Monday, February 22, 2010
Do I believe Him?
DO I BELIEVE HIM?
This question has been going round and round in my head.
You can call yourself a Christian and not trust God.
You can call yourself a believer in Christ and not know a thing about Him.
You can claim to believe and even "know" a whole lot of things.... and not really believe anything... or know it for that matter.
You can tell yourself that you have it all together and all figured out.... and you are probably giving in to the largest lie you have ever bought into.
You can say... and not do. Anything.
And so are you really believing what it is you say you believe in?
Do you believe there is a God just so that you can sleep at night?
With a faith so thin that it will crack at the first sign of any pressure applied to it?
Do you say you don't believe in Him because you don't have the guts to trust anything outside of yourself?
Do you trust yourself and your sense of control more because the thought of trusting anyone or anything else scares you to the core of your being?
I have believed so many of these things.
I shared a while back that God has been asking me if I trust Him?
But do I trust Him enough?
Enough to step out of my mutilated comfort zone and take the gigantic leap of faith to proclaim Who He Is?
WHO IS HE?
He is Alpha and Omega.
The beginning and the end.
He is All Mighty.
He is sovereign.
He is peace personified.
He is grace.
He is mercy.
He is MORE than our minds can comprehend.
He is glorious.
He is awesome.
He is powerful.
He is amazing.
He is abounding in love, overflowing with mercy.
He is boundless.
He is beyond comprehension.
He is worthy.
HE IS WORTHY.
Of our praise.
Of our reverence.
Of our sacrifices.
Of our delinquencies.
Of our shortcomings.
Of our trust.
Of our devotion.
Of our very being.
Of our love and adoration.
HE IS WORTHY.
And that means that He is worthy of my belief.
To believe Him when He says, "I am going to heal you."
When He says, "I love you.".
Getting to desperate to believe it isn't His choice for us.
It is ours.
He isn't any different today than He was yesterday... or the day before that.
He hasn't all of a sudden appeared out of no where with, "Ta dah! Here I am!"
He has been here all along.
It is we that have gone astray.
It is we that have let the "outside" in.
It is we that have allowed ourselves to become burdened with our circumstances.
It is real.
It is painful.
I am not talking out of a place of complete unreality.
I have been living in that "reality" for a very long time.
It is not where our Savior lives.
He lives in the place of peace.
In the place of joy in the midst of hardship.
He lives where healing is a way of life, and not an impossibility.
I am longing to live in that place.
I have been in 24 hour worship and prayer since last Wednesday when I was rocked physically and brought to my knees.
Finding myself alone in my house I just let go.
Face down and arms stretched before me I cried out.
I begged and pleaded.
"I want more of You!"
"I WANT MORE OF YOU!"
And I want to be healed.
Of it all.
All of it.
My desperation was palpable.
As I lay there I thought, " What if someone comes home and sees and finds me like this?"
In light of where I was at, I didn't care.
I still don't.
I am desperate for Him.
For His presence.
For His touch.
When I inch away even the tiniest bit I feel it immediately.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to lose this.
I can't explain the feeling.
I truly believe that what I am experiencing is not a passing fancy.
I believe that THIS is what God has wanted all along.
THIS IS IT.
Relationship with Him.
Being passionately in love with Him that NOTHING else matters but what He wants to do.
What He wants to show us.
And with what He wants to do with us.
Not any pursuit that would convolute or pollute what we are hearing.
What He is trying to say.
It isn't that any of that is bad. Well, it can be. But I think you get my gist.
But right now in this season. In this time that we are living in.... there is no time to waste.
In our homes. In our cars. In our work places. In all of it.
In our every day moments.
He wants to "be" right in the middle of it all.
I will not dare you to try it.
I will not attempt to convince you.
You have that choice on your own.
But I will say this....
There is nothing like it.
There is nothing like this feeling that I am feeling.
There is nothing like God.
I will raise my voice above the tallest mountain.
I will yell it from the highest hill.
GOD IS GOOD.
MY GOD IS MIGHTY.
TO ACCOMPLISH ALL THAT WE FIND IMPOSSIBLE.
AND HE IS WORTHY......
OF ALL OUR PRAISE.
He is worthy of my beleif. Of my life. Of my everything.
And I will proclaim it forever.
....until another tomorrow.
"1Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
2Oh let Israel say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
3Oh let the house of Aaron say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
4Oh let those who fear the LORD say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
5From my distress I called upon the LORD;
The LORD answered me and set me in a large place.
6The LORD is for me; I will not fear;
What can man do to me?
7The LORD is for me among those who help me;
Therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me.
8It is better to take refuge in the LORD
Than to trust in man.
9It is better to take refuge in the LORD
Than to trust in princes. " Psalm 118:1-9
If you feel drawn I want to encourage you to read the whole of Psalm 118.
God put it on my heart today. And I believe that it is not just for me.
God bless you as you seek after and become desperat for more of Him.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I have been in a desert.
For what has seemed a very long time.
I have been crying out to God... seeking Him.
Or thought I was seeking Him.
In many ways, I have. But I have learned lately, not in the most important ways.
I'm not sure how to phrase this next sentance... so I will just say it.
I have been ill.
I don't like the word sick.
Stupid I know. But there it is.
I have a "condition".
One that I hate. And I am not proud to talk about.
I hate talking about it.
I felt the Lord tell me to talk about it a few weeks ago...and I have fought Him on it.
And I have been getting worse.
My quallity of life has decreesed.
I wake up and don't know what that day will bring.
And I have allowed the fear that I have been fighting off to creep back in... and put his chains back on my wrists... and my feet... and around my neck.
Chokeing me with the strain and pressure.
I have again bought into his lies.
And I am so ashamed.
So I now find myself in this place.
This place of darkness and uncertainty.
I have fybromialgia.
The syndrome, that isn't a syndrome to so many.
I have been told that it is a figmant of my imagination... a mythical disease that doctors go to when they don't know what to tell you.
But in essence... I have been told that it doesn't exist. And it is not real.
Tell my body that.
Because living in agonizing pain every day of my life is not fun.
In fact it sucks.
In the worst way.
Imagine having the worst flue of your life... your body aching from head to toe, every muscle in your body tight and in constant spasms.
Imagine your head feeling like it weighs 1000 pounds which in turn makes your neck feel weary and tired.... all day long.
With no respite... and no rest.
Sleep is your enemy, and your waking hours seem endless.
Tell my body that this is all in my head.
Tell my spirit that I am just imaging it.
I dare you.
Becauese I will bet that you have then never felt what I feel every day. And know what I wish I didn't.
And lately, the bane of my existece has become what I hate most.
Striking when I least expect them... and with the intensity that pushes me to tears and wishing to escape from the hell that is my body. That has become my life.
But I say all of this not to share it so that you can just know it.
I share it becaue although I feel like my body is wasting away.
In this desert that is surrounding me.
I have heard a voice.
"I am going to heal you."
I heard it 8 years ago when I first found out what I had.
And I was told that I would remember that day.
I'm not sure what to say next......
My thoughts are scattered like broken shells on the sand.
The water keeps rushing in and carrying them off before I can grab them.
I am sure.
I am becoming increasingly more confident.
My lack of faith doesn't come from wanting... it comes from believing.
Have you ever wanted somthing SO badly that you would do anything to get it?
I have sought out doctors.... alternative medicine... physical therapists... diet......
And it has all failed me.
And the voice keeps saying ever so lightly... ever so gently...
"Are you done yet?"
"Because they can't help you.... only Me. Your healing is going to ONLY be found in Me."
I have talked about giving up... letting go... surrendering.
I have in many ways. But not in the ways that matter most.
I am now completely helpless. And I have been in despair.
It is in THAT moment that God came in.
"O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you."
This is not just for me.
THIS IS NOT JUST FOR ME!
He is going to do things that we have only yet heard about.
I believe with all my heart that God is going to begin to work in ways that we have only longed for but have never felt woud be possible.
And He will give us water in place of the dry and dark places.
He is going to begin to pour out in a way that even His most devoted will stand back in amazement.
"What is this that He is doing?", we will ask.
And He is going to show us.
He is going to show us just how BIG a God He really is.
Our participation is absolutely neccesary.
It is imparitive.
I don't want to miss it.
I am running after Him.
My body feels frail.... my arms are tired... my legs are aching....
BUT I WILL NOT STOP.
I WANT YOU LORD.
I WANT WHAT YOU SO DEEPLY WANT TO GIVE.
He is who He sais He is.
Whether we believe it or not!!
And He wants to show us.
He is going to show us!
I have been walking in constant worship since Wednesday.
I have kept the worship music going 24-7.
I have been praying in the spirit.
I have been doing battle.
There is an urgency in my spirit.
There is a pulling and a drawing.
"Don't miss me."
"I am coming."
"Anticipate my arrival."
He is going to visit us.
In a way that I think is going to blow our conseptions right out ot the box.
You can say no.
You can close your eyes.
You can and will do whatever it is you choose and want.
I choose to not blink.
To keep my eyes way open, and ready.
I am here Lord.
I am anticipating You.
Where are you?
Can you see me across the sand?
Can you see the tears washing down my face?
Can you see me on my knees with my arms stretched wide and my face turned high?
Becuase I am listening......I am waiting.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear the voice in your desert?
He IS speaking.
Father, help us in our unbeleif.
Forgive the sins of this land. The sins that hold us back from You.
We need You God.
More than we have ever needed you before.
You ALONE God.
I know that my voice is small.
I know that I am not big... and that I am just one.
But together, we are many.
I pray that you will begin to seek the face of God like I have.
Face down, repentant, and wanting what He alone can give.
It is time. Today is the day.
We can't wait anymore.
What are we waiting for anyway?
For someone else to come save us?
From this world, from our worries, from our sicknesses, from everything that makes us feel like we just can't make it one more step?
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
Don't wait. Don't wait.
The time is now.
A voice in the desert....
Are we going to lilsten?
.... until another tomorrow.
18 "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"
23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows." Isaiah 30:18-23
Thursday, February 11, 2010
And I know that there are a lot of "bloggers" that are amazing writers....
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18
Friday, February 5, 2010
test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23
"From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you. On earth he showed you his great fire, and you heard his words from out of the fire. 37 Because he loved your forefathers and chose their descendants after them, he brought you out of Egypt by his Presence and his great strength, 38 to drive out before you nations greater and stronger than you and to bring you into their land to give it to you for your inheritance, as it is today." Deuteronomy 4:36-38
This song by Brit Nicole really says so much.... of how I have been feeling, and how I feel right now.
I often play it in my car while I am driving, turned up loud, with one hand on the wheel and the other stretched out in surrender as I sing it with all my heart....
I hope it speaks to and encourages you. It really does sum it all up for me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." Romans 5:5 Amplified Bible
"There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" Romans 3-5 The Message Bible