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Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I have been disappointed.

With life.
With myself.
And generally with a lot of people around me.

I want more.

Out of life.
Out of myself.
And from the people I am closest to.

Is this too much to ask?

I really am wondering.

And is it okay to wonder? And want more than is right here.... and right now?

I have been pinging these thoughts around in my head for a while now.
It isn't a question of contentment... or discontent. Although I guess in a way it might be.

I have been trying to be content with where I have been placed for right now. In the moment of motherhood, being a wife, a Sunday school teacher, a writer (sort of), and realistically trying to keep up with the days that seem to fall one into the other with no hope of much change or difference.

My health hasn't been great. And that, I will save for another day.....
But it has added to my not being comfortable lately.

It's like I have been sitting in a chair that just doesn't feel right for so long now.
I have wiggled and adjusted. Squirmed and fidgeted.
But no matter how hard I try.... I just can't get comfortable.
The chair isn't going to change, no matter how much you move and adjust yourself to try and make it more than it is.

My life feels like that chair right now.
And I have been wiggling and adjusting so much that I have begun to feel worn out by the effort.

Okay... so I know maybe some of you are immediately thinking.... so stop struggling and just relax.
Ummmm... yah. I've tried that too.
I've done the whole surrender to it thing.
Trust me when I tell you, that it works for about a minute of time.
And then it becomes clear that even when I've relaxed in it, and resigned myself to it, I get uncomfortable again.
I am trying. Believe me.
But there is something, or Someone who although wants me to be still, doesn't want me to get too comfortable.

Am I making ANY sense at all?

Oh brother.
And don't get me started on the self doubt.

I know that God doesn't want for me to doubt. But does He want, or has He continued to allow for me to be uncomfortable?
My hunch in one sense, is yes.
Yes to not getting complacent.
Yes to not being satisfied with the ordinary.
Yes to wanting more of Him and less of what the world finds as temporary fulfillment.
And yes to not settling for anything less than what He wants.

But there is also a No.
No to not trusting and doubting Him. Even in the midst of really confusing circumstances.
No to believing that He doesn't want more for me than I am right now.
No to the lies that He doesn't see me as beloved and prized. With value far greater than my small mind can comprehend.
And no to depending on my own self worth and how I see myself instead of His view of the big picture of who I am and who He has created me to be.

I am eager to launch out of this chair.
I am tired of being patient.
I know that this is a character trait that we all have to exercise and need our whole lives through....... but........

more than this.

More than this place of rigidity.
Of constant shifting with no real end result or outcome.
Of feeling like I can't stand. Jump. Run. And throw my arms out and dance as hard and free as I am longing to.
Twirling and moving.
Not merely stationary and feeling as though I am becoming stagnant.

Don't misunderstand.
I am in a deeper proximity in my relationship with God than I have ever been.
I feel as though I am finally gaining clearer perspective on who He is. Although, I know that this will be a lesson that I will continue to learn until we stand face to face some day.
But at the same time it is just for these reasons that I am constantly feeling like my present state of being is just not enough.

This is where I struggle lately.
I want more of Him. And I want more than just the average life.
Punching the suburban clock and punching out again.
Yet I keep getting told that I have to be content in everything.
Much confusion has arisen from this mentality of thought.

I want to move.
I want to impact more than just this tight circle that I feel forced into.
I want to stretch and test my wings.
I don't want to be judged by how I merely appear or from my past, but I want for people to want to know me. To really "see" me.
I feel like I have been evolving for a while now.
The most painful times in my life have been the last few years.

I have so many dreams.
So many hopes.
And so many promises that I hope to realize.

I know that this post is different from so many others.
I know that I am setting a different stage.

I hope that you will stick with me.
And realize as I am, that it is okay.

To want more.
To need more.
And to hope for more.

Just as long as that more is rooted in God.
And for His wants and desires for us.

Here is to a new chapter.
And hopefully one that I can look back on and gain new understanding into my Heavenly Fathers perspective on it.
On me.

And I hope that in the end of this season... that I won't be disappointed anymore.

At all.

.... until another tomorrow.


"Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." Romans 5:5 Amplified Bible

"There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" Romans 3-5 The Message Bible

1 comment:

  1. Mom,
    Amazing how we can be so far apart but have the same stirrings in our heart. It must be God. I have to trust that God has a plan for us both. One that is bigger then the both of us even put together could imagine. I'm excited for you, Mom. For the restlessness you feel must mean only one thing... that He is calling His people. He is calling you. And you are ready. Be encouraged today as your words have encouraged me.
    I love you so much.