At The Cottage Background

Friday, August 5, 2011



I just got through musing through my own musings.
Looking back at past posts. Thinking....
Re-thinking... re-connecting... and re-wondering about so much that has been going on in our lives over the past few months.
I feel the need to apologize... to say I'm sorry for my neglect.... but I just can't.
Not without fully meaning it.
That's not me.
And just as a side note... I have been away from here... still pondering who "me" is.
But the parts of me that I am becoming well acquainted with, I am becoming pretty sure of.

I love to write.
I would do it every day... for hours if I could. I know I've said this before.
But it still holds true ... life hasn't afforded that for me right now.
What began as our crazy... busy... insane scheduled life this past year... has blurred into exhaustion and neglect.
Not intentionally.
But it has seeped into neglecting a primary part of who I am.
I have started walking again... marching really... praying... seeking... and having conversations with God about the things that I still can't understand.
I've wanted to write... thought about it... a lot.
But every time I would get close to actually doing it... I would stall.
I'm not sure why.
I seem to be repelled by "modern" anything lately.
But I had to think a little deeper when I found my writing pad yesterday... stuck at the bottom of my travel backpack. Like a lost friend... neglected... and sadly... not missed.
I felt thwarted.
By myself.
Left bereft at my own inattention.
And although I'm not sure why I have been feeling the way that I have... I realized something more important at that moment.

God has called me to write.
I'm not sure about a lot of things...
Of this... I am starting to become a little bit more sure.
Even in the knowing... I still doubt it.
I still feel hugely inadequate for the task.
And for that matter... I wonder what that "task" is really supposed to even be?
Have you ever felt this way?
You know you've been given something.
An ability... a gift... a charge even.
But sometimes... you just feel... wrong in the doing of it.
I don't want to be self motivated in my writing.
And I guess, because I never want to write for myself... or for my own purposes... I began to wait too long.... stall on the right subject matter... and then as life has dictated... time has flown and every day has become more than what I intended it to be.
Losing a little bit of myself in the "doing".
I'm sure this is not what God has intended for me.
As I sit with my fingers flying over the keys... words forming like water being poured over a parched head... I feel....
But the hesitation is still there.
So much inside of me that still feels broken.
I feel like an antiqued tricycle.
Hobbling along on stunted wheels... red paint rusted and fading... trying so hard just to get there.
I'm not even sure where I'm trying to "get to".
But I do  know where I've been.
And I have been reminded of lessons that I didn't really recognize I was still learning... until I sat down here today.
In the midst of living... I didn't realize that He was still speaking to me. And I was worried that I have been missing it.
I can almost feel God smile at that one.

I have a child living in a world so far removed from her own.
Without the comforts she was raised with... without the things that all of us think we need to live our normal and happy lives.
And yet... she is more grounded... secure... and fuller than she has ever been here at home.
I miss her.
Part of my time with God has depended deeply on those prayers and thoughts surrounding her.
But when I see her smiling face in the pictures that she occasionally sends... and "hear" her voice in the written form that has become our only means of communication right now... I see and hear more joy and peace in her than I have ever known in her before.
I know that maturity comes with a price.
She has payed a high one.
I am completely bowled over when I think how God has begun to recompense so much that was lost for her.
I am reminded again... He is so good.
Her story alone fraught with one miracle after another.
Every one not having come easy... but when finally realized... joyfully accepted.
Leaving us all in awe that hasn't lost it's initial impact with the re-telling.

My younger daughter... the one that can not be described as our middle child... because she  could never possibly be ignored... is quickly approaching adulthood...
And life that I thought would take it's time... has neglected to listen to my please.. and has turned her into a beautiful young lady in her own rights... and I only blinked my eyes.
She is still a mystery in so many ways... beguiling seems to fit her perfectly.
But she is discovering and realizing so many things that only God can show and reveal to her.
And I feel the tenuous strings that tie us to her beginning to loosen... and stream out longer.
I am seeing it with my own eyes... prayers that I have uttered and cried out for at  her bedside since the moment I brought her home... beginning to take shape. Beginning to be answered.
God is so faithful.
Watching her realize who she is in Him. There is nothing more beautiful.
What an honor it is to be able to be a part of her life... it humbles me.

And then... there is my son.
Every time I think about him, I can not not be reminded of the promises that God has spoken over my life.
I begged God for one more child.
A son.
Not because we were not content with our girls... because nothing could be further from the truth.
But I always knew that I was meant to have a boy. Someday.
I just knew.
And so I pleaded.... and I prayed.
When I was told that it would be tough for me...
When my body refused to co-operate...
Even in the midst of him growing inside of me... I had to fight for him.
And like the warriors of long ago... ancient of days... our son is a fighter.
He doesn't quit.
He doesn't give up.
He is tenacious.
He holds on with a tight grip to whatever he decides to do.
And he doesn't let go.
I've never met a boy with so strong a will... and so tender a heart.
He breaks mine often.
With those eyes of his melting me in my resolves.
I am reminded of the strength of my Father in the stance of my son.
An overwhelming love that flows from the One that I feel so undeserving of...
In all His infinite glory.... in the power that He alone holds.... He hits me new every time with His compassion toward me.
His love... in spite of my hard to love personality.

God has still been teaching me.
He is still showing me more than I think I can contain at times.
And although I would love to promise that I will sit down here and write every single moment that He imparts to me....
I know that I can't.
I am still human.

But I'll try.

To do better with what He's given me.
To use the things that He has imparted to me.
In my trying not to sit here selfishly... I have been selfish in not using what has been given to me to use.
I buried my talents and didn't even realize I'd done it.
For that...

I am sorry.

So.... I close this post with muddy hands.
Sitting next to the hole that I had to retrace my steps to.
That God led me to this morning.
Having had to dig.... and get back what I unknowingly had hidden.
With the dirt embedded in my fingernails.
Chest heaving....
Ready again....
Knowing that He didn't give me what He doesn't intend for me to fully use.

I will try harder.
Try and do better.
And walk in the grace knowing that once again, it isn't about me.
I realize that I allowed "me" to get in the way.
It's hard to not have the thought process that you have to have it fully figured out before you can be used.
Sometimes....the only thing He requires... requests of us...

Is to give it our best shot.

I'm praying that I aim more than just hold onto my weapon.

Uselessness is what the enemy wants to lull us into.

I've never intended my life to be useless.

I'm choosing to shed that lie today.

If you've been there too... standing just outside of where your supposed to be... I pray that you'll start digging too.
Re-find what you have unknowingly hidden.
And begin to use it again.
It's there.
We have all been given something.
Some of us more than we think.

Walk in it.
Who knows....?
What you thought was unimportant... might just be the most important thing of all.

.... until another tomorrow.


Side note...
It's funny really. That this portion of scripture, is one that has been taught over the past few months in my church... and I kept missing it. Even though it echoed in my heart. And I know it to be true... God in His grace patiently waited until I was ready to really hear it. Funny how we can miss something so completely... thinking that we aren't really missing anything at all. Geesh. You'd think I'd get that by  now. ;)

Parable of the Talents
Matthew 25: 14-30
    14 “(K)For it is just like a man (L)about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. 15 To one he gave five [a](M)talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he (N)went on his journey. 16 Immediately the one who had received the five (O)talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. 17 In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. 18 But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his [b]master’s money.   19 “Now after a long time the master of those slaves *came and *(P)settled accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five (Q)talents came up and brought five more talents, saying, ‘Master, you entrusted five talents to me. See, I have gained five more talents. 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and (R)faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will (S)put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your [c]master.
   22 “Also the one who had received the two (T)talents came up and said, ‘Master, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more talents. 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and (U)faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.
   24 “And the one also who had received the one (V)talent came up and said, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed. 25 And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.
   26 “But his master answered and said to him, ‘You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. 27 Then you ought to have put my money [d]in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest. 28 Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.
   29 “(W)For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. 30 Throw out the worthless slave into (X)the outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth".