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Monday, May 10, 2010

Roller Coaster

Yesterday was Mothers Day.
This day has invoked many emotions in me throughout the years.
From joy... to anticipation.
Dread.... and sad to say it, anger and disappointment.

I wonder today, have these emotions been felt by others like me?
Of course they have, in the general sense... but in the way, or for the same reasons that I have?
I guess I would need to be less general.... and more specific about it.

I really don't want to focus on Mothers Day today at all.
It has just brought out emotions in me the last few days. Making me feel more like a woman than ever.

That even sounds funny to say it that way.
And may only be speaking to woman today. Maybe not.
Although if there are any men out there.... please take note. 

Have you ever just felt.... well.... emotional?
Like every single feeler of emotion is on the outside instead of in?
Like you could cry at any given moment? And there doesn't even need to be a good reason?
There doesn't have to be anything wrong.
You just can't help feeling. You know?

Like the rush of the wind....
Or the crashing of the sea.
The rolling of emotion that just crests and falls.

There could be a myriad of reasons.....
Pressures in your life becoming too much.
Unexpected joy.
The surge of these emotions just overwhelming every other sensory... sending you with them.
Like riding that wave.
And depending on the situation... it can either feel exhilarating.... or terrifying.

I have been on the longest emotional roller coaster over the last few years.

Up and down.... Building toward the crest and then dropping down the steepest hills.
I used to love roller coasters.

And then I became a mom.

It quickly awakened in me the knowledge that I am not invincible.
You could die on one of those things! 
I am laughing at myself right this minute.

I am pretty fearless when it comes to things like that normally.
Especially when challenged.

But if it is for no other reason than to just hop on one of those man made contraptions for the shear purpose of just riding it.....
Well.... I've changed.

Last summer my son decided that he was ready to tackle the huge monster of the very thing that he was afraid of for so long.
I should have been proud.
I should have thought at that moment...."That's my kid."
But I didn't.
Because he was begging me to go with him.
And he knew what I know..... that I wouldn't say no.
Not because I never say no to him. But he knew that I was aware of his fear... and that I would stand with him while he conquered it.
And so I went......
And I screamed the entire time.
I have to admit that my cousin had not so gently challenged me on the side.
I never turn from a challenge. 
Not always good... but sometimes it works in my favor.

I remember being shot out of the gate.
And when I say shot.... I mean shot out.
And fast.
It stole my breath and I thought... "Please God. Don't let me die on this thing!!!!"
I really did.
And then I was taken on this ride of climbing, falling, racing around corners, and ripping through curves.
I thought it would never end.
It is so silly really.
And then again.... is it?
These things really do invoke fear in some people.
Terrifying, mind numbing fear.

I really wasn't that afraid of it.
I just don't believe in taking a risk that could prove completely foolish.
I love daring things.
I love adventure.
But I hate things associated with stupidity.... or taking a risk that you could possibly die from.
Just won't do it.

But today... as I sit here.
With all these jumbling emotions rolling around much like that roller coaster, I am reminded of a few things about me. About women in general.

If there was any good solid reason at all that my son's life... or that of someone I loves life being staked on me riding that roller coaster.... I would never blink an eye.
I would never even have to think for one minute on whether or not to get on it.
And I know for a fact that I would not think what I thought while racing around on it last summer.
In fact, I know that I would get on it purposely.
With dogged determination.
I would pull down the safety bar... look at the ride operator right in the eye, and say, "Let's do this."
And I would be praying the whole time.
Not with fear... but with strength and power behind it.

Why then is life any different?
Why do I waffle so much and so often?
Why don't I walk around with the same strong determination like I would if life depended on it.
Because it does.
And I know it.

I know it as a wife. As a mom. As a daughter, and as a friend.
I don't want to be controlled by my emotion.
I don't want to function "in" them.
But it is part of who I am as a women.
Without the ability like most men to just "shut if off".
Oh, how I wish I could.

I guess today I am just rambling.... I don't really have a direction.
I feel like I am just speaking to myself.

I have mountains still to climb.
Hills steep enough to bring any one person pause.
But I don't want to climb and descend with the same fearful thought of, "Oh God. I can't do this!"
I want my cry and shout to be, "God... I need you in this. And I know with You... I will do it... whatever needs to be done."

I want to come into the station with my wind blown hair, and legs still a little shaky, with the hugest grin on my face.
With a resounding... "We did it! I did it!"

I don't know what roller coaster you are riding today...
But you're not alone.
And you can do it.
WE can do it.
All of us.

Like my pastor eluded to yesterday... which by the way was one of the most inspiring, honoring, and humbling mothers day messages I have ever heard...

Never underestimate the power of who a woman is, or what she is capable of.
The power of God in her.
The part of God's character that shines and shows itself through her.
(I am loosely paraphrasing on what my take away was)

It stuck with me all day.
It is still clinging to me today.

Because you see... it isn't about us doing it on our own.
Women power and all that.
It is about us living with the higher purpose of serving, loving, being submitted to, and honoring God with our lives.
With everything in our being. 

And it is then that those monster roller coasters don't seem so big.
When we stare at them and know that we can do it.
Face what we hate.
And do what we know what we couldn't do if we didn't go with Him.

Will you take the ride with me?
Climb in... and buckle up?

And if you hear me screaming at the top of my lungs....
I hope that what you hear makes you want to shout it out with me...

"We CAN do ALL things through Christ that gives us strength.... We are doing it!"

Praise God today.
Right in the middle of your roller coaster.
You might just get a chance to glance over next to you... and notice that He has been sitting right there the whole time.

God bless you today....

... until another tomorrow.


"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this iimpossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13

1 comment:

  1. I love this! I think it rings true to many of our hearts! Yesterday, my highlight was church! Love you!