At The Cottage Background

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Is It Enough...?

I woke up this morning with one thought...
"Lord... I just need to know."

It might sound awkward to you.
It might sound... unknown.
And maybe a little unbelieving.
But I needed to know.
I needed to feel Him today... in the midst of my circumstances.
In the midst of my pain.

My youngest daughter has been sick.
She... and we... have been struggling with watching her battle one thing after another.
One foreign ailment, ache, pain, and scary "what if's" from doctors for months now.

Not for her.....
And not for me.....

I am wound tight.
Tired... disillusioned... and wondering what I have to do next.
And what He is requiring of me... of us... of her.

And it with this that I cried out before the sun hit it's mark this morning.

Would it be too much God? Father.... are You willing to give me some sort of sign that it is all going to be okay?

Word after word that has been spoken....
Healing...  that is coming... but we are holding out on a thread.
My grip on the sheer rocks that I have been clinging to lately... for what seems the longest periods of time.... are starting to slip.
My hands are tired... chalky... ripped and bleeding....
I am tired... worn.... and....

But I can't.
And I know I won't.

As I wrapped my arm around my husband before we even got out of bed, I asked him....

"Please pray."

He knew.... like me... that we couldn't repeat yesterday.
We can't keep the pace that we have been running at.
Just when I thought that we had reached our levels of desperation.... we hit one more level of need.
And so he began to speak what I needed to walk in today... what I needed to hear and cling to today.

I don't know why... why we are having to walk through this...and why He is requiring what I feel I don't have anymore to give. I am grasping to try and understand it.
But as I dropped my daughter off at school today... thinking about her limping around on her knee that is causing her excruciating pain every day lately... and refusing to let my mind wander too far ahead of us to next week when I will have to surrender her to the hands of her doctor for a surgery that I am too afraid to admit fear to....
I once again sent up my heart.....

I receive daily devotionals... and I can't tell you how many times God has used them in my life.
NO..... really used them.
It is like these women, different authors every day, know what I am going through.
They seem weirdly connected to my heart in some unexplainable way.
And so it was today....

Here is what I read.....

Proverbs 31 Ministries

And I immediately heard Him whisper to me....

"Is it enough?"


"Is it enough that I've asked you to trust Me?"
"Is it enough that you know that I love her more than you do?"
"Is it enough that I have promised... and is it enough that I have said yes?"
"And is it enough that you would be willing to live your life out.... for others to see... just like you've told
me you want to... to show what it looks like... to walk... and to fight for what you believe is yours?"

"Is it enough?"

And as I sit here... pondering all of this.... crying with tears that I thought had long run dry on this particular topic, coursing down my face.... I realize that I have a choice to make.
Once again....
And as I realize the things... the other things that He has been busy doing... in the life of my oldest one...

I am astounded once again at His faithfulness.
To the prayers that I longingly prayed last year... as I sat a world away and watched my oldest daughter hurt... and struggle through what she needed to learn from. What she needed to be broken from... and built back up again to....

Tomorrow we put her on a plane again.
And this time... this time is different.
We are not sending her to places unknown to people that we thought we could trust.
We are sending her to a place that has been dear and close to our hearts for years... a place that we have not stepped foot on... but somehow God has already destined for some of us to go.
God has already gone before her.... He already sent someone before her... someone I never would have thought.....
And she is being anticipated for... already loved on... and ministered to... and she is still a bedroom away from me.... sleeping... dreaming... and waiting....
And I am once again reminded what He has done for her.... what He has promised... and what we can not undeniably forget....

He is faithful.
And what He promises is true.

And it is not lost on me... that this place she is going to... isn't even a place that she ever dreamed of going to.
It's not where she wanted to go....

But it is somewhere her sister wants to be... someday... and soon.
She has been dreaming and planning for this place for the past several years.
She has spoken of it... determined to go.....
And she was a little miffed that her oldest sister gets to go there first.
But my oldest said something to me a few weeks past... not understanding why... and wondering at the plan of God in all of this...

"Mom, do you think that God is taking me there for K?"
"Do you think that He is going to use me to prepare the way for her....?"
"I don't know honey... maybe..... Possibly."

"Could you possibly be weaving both of my girls callings together.... uniting them somehow... someway?"

I don't know.... I just don't.
But I somehow sense that He is. And at the moment I can't understand it.... but I don't need to.
That my one daughters call is in some way connected to the other....
And somehow... we are all joined in ways that I can't fathom or explain.
I am still wondering... but in there, there is hope.
Hope for a new day.
Hope that my youngest daughter will reflect and see someday all that God was doing... and what He has done...
And that she will see better than any of us do today that He has been... was... and is working on all of our behalf.

So that question that He spoke to me... whispering it to my heart... echoing even now in the depths of my soul.....

"Is it Enough?"

"Yes Lord.... today... and for now.... in all that I don't understand, or even in all that I fear.... it is enough."

"You.... are enough."

... until another tomorrow.


Because I know what He went through for us... I can hold on tight.

Isaiah 53:9-11 The Message Bible

"7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
   but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
   and like a sheep being sheared,
   he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
   and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
   beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
   threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
   or said one word that wasn't true.
 10Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
   to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
   so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
   And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
 11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
   he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
   will make many "righteous ones,"
   as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
   the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
   because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
   he took up the cause of all the black sheep."

"18 I wait in hope
      for your salvation, 
God." Genesis 49:18

"And then I'll stir up fresh hope in Israel—the dawn of deliverance!— and I'll give you, Ezekiel, bold and confident words to speak. And they'll realize that I am God."Ezekiel 29:21

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart..." Proverbs 3:5 NIV

1 comment:

  1. I wrote and wrote then couldn't post. Then I realized that that the Lord just wanted for me to talk with Him. It's funny how he does that.

    Trusting in His love for us is a step in walking with Him without reservations. Trusting God for both my granddaughter's in all things being health healing or for protection over them as they walk in His footsteps. May Mercy and Grace to follow them in all times.

    Love you for sharing your heart with all who read this blog. I pray that their hearts be open to the Lord so they can hear Him for them selfs.

    Love you so much,