I had had this conversation before.
Maybe not with the person in front of me... but it was familiar. Too familiar.
There have been moments when I have felt my heart bleed from the pain of it.
The heart break that accompanies the knowing... of their not knowing.
I have often wondered how it would feel to not care.
To not consider where they are going... and if I will ever see them again.
Their pain. Their hardness. Their deception. And worst of all... their rejection.
Not just of me.
Although that hurts.
But of the God I love. The God I serve. The God I have given my life up for.
They think I don't get it.
They think I don't understand.
They think I stand in constant judgement of the lives they've chosen to live.
They think me incapable of knowing.
These thoughts are always clogging up our lines.... severing any attempt at relationship.
Have I been too harsh?
Have I been too bold?
Have I pushed too much? Too hard?
Have I allowed what I have seen as love to be portrayed as the opposite of what I was trying to convey?
Have I not tried enough?
Or loved them the way they need to be loved?
I don't know.
There is only silence to my questions.
There is only the beating of my heart and the falling of my tears.
I don't know.
I just know this.... I can't stop caring.
I can't stop feeling.
And I won't stop loving.
It is all important to me... and too important for me to give up on and quit.
The pain has only intensified.
I have tried to shove it back... push it in the closet of my mind and slam the door on it.
But it keeps coming open.
The door gaping at me with all of our "stuff" hanging out of it.
Falling... taunting me... making more noise now as the pieces of our history continue to re-play themselves in my ears over and over again.
How many times is too many?
How much time has to pass before you aren't related anymore?
Before your heart disengages and you stop caring if they see or not?
I don't think I ever will.
I know I never can.
My love is too deep. My heart is too overwhelmed for reasons that even I can't understand.
Does your heart echo mine?
Do you know from where my heart is speaking and crying out from?
No matter if....
No matter if there never is a ever.
I won't give up.
It is too important.
And knowing that I may never see them again is stronger in my heart than any pride that I may have left.
For those that don't know....
Whether related... unrelated... or closer than you think...
For those that you may have forgotten... or have not given up praying for....
And the hearts of us all.
He knows where we are.
All of us.
And with that.... I am still holding on tight.
To them... this is my hearts prayer... my song....
The story behind the song...
until another tomorrow...
"They cried out to you and were saved. They trusted in you, and you didn’t let them down." Psalm 22:5