Looking Out...

It feels as though I have been in this hole... in this place of coming in and out... poking my head out just to see if it is safe enough yet.
I guess that is when I come here. To release a little... to say what I feel needs to be said.
And then I retreat back into my hole. Where I feel safe.
But it's really not.
Because even there I have felt the intensity of the battle.
The heat of the scourge.
During a particularly rough week, where it would seem that nothing is going right.... I thought about here... My seemingly safe place to be who I am... to be me.
Where if your going to judge me... you probably won't tell me.
Where if you hate me.... you'll just log out.
Where if you see things differently than I do... you may just shake your head slowly.

Sometimes.... sometimes... I just wish "in real life" could work that way.
I might hurt less... and move more.
I might not go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and wish that everything would just go away... for just a little while at least....
I am struggling with the reality of how life works sometimes, and how I wish it would go.

Where truth reigns... and opinions don't really matter.
Where love overrides everything... and judgements hold less weight than the air were breathing.
Where forgivness is just... and our justice doesn't complicate everything.
Where loving God and pleasing Him holds more importance than getting even... and getting our own way.
I just wish....

And ofcourse, in the midst of my "wishing".... I know. I know more than ever.
He is changing me.
He is changing us.
Not wanting us to stay where we are... and not leaving us the way that we have always been.
Understanding that He loves us that way.... but is unwilling to allow us to stay the way that we have felt most comfortable with.
Because chances are... like me... it isn't who we are meant to be. Not yet.
And as we resist... tug and pull... the strain becomes heavier... and the feeling of weighted heaviness increases.
I have had to shake off my emotions a lot this week.
I've had to beg Him to take what I am trying so hard to surrender.

We can't change poeple... Oh how I wish we could sometimes...
We can't even really change ourselves.
But He can.
I just wish His time table was the same as mine.
I realize that if it was... my time would have run out by now.

Today...
Today I am thankful for the little things.
Sometimes they are all that we have to hold onto.
I am not despondant... but I am still desperate.
I am not hopeless... but I am still holding out.
I am not wanting... but I am still left wanting more.

Today I am thankful that He is still on the throne.
I am thankful that He is more than able to handle the things that have been thrown right in front of me.
Even the things I don't want to pick up... but are mine.

If you are in as much need of His grace today as I am..... hold on. Your not alone.
He is ever present in the midst of our every moment.
"Real Life" happens.
And I am so thankful that my Real God is able to handle all of it.

So even as I poke my head out for just a moment... to peek out on what I am being faced with every single day these days...
I am not missing the cool breeze that refreshes me... the blue sky... and the puffy white clouds that He has graced my day with today.
Knowing that tomorrow when I face the storms that are raging over me... that He IS the God of the blue sky's... of the cool breezes... the deep breaths... with the mercy to carry me through one more day.

I am holding tighter to Him than I have ever held on before.... tighter than I thought possible.


....until another tomorrow.

~m.


"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
 he protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken." Psalm 34:18-20 NIV (Although I love the message version of this as well)


The song that I am feeling in the depths of my heart right now.....