life.
Getting my hands dirty and immersing myself with everything around me.
My husband. My children. My family. My friends.
I am turning and spinning.... running and tripping.
I am not missing and not wanting to miss anything.
I am looking around with my eyes wide open.
Giving and surrendering.
All the time.
Constantly breathing in and letting it out slowly at the end of the day.
Counting my abundant blessings and praying for the grace to fix the many things that still are broken. What still needs mending. And going to the One who I desperately need to seek to help me step one foot in front of the other.

I am never alone.
Although I have been moving at the speed of light and stopping only when needing to.... He hasn't missed a beat with me.
He hasn't stopped loving me.
Wanting me.
Drawing me.
This fact continually amazes me.
I talk to Him all day long.
With my heart in my hands and on my sleeve.
Often with head hung in sorry and surrender.
And more often these days I feel His hands on me.
Loving me and offering me tender grace and unending mercy.
Standing and walking close.
Reminding me.... speaking into every situation.
Reminding me that He is present... that He IS.
That I don't need anything more than I need Him.
That I don't need to desire for anything more than what He wants to give me.
The things that can't be bought or sold.
That can't be taken or stole.
His love and His mercy that don't run out.... that run free... deep... and strong.
I have only to reach for them.
To long for and desire them.
Seeing that it is not my wants that matter but His design for me. This has been the one that I have grappled with the most.
Not me telling Him what I "think" or even how I think it should look or the way it should go.

His will and not my own.
He can not be manipulated.
He is not subjected to any man's whim.
He is God.

And it has been during this time that I am gaining a bigger perspective of what that truly means.


He is not here to do as I wish.
Do what I like.
And function the way I think He should.
He IS.....

He is not mine. Like property to be bought and owned.
I am His.
I belong to Him.

The enormity of WHO He is.... it is so grand... it is so large scale.

We think that we know Him.
What He is thinking... that we can figure Him out.... perceive and understand Him.
What pride.
What selfishness and foolishness.
We can only hope to begin to understand how great, how big, how vast He is.
He is so much.
So much more than we give Him credit for.... than we are willing to understand, comprehend, or acknowledge.

Who are we that we think that we can fully grasp God?
That we can dictate to Him Who He should be? 
And in the midst of our selfish thinking, we have decided that we only want Him to be engaged where we see fit... where we think it is necessary.

Oh man.... the thought that this is how we have been living crushes me to the pit.
Because we have. I have.
Being desperate for only what we want to be desperate about.
Not what really matters... not what really counts.
We should be desperate for Him to be involved in everything in our lives.
Every detail. Every minute. Every day and every breath.

The entirety of everything. It is so huge. It encompasses so much.
It should include longing for and wanting what burns in His heart....
Not just for me, but for all mankind.
The broken. The needy. The hurting, forsaken and forgotten.
We are so busy with "us" with all of our "stuff" that we have forgotten what is truly the most vital and important things.
And in holding back what we want to keep for ourselves... well, it's no wonder that we end up wondering, "What's going on?"
He deserves no less than our lives and our service to this life that He has richly blessed us with.
All of who we are... and all of who we hope to be someday.

We have only just begun with the surrendering... the seeking... the searching out.
Until we can offer it all... all of us... and all we dream of being..... the circles will keep us spinning... the rushing in and out will seem like the only thing we can do.

We need to slow down. To stop.

Stop spinning... keeping busy... running... far and wide. Going "here and there". 
Aimless. Restless. 
Constantly seeking out something "to do". 
Instead we need to stop doing and choose to sit. Coming to the end of what we know and seek to find what He has already said.
We need to find ourselves at His feet.
Letting our listlessness go... and holding on for dear life to the One who loves us more than we can ever comprehend.
No one else has the answers that we need. No man.
Only God.
Only His truths. The truths that come from His Word.
I think so many of us have been trying hard to seek conformation from others, even from those that we respect and love. Wanting to feel good about the decisions we are making. Wanting someone to tell us that what we are doing or how we are living is okay. 
But in the end. At the end. What they have to say holds not an ounce of weight compared to the council and wisdom of God.
There is a time and place to seek wisdom from godly council. I believe in that. And I have done that very thing at different times in my life. We should be accountable to godly people.
But what I speak of is different. I have been watching so many people around me seeking the approval of those around them instead of being most concerned with what God thinks and what He wants for them.
He will speak to us directly. 
But we have to be patient.
Willing to listen... and hear. 
We need to wake up and realize Who it is we're talking to.
He speaks... leads... and reveals in His timing. In His way.
He is God.
And it is our job to be relentless in our pursuit for Him. Not giving up when He doesn't show up the first time around. Telling us what we want to hear. We need to get to the point that hearing from Him and wanting His way trumps every other thing in our life.

We need to soak in His presence.
In His vastness.
Immersing ourselves in His worship and praise.
Making Him our everything.
Our breath breathing for Him.
Our passion only being quenched by His.
It is then that He will speak. Show and guide.
Then our purpose and motives will be brought about by His doing... then we can fully and confidently walk where He wants us to go.

He should be the only One we are living for.... wanting to do for.... living to please.
We can not set our own course and direction thinking that we know what it is He wants without consulting Him on it... without checking it with Him first... without really wanting to know what He thinks, and where HE wants us to go.
We can't do it on our own without erring, without getting it wrong over and over again. 
Coming up empty endlessly with little snips of fulfilment every now and again.

Do we want more?
Do we really want more of Him?
Then we need to seek Him like we have never done.

It will cost you.
Giving in ways that you didn't think you could.
It will pay for itself in the effort that you bring.
The reward... your reward..... is in getting to know Him more.
Understanding that you will spend forever getting to know Him.
And there is no greater joy.
No bigger reward.

He is here.
He is now.

He is within reach.... and He is reaching out... to you... and to me.
What God does that?
Loves bigger and far greater than any insurmountable thing?
Caring about us... caring for us?

He is Abba Father.
He is Daddy.
He awesome in power... mighty.... and great. 
He is everything that we need and all that we will ever hope to have.

He IS.

He calls us his children. His beloved.

I wonder if that humbles you the way it humbles me.
I hope it does.
And I hope it does something for you.
And makes  you desire to be changed. To let Him change you.

So this is where I am.... this is where I have been.... and this... this is what I  head for
every day. Some days doing a better job at it than others.
I love that my whole family is headed there too.
Longing with me.... searching and seeking out right along side me.
I love it.

And I am so humbled that you have chosen to walk along with me.
Like friends walking along at sunset.... sharing, having hearts that are connected to the same heavenly purpose..... 

... until another tomorrow.


So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4:16 NLT

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ." Galations 1:10 NAS

"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective." Colossians 3:1 The Message