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Monday, January 18, 2010


It is around 11:30 p.m.
It is late..... and I am tired.
Everyone is asleep. Tucked in and dreaming.
My house is quiet and I want to shut off like everyone else.
But my mind will not.

The thoughts keep turning over and over... one after the other... fighting for my attention.
Not letting me rest.

They are so strong that I can almost picture them... like the decks of cards in Alice of Wonderland.
Heads, arms, and legs.
Pushing, shoving, faces set... and determined.
Some winning the fight to get to the front of my thinking.
The others discontent to be the forethought.
Every one wanting to be the champion of my attention.

My past testimony..... my present one.
My worry.... my doubt... my husband... my children.
Money, stress, tragedies, circumstances.
To do lists... and want to do lists.
Distractions and discontentments.
Pain, both emotional and physical.

Dancing around and around making me lose my train of thought. Making me dizzy.

And in the back... I can see it.
The one that I won't get close... the one that I have constantly fought as far back as I remember.


I want it all to be quiet.

I need to be still.

I need to get away and silence all the things that try to drown out the only voice I need to listen to.
I need to drag myself from the very things that I try to use to help me not the think so much.
I need to feel the wind on my face, and the music pulsing through every fiber of my being.
I need to stretch out my arms and open my hands and let it all go.

The only times I get to do this is after the kids are in school, and my husband is left typing away work on his computer.
This is when I escape.

It's ironic really....
The place that I have to go to get away from it all.
I climb into my car.... my own private space.
I find my circulation of worship songs, and turn the ignition on.
I don't know where I am going... there are a lot of places I "could" be.... but for now.... I am free.

The windows are cracked open, the music is loud...... and with one hand on the wheel, the other is stretched out to the side of me, lifted, palm up.... letting Him take all of the things that I can't hold onto.
Those I love most, and those I don't. Especially those I don't.
The the things I want to control, and all of it that I can't.

Every thing that has crowded Him out.

I am letting Him back in.

And as I begin to feel the release and the peace that only comes from spending time in His presence....
I can see them all fall down.
Like a deck of cards that can't stand on their own.....
Except these are not laying flat, but bowing down to the One who controls it all. Who holds ALL things in His hands.
The One who is bigger than all of them.

I can breath.... and for this stolen moment of time, let myself feel His peace that surrounds me like the softest and most perfect of breezes.

No more pushing.
No more shoving.

Just surrendering.
And loving.....
Accepting who I am in Him and Who He is all together.

I won't let myself think about anything else.
I can't.
It is only in this place of worshiping Him that the freedom comes... the joy is renewed.
And the hope is restored.

It is only here.

Like restoring rain falling down onto my dry and cracked resolves.
I can feel it fill and cover... sink in a penetrate through all the thick layers of my being.
Touching the innermost places in my heart and restoring the deepest parts of my soul.
And all of those things.... the stacks and piles of cards appear as they really are in light of Who He really is.....
Lifeless except for the life that I give them, and no more able to dictate the course my emotions unless I allow them permission.

I am just still now... focussed and gaze set forward. Waiting.... and finally ready to hear the voice that I've needed to hear most.

I am listening.
And I am ready to be restored.

.... until another tomorrow.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30

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