At The Cottage Background

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Cause Worth Living For

I have to be blunt.
I am not a blogger.
I am a writer.

For some reason this has freed me up by just stating it. To you. And mostly to myself.
I needed to get it down. To cement it for myself.
I have fought the stereo type of this phenomenon called blogging.
Not that blogging is bad. I love blogs. And I love to read them.
And I know that there are a lot of "bloggers" that are amazing writers....
But the title for me has never sat well.
God has called me to write. Not blog.
This has freed me to write more how I feel I am called to write, and not just write to get something down. I don't have a target audience, nor a particular demographic.
I only write when I feel that God has laid the words on my heart. When they follow me around and won't leave me alone until I put them down.
I am a writer. In the deepest part of me.

I am learning so much during this season in my life.
It has occurred to me that we all are living for some sort of cause... or many causes.
It divides us, and unites us.

The causes of:
Achieving goals, whether they be self motivated or altruistic.
Fighting for something we believe in.... or don't.
Maybe it's not so much what we are fighting for but against.....
Against stereo types, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, fear.
So many things.. so many possibilities.

But there is one that stands out to me these days the most, the cause and fight against God.
Even when we think that we are pursuing His cause for our lives. We so often are not.
We are wanting what we want, the way we want it.
It then becomes our cause and not His own.
Forgetting that He is to be our singular cause... our singular purpose.
Relationship with Him.
Intimacy with the One who loves us and has made us His cause from the beginning of time.

We are His cause.
He is always fighting for us.
For relationship with us......His children..... His beloved.
That thought humbles and overwhelms me.

I have had so many causes that I have lived for in my life.
So many dreams that have driven me.
And they have shifted and changed so much over the last few years.
They are still changing.... and becoming more clear the closer that I draw to my Heavenly Father.
His causes for my life becoming more pronounced than all the others.
My dreams for my life and His for me, beginning to come together.
The desires that He has planted deeply in the farthest recesses of my heart are starting to push their way up.

So much of what I want to be is wrapped up in these three things.....
To serve God. To serve people. And to move about while doing it.
Not just any people... but the broken, the wounded, and the lost. And not just anywhere... but specific areas, places well known and places remote.

To serve with my life and with my gifts.
Gifts that I have kept shelved for so long because I thought that they were a dead dream.
God has begun to pull them down off my dusty and forgotten shelves.
Blowing off the collected dirt.... wiping off the muck to see what lies underneath.
He keeps holding them out to me to see... one after the other. Pointing and directing my gaze to the ones still lying on the shelves.

I have been so scared... of every one.

So many dreams.... so many hopes... so much that I thought that I had to give up.... so much that I thought that I would have to sacrifice forever.
I have taken only one gift for now.... I have gingerly received it. Gazing longingly at it.... in wonder and fear. Not feeling adequate enough to hold it, for even a moment in time.
And since then, ever since I have taken hold of it, things have started to happen.

I have begun to dream again.
Things have begun to get stirred up.
My world has begun to open up.... taken on new perspectives.... new objectives.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a voice..... I have the buried things so deep in my heart bubbling up and overflowing out into the written page.

I have been so afraid at times.
What am I doing?
"God, are you sure that this is what you want?"
Because I don't want it if you don't.

From the time as far back as I can remember I have dreamed.... imagined... and thought up fantastical stories.
Places and adventures that I could only wish to embark on.
But this is different. So different.
This is not made up stuff.
This is life. Real life. My life.

When I was twelve years old I took a trip with a friend.
Her sister was stationed in Canada as a missionary.
She lived on a boat, and I was invited to come visit.
It was my first time on an airplane without an adult accompanying me.... and I loved the independence of it all.
My friend was scared to death... and I thought she was crazy.
We were free!
Up until then I had never ventured very far... my fears keeping me captive.
But things changed on that trip. I changed.
The moment we landed I couldn't stop looking.... at everything around me.
The trees, the waterfalls we passed, the rain that was falling, the mountains and the cars.
All of it. I was taking it all in. And I was amazed at it all.
The moment I spotted the ship we were going to stay on, I couldn't contain my excitement.....
As I stepped onto the gangplank my heart began to beat out of my chest.
I remember taking in a huge deep breath of the cold Canadian air..... and letting it out in a rush.

This was it.
Every person I met, from the cook to the different missionaries serving in different capacities....
I just couldn't help staring at each one.
Sitting in on the prayer and worship meetings.
I remember so clearly looking around one night and watching.
I was in awe.
Did people REALLY do this?
Did they really get live like this? Serving God EVERY single day of their lives.... away from home, going to foreign places, helping people?

I wanted this. I knew it in an instant.
I was meant to be this.... to live like this.

Traveling has been my siren call since I was very little.
I have always had the heart of a gypsy.
Hearing others say that they wanted to stay here forever... grow up, get married, have kids, and just "be".... the thought was not appealing to me at all.
I figured I would do the "normal" life stuff "out" there..... just not so normal.
I've always wanted to run free... roam... run... and meet new people, see new things.
I have always wanted so much more.

I would have left right then.
At the tender age of twelve.
I would have left my family, friends, and everything I knew.

I am still that twelve year old today in many ways.
In me beats the heart of a foreign missionary.... a writer... a speaker.... and whatever He has hidden deep within me. Things that I don't even think I have realized yet.
And I don't know how God will do it.
I don't know how He will make it happen. Any of it. All of it.
But He is holding in His hands another one of my boxes..... and I can see the writing on the lid....

I am so afraid to take it.... when He finally holds it out to me....
Will He offer it to me?
I have been so afraid that He never will.

And so I am sitting on the edge of my seat... waiting.... hoping.... wishing beyond everything I have ever wished for.....
And when He finally holds it out to me... and takes the lid off.... revealing what is inside I will bound out of my chair.....

And Go.

I can't wait.

So with head bent low in reverence to the One I so desperately want to serve... and tears coursing down my face... I am waiting.
Trying my best to be patient.
Holding out for His timing... His way, not mine.
But I am not bereft... I am not left empty.... I have this.
I have my writing, and my voice. I have my amazing family who loves me for me... and who hopes and dreams with me.
And I have a feeling that each one goes hand in hand with each other.....
We will see... and I anticipate it with the rapid beating of my heart.

A heart that is beating after Him..... for Him.
He sees me.... even when some don't. And He sees my heart. The most important part of me.
The most important part of us all.

..... until another tomorrow.


"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and myhope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." 31:24

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18

This song keeps running through my head, reminding me why I have the burning desire to serve my God with all that I am. I hope it inspires you today to want the same. ~m.

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