She leaves today.
I've had to do this before.
Releasing.... letting go... and setting free.
My emotions are all jumbled up inside.
Colliding with all of the things that I am already struggling through and fighting with.
At first glance I am excited.... thrilled... and steeped with anticipation.
At second.... I am thoughtful... mindful... and wanting more than anything for this to be one of the greatest adventures of her life.
And then there's now... right now.... when as I drove home from dropping off one of my youngest to school, and the song that she just choreographed began to play in my car and surround me, that it slammed right into the middle of my chest.....
It's okay... in the rightness of that word.
It's more than I can think or ask.
To allow her to step... and lunge into the depths of my Heavenly Father.
But it still stings just a little.
It still pings off my heart.... and makes me catch my breath in small gasps at this very moment.
It is right... and it is good... and as I recall the movements in her dance where she fully engaged and portrayed part of this journey that she has been on so far, during this small picture of time in her life, the tears fall in earnest.
She isn't going because she wants to.
She isn't going because she is longing to get away... and get out of her mundane existence.
She loves it here. She loves being home.
She is going because He's called her to.
She is going because she loves Him more than she loves her own comfort.
She is going because she chose to believe Him when He said to her... "You are called to be set apart."
And she is going because although it pains her to leave home again... to leave all that she knows... loves... and wants so much to be apart of... She won't risk what saying no means to her... to Him.
She is being obedient.
And I am humbled by her obedience.
I know what it is costing her. What it has cost her before this.
I am awed by her heart that is breaking at the moment... and wanting to cling to what she knows won't hurt her. Not really.
Not the way she was hurt before.
The way that has still left bits and pieces of crumbs still clinging to her memory... still sticking to her heart.
But I can't allow her to stay in this place that can only offer her stability... and no room to span the beautiful wings that God has given her.
They stretch far... and they will go wide.
She can't extend them if she stays.
And she knows that... and so do we.
She has always been meant for so much more.
So much more than we can even foretell on our own.
She is meant to go farther... reach deeper... and impact in ways that she can't here.
And although the wounds are still fresh... and the scars are still pink... He won't waste what has gone on before.
He uses it... and builds off of it. And if we let Him... will make us to succeed in ways that we couldn't imagine He could when the hurt was deep and the wounds were at their deepest.
He doesn't set us up to fail.
He hasn't set her up to fail.
And I know that He won't fail her.
We can't control what people do... how they choose to live their lives... how they choose to ignore or allow God to grow them... even when using us in them.... but we can choose to not let those choices stay with us in a way that would stop the growth... and inhibit what God is trying to do in us all.
We can't stay this way.....
And I know that is why He is calling her out.
Calling her out when she is not feeling ready yet... not wanting to let go.
It is like the pushing of the baby bird who steps cautiously toward the end of it's nest.
It looks scary... it looks far... and it looks dangerous.
I am that mama bird... nudging her on... and pushing her forward.
Because I know that if she stays too long that she won't ever want to leave at all.
That she will never experience the joys of souring..... dipping through the air... and flying with the wind in her face and feeling the exhilaration that only comes when doing what we have been born to do.
What she has been born to do.
She will never know... if I choose to be selfish... if I choose to do what feels most comfortable to me...
To hang on tight.
To not let go.
And in the long far reaching impact of it, keep her from the dreams that not even she realizes are going to be released when she finally takes that step off... and out.
So I am letting go again... today....
And when I watch her walk away from me I am going to imagine her wings... beginning to unfurl... and gently begin to span....
And I am going to be watching the beginning of something so beautiful... something more different than the last time.
I almost knew then.... I almost knew that she would come home wounded and beat up.... my tears felt wrenched from places that I didn't know I could feel from.
But not this time.
My tears are coming from a heart filled with more love... more hope... more anticipation... and more dreams for her to abound above what she is just experiencing in the moment and feeling as her footsteps take her farther and farther from where it seems "safer" to be.
I am anticipating more....
And I am hearing that song again rise up... and take flight of its own.
Swirling around us all... and dipping in and out of the crevices of all of our hearts....
"He is jealous for me... loves like a hurricane... I am a tree... bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.... when all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory... and I realize just how beautiful You are... and how great Your affections are for me.... Oh... How He loves us... Oh. Oh how He loves us..... How He loves us.... Oh."
I can almost feel the soft breeze fluttering against my own cheeks as her wings begin to cautiously and gently move out... as the breeze of it begins to dry the tears that have already begun to fall as I watch a piece of my heart begin to take flight.....
.... until another tomorrow.
6-18 "God makes everything come out right;
he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
not easily angered, he's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,
nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
keeps in mind that we're made of mud.
Men and women don't live very long;
like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
leaving nothing to show they were here.
God's love, though, is ever and always,
eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
as they follow his Covenant ways
and remember to do whatever he said." Psalm 103:6-18