I wish I knew.
Every time I had a question that I couldn't answer….
Every time no one else understood where I was coming from….
When I was afraid, instead of judging my fear, she saw straight through it.
She taught me how to fight it.
I am still learning.
When I was frustrated and couldn't get it right. Which was often…
She taught me to never give up. To try again.
When I couldn't make sense of the world not of my choosing she taught me to cling to the only One who can make sense out of chaos.
But here I am….
And I want to ask her so badly…
What do I do now Grandma?
How do I deal with this sort of heart pain?
This deep ache that has me in a vise that makes it hard for me to breath…
How do I watch you fade away and not be angry?
How do I let go of you in your deepest hour of need and not rail at the how?
How do I stop myself from asking why?
How do I stop the hurting?
How do I stop the fear?
How do I keep trusting Grandma? How have you always done it…. your whole life?
You never told me how I was supposed to let you go.
If even for a time…
If even for a time…
You never prepared me for anything this hard.
You taught me so much Gram. So much.
But you didn't teach me this.
And I am at a loss.
I want to be strong. Just like you taught me to be.
I want to be faithful. Exactly how you showed me.
I want to be soft. Like your heart.
I want to make you proud at this moment… one of the hardest moments of my life.
I want to find the joy... because you always found it. Always.
I am bereft Grandma.
You showed me how to be strong when life got hard.
You showed me how to raise a family and work hard for what I wanted.
You taught me that loving God was more important than anything else in this world.
But you forgot this oh woman of my heart….
You didn't prepare me for the day that I would have to let you go.
To see you not being strong.
To see you weak.
For life here without you in it.
I am lost in how to do this...
If only I could ask you…. so that I don't stay lost.
Even if it's not forever… If only you could tell me how….
How to say goodbye. For now.
"In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, 18 so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. 19 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Hebrews 17-19