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Friday, February 5, 2010

Just Wondering.....

I have been thinking since my last post.
A lot.
I know that so many times when I have written I have opened up a window into my heart...
But this time felt different.
I was expressing something that was different.
More personal for some reason.
Maybe because what I chose to share is very close... and the emotion runs very deep for me.
And I've wondered.....
Has it made a difference?
Is anyone out there really reading this....?
Is anyone being helped by what I have written or am writing about....?

Why am I doing this?
And for who?
I have asked myself this before... even written about it to some degree, but...

How do I say this......?

I am not doing this or chosen to do it for accolades.
Anyone who truly knows me will tell you this.
I hate lime light.
It is why I fought God for so long about doing this.

The exposure.
The sensor.
The criticism.
The possibility of judgement.... or offending someone.
The reality of who I am. Really am... not who anyone "thinks" I am.

But I have chosen to do this because I have felt called and drawn to.
I have felt called to be honest. To be real. To be me.

And there is the rub.
I have done such a good job of allowing people to "sort of" know me, that I don't know if I like the idea of them knowing more than I want them to.

It is raw. I am a raw person.
I am real.
And I won't pretend to be anything else. Not here. And not anywhere else really.
But I do tend to shrink back sometimes. Kick myself for saying that... or not doing that better.
I am human.... and I doubt myself with the best of them.

I fight and have fought myself on this for so much of my life.
I have wanted to stretch for so long.... and have been afraid to.

I know that there is a right and wrong way to do things... the right way to say what needs to be said......
But I am still processing those out.
Still trying to find the "right" in who I am, knowing the right in Who God is.
Trying to figure myself out not by how even my closest friends and family think of me, but of what my Heavenly Father thinks of me... by the truths of His word.

I am not easily defined.

I am soft and rough.
Tender and often tough and hard to reach.
So weak... and yet strong.
Still learning, but smart.
Hurting and healing.
Failed so often but still trying.
Shy and bold.
Afraid and fearless.
Confident but insecure.
Fun and serious.
Dry wit and cynical.
I love to laugh and often cry......

And want to be so much more than I am right now.

I want to be recognized as a daughter of God.
I want to be known by my passion for Him.
I want to be taken seriously.... and also lightly.
I don't think more of myself than I should. And I don't want others to either.
In fact I think lower of myself than most may think. And God has been working on this for a while.

That is just it.....

That is why doing this sometimes is so hard for me.

Have I said too much?
Said too little?

I don't know.

And this is where I will bring it around......

Who is getting anything out of my day to day testimony of the life I am living?
Here and everywhere my feet touch?

Am I making a difference?

Does any of this count for something?

Does anyone else relate to what I am thinking? What I am feeling?

I want to know if what I am doing here..... matters? And I have been struggling with this along with all the other things I have been thinking about.

Is my being real.... and myself, helping... impacting... or encouraging change for anyone?

Because I don't know..... I would love to think that I am offering hope through the testimony of my life.... to reach out to those that may feel unloved, rejected, wounded, forgotten, and frustrated... to encourage the one who is fighting to be more just like I am.... or maybe just to give someone out there something to think about... to ponder... and hopefully to draw each one closer to their Heavenly Father who wants them to truly know Him.... to motivate them to change those things that He is wanting to refine.... and desire to be molded more into the image of who He is and not who they once were in the light of the truth of His Word.

To remind them that He is near. And He loves us.

He loves you.

I have been thinking, praying, and hoping that all of this.... all that I have written up until now has meant something.
And I am hoping that you have been able to hear my heart in it all.
At the end of the day I guess it really doesn't matter... not really.
Who may read it.
Because I have had to answer my own wondering heart....

I am going to keep writing..... I have considered stopping because I have been questioning my purpose and calling in it.
But my husband has given me food for thought....
Even if it is just for me.
To process.
To look back and to see the faithfulness of God.
To recall and remember all the ways that He has spoken, worked in me, shown me Who He is in every situation, fought hard for me, done battle for me, and loved me.
And if it is just for one other one.
I need to keep writing.

If it is just for you.

This is all worthy of my time..... of my heart.

...... until another tomorrow.


"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23

"From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you. On earth he showed you his great fire, and you heard his words from out of the fire. 37 Because he loved your forefathers and chose their descendants after them, he brought you out of Egypt by his Presence and his great strength, 38 to drive out before you nations greater and stronger than you and to bring you into their land to give it to you for your inheritance, as it is today." Deuteronomy 4:36-38

This song by Brit Nicole really says so much.... of how I have been feeling, and how I feel right now.

I often play it in my car while I am driving, turned up loud, with one hand on the wheel and the other stretched out in surrender as I sing it with all my heart....

I hope it speaks to and encourages you. It really does sum it all up for me.



  1. Your words were an inspiration to me. There are days when I feel more like I have been just running in sand than actually accomplishing anything.

    In the end, I come back around to MY walk, MY heart and MY relationship with God. It all has to start and end there if anything else is to come of anything that I do, think or say.

    Thank you for being willing to share!

  2. Thank you Kathryn... more than you know, your words mean so much.
    God bless you... on your daily walk, your hoping, dreaming, and determining to live the life worthy of the One who loves you more than any of us can think or imagine.
    And thank you for seeing my heart in all of this....
    that all by itself has brought a smile to my face this day.


  3. Keep writing my love. Because when that one person that may need an answer or to hear from the Lord, it will be that one time they decide to read your blog. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. So keep writing and continue to have the Lord speak through you. Be encouraged.
    Love your favorite fan.