Saturday, February 20, 2010
A Voice In the Desert
I have been in a desert.
For what has seemed a very long time.
I have been crying out to God... seeking Him.
Or thought I was seeking Him.
In many ways, I have. But I have learned lately, not in the most important ways.
I'm not sure how to phrase this next sentance... so I will just say it.
I have been ill.
I don't like the word sick.
Stupid I know. But there it is.
I have a "condition".
One that I hate. And I am not proud to talk about.
I hate talking about it.
I felt the Lord tell me to talk about it a few weeks ago...and I have fought Him on it.
And I have been getting worse.
My quallity of life has decreesed.
I wake up and don't know what that day will bring.
And I have allowed the fear that I have been fighting off to creep back in... and put his chains back on my wrists... and my feet... and around my neck.
Chokeing me with the strain and pressure.
I have again bought into his lies.
And I am so ashamed.
So I now find myself in this place.
This place of darkness and uncertainty.
I have fybromialgia.
The syndrome, that isn't a syndrome to so many.
I have been told that it is a figmant of my imagination... a mythical disease that doctors go to when they don't know what to tell you.
But in essence... I have been told that it doesn't exist. And it is not real.
Tell my body that.
Because living in agonizing pain every day of my life is not fun.
In fact it sucks.
In the worst way.
Imagine having the worst flue of your life... your body aching from head to toe, every muscle in your body tight and in constant spasms.
Imagine your head feeling like it weighs 1000 pounds which in turn makes your neck feel weary and tired.... all day long.
With no respite... and no rest.
Sleep is your enemy, and your waking hours seem endless.
Tell my body that this is all in my head.
Tell my spirit that I am just imaging it.
I dare you.
Becauese I will bet that you have then never felt what I feel every day. And know what I wish I didn't.
And lately, the bane of my existece has become what I hate most.
Striking when I least expect them... and with the intensity that pushes me to tears and wishing to escape from the hell that is my body. That has become my life.
But I say all of this not to share it so that you can just know it.
I share it becaue although I feel like my body is wasting away.
In this desert that is surrounding me.
I have heard a voice.
"I am going to heal you."
I heard it 8 years ago when I first found out what I had.
And I was told that I would remember that day.
I'm not sure what to say next......
My thoughts are scattered like broken shells on the sand.
The water keeps rushing in and carrying them off before I can grab them.
I am sure.
I am becoming increasingly more confident.
My lack of faith doesn't come from wanting... it comes from believing.
Have you ever wanted somthing SO badly that you would do anything to get it?
I have sought out doctors.... alternative medicine... physical therapists... diet......
And it has all failed me.
And the voice keeps saying ever so lightly... ever so gently...
"Are you done yet?"
"Because they can't help you.... only Me. Your healing is going to ONLY be found in Me."
I have talked about giving up... letting go... surrendering.
I have in many ways. But not in the ways that matter most.
I am now completely helpless. And I have been in despair.
It is in THAT moment that God came in.
"O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you."
This is not just for me.
THIS IS NOT JUST FOR ME!
He is going to do things that we have only yet heard about.
I believe with all my heart that God is going to begin to work in ways that we have only longed for but have never felt woud be possible.
And He will give us water in place of the dry and dark places.
He is going to begin to pour out in a way that even His most devoted will stand back in amazement.
"What is this that He is doing?", we will ask.
And He is going to show us.
He is going to show us just how BIG a God He really is.
Our participation is absolutely neccesary.
It is imparitive.
I don't want to miss it.
I am running after Him.
My body feels frail.... my arms are tired... my legs are aching....
BUT I WILL NOT STOP.
I WANT YOU LORD.
I WANT WHAT YOU SO DEEPLY WANT TO GIVE.
He is who He sais He is.
Whether we believe it or not!!
And He wants to show us.
He is going to show us!
I have been walking in constant worship since Wednesday.
I have kept the worship music going 24-7.
I have been praying in the spirit.
I have been doing battle.
There is an urgency in my spirit.
There is a pulling and a drawing.
"Don't miss me."
"I am coming."
"Anticipate my arrival."
He is going to visit us.
In a way that I think is going to blow our conseptions right out ot the box.
You can say no.
You can close your eyes.
You can and will do whatever it is you choose and want.
I choose to not blink.
To keep my eyes way open, and ready.
I am here Lord.
I am anticipating You.
Where are you?
Can you see me across the sand?
Can you see the tears washing down my face?
Can you see me on my knees with my arms stretched wide and my face turned high?
Becuase I am listening......I am waiting.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear the voice in your desert?
He IS speaking.
Father, help us in our unbeleif.
Forgive the sins of this land. The sins that hold us back from You.
We need You God.
More than we have ever needed you before.
You ALONE God.
I know that my voice is small.
I know that I am not big... and that I am just one.
But together, we are many.
I pray that you will begin to seek the face of God like I have.
Face down, repentant, and wanting what He alone can give.
It is time. Today is the day.
We can't wait anymore.
What are we waiting for anyway?
For someone else to come save us?
From this world, from our worries, from our sicknesses, from everything that makes us feel like we just can't make it one more step?
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
Don't wait. Don't wait.
The time is now.
A voice in the desert....
Are we going to lilsten?
.... until another tomorrow.
18 "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"
23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows." Isaiah 30:18-23