I can not believe that I did not write one single solitary word in the entire month of May.... until today.
The last day.
I wrote.... in my head.
I thought... and I pondered.
So much of "life" has taken place in the past days.... days that in some ways have felt like forever.
So many things that happened.... even before May shone it's face on our lives.
There has been surgeries.... and fear.
Extreme moments for me to turn my face toward God... and not away from Him.
Moments when I sat up at night.... keeping watch... snuggling close... and crying out with a love that won't let go. Not ever.
Opportunities to show love... give love... and erase doubt in the minds of those that I love.
Allowing them to watch me stand... even when my knees get shaky.
Hopefully really showing them that it is not my own strengths that allow me to function at all.
There have been days when I kept questioning.... why?
Why would You allow this into our lives.... and then.... understanding.
Seeing with my own eyes... becoming more in awe of Him than I already am, because He simply deserves that kind of complete reverence.
Watching Him do what only He can.... and further humbling me into abject submission.
He walked me through a situation that has made me realize that it isn't about the event..... but about what I choose to do in the midst of that event that really mattered.
How I choose to surrender....
How I choose to see things... not through my eyes... but through His.
How I allow Him to use me, and the things He has placed in my hands.
Hands that felt like flinging those "things" away... tired and worn out.... frustrated and done....
I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that if I had... if I had given up... walked away...
I would have missed out on one of the biggest blessings of my life.... one of the sweetest memories that I will hold close for days to come.... one of my biggest lessons that He has ever taught me.
He taught me that opening my mouth isn't always the option.... but keeping it closed is often the better choice.
He is still working on me with that one.
I realized that although He will heal some things in my life... He may choose not to heal them all.
In the midst of my tantrum one day...just He and I... He patiently asked me again, even if... will I still choose to serve Him?
I walked through one of the hardest fastings in my life.
Being made fully aware of my pride... of my wanting to control.... and tell God how to do things.
It left me undone... wrecked... broken... and put me back in the place that I needed to be.
With self inflicted wounds that I didn't even realize I had ... at His feet.... understanding that in the midst of all that I see... all that I try to "do".... that HE IS GOD.
I am not.
And I hope that I won't have to keep learning that lesson.... in the way that has kept me from understanding how He works... and just how much He loves me.
He has reminded me that patience and perseverance are the keys to being able to realize what He is promising... never loosing hold... never letting go of the hope that He has placed right in front of me.
He has held out faithfulness.... and I have found my own lacking...
He has renewed me in ways that I can't even describe in words... speaking when I thought to find Him silent... finding out that I needed to be quiet before I can really hear what He is trying to say... what He hasn't stopped saying....
My voice just got louder than His.
And thinking that I knew the way better... that I knew how to do it better.... Oh... what a shameful thing our own will is.
He has again shown me what it should look like to love... to forgive... even when I feel like that "one" doesn't really deserve my forgiveness at all... or in the very least... not before they receive the piece of my mind that I want to serve them.
He never serves me what I deserve... how is it that my flesh always desires to do differently?
How hard this lesson has been for me to learn... to walk through... the one that I am trudging through at this very moment.
When it has been my children... the ones being wounded.... the fight in me wants to come out swinging... wounding like they have wounded us... "Not worthy!!"
That is what I want to shout..... to lock them out of our lives and close the ranks on my family.
And as I turn in my wrath... I hear my echo... as it bounces off the rocks and mountains surrounding me... it comes back to me.....
".... Not worthy....."
The echo of it hitting me right in the middle of my chest.
Breaking the walls that I want so badly to resurrect... to fortify... for our protection.
For my protection.
I feel like I have told Him I'm sorry so many times this month.... during so many situations....
This one being the slam at the end of it all....
And you have to understand as my tears are wetting my fingertips... as I am feverishly wiping them away.... typing again... wetting my keys....
I know what He is asking my family to do....
I wish it didn't hurt as badly as it does.
I wish I could let the opinions of others bounce off us as if they don't matter at all.
I wish that I could shield my children, and those that I love, from the thoughtlessness that we all suffer from, impeding us, and trying to trip us up.
IF I am going to preach forgiveness... I have to forgive.
IF I am going to spout out words of love.... I have to be willing to love those that I wouldn't choose to. That I don't want to.
That I am angry at.... faceless... only armed with the knowledge that they have wronged.
Making me feel helpless.... frustrated.... and seeking redemption in a senseless situation.
Our family has been called to be different....
To not be the same....
To even stand out as odd to those who don't understand.
And to understand ourselves that that will always cost us something....
I am being taught by ones that have been taught by me....
Being humbled by the grace that I see in their faces... in the very depth of their eyes... every time I look into them...
Every single time.
Yes... this month has brought many things.
And although, as I sit here, ready to close out what has been an exhausting season... one that I am ready to let go of... I am also cognizant of the things that I need to deeply hold onto, the lessons that I have learned.
Grace... that God has given me... undeserved... and unrestricted.... knowing that I need to be just as willing to give it as I am to receive it. Having received it as well from those closest to me, who love me most.
Not an easy one... let me tell you.
Trust... in my God who has never let me down.
Who continually and patiently reminds me that He is worthy of all things in my life.
Believing Him... and taking Him at His word.
And trusting others... those that have proven their worth in my life. Old friends, and new.
Their faithfulness to my family, continually loving us in the midst of our circumstances.
This by far has been one of my greatest treasures from this season. The reassurance that we are most definitely not walking this journey alone.
We are not alone.
Such simple words... and yet in my opinion... one of the hardest ones to live out in the life of a believer.
Having it tested over and over again... beaten and tirelessly tried...our enemies ultimate goal for us to be defeated in.
I am continually reminded how often we are attacked on this front and how diligent I need to be to protect it.
Of the things I have no control over, and even the things that I think I can.
I don't think I'm done learning this one.
So many things.....
So many lessons learned.
Fear turned to trust.
Pride turned to humbleness.
Frustration turned to understanding.
Anger turned to grace.
Unforgivness turned to love.
I know that I am still on a journey.
One that has taken me far... and continues to promise distance that I hope to look forward to.
And as I stand on this horizon... ready for the the rising of the next dawn....
I am still anticipating.... still longing... and still wanting more than I ever have.
I hope that it is something that I will never stop doing.....
My God IS the God of a million sunsets... and the only One who can promise the dawn of every new day.....
He is....and was... and always will be.
.... until another tomorrow.
1"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name. 2 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits; 3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases; 4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; 5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:1-5 NAS
"Test me, LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love
and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness." Psalm 26:2,3 NIV