Here I am.
I have not been lost.
In fact... I have been trying to be found.
Not by what I have been found by in the past.
Not by my circumstances.
Not by my menial attitude about life.
Not by my conscious and unconscious thought processes.
Not by my mistakes.
Not by my accomplishments.
Not by my family.
Not by my friends.
Not by anyone.
But by God.
I have been trying to shrug off all that has defined me before.
What I have labeled and tried to make sense of for most of my life.
I have been trying to lose me... so that I can be found and defined by Him.
To be who I am supposed to be.
And to walk as who I am meant to be.
Not by my definitions of who I think I am. Or even want to be.
But by God alone.
By who He says I am.
Who He wants me to be.
And I have found that the only way to find out any of that, is by seeking Him out.
Where nothing else matters.
Where only His voice... His Words... and His perspective hold the most weight.
Where opinions and perceptions don't find their way into my heart.
Where the things of my past can't creep up and take a bite out of the restoration that He and I have been fighting together for for so long.
Where I can be weak... crippled... and less. So that He can be more.
Where the worry... the anxiety can't pull at my direction and thoughts.
Where I begin to fade away... and He begins to become bigger than the self in me.
I have been trying my best to fight for the things worth fighting for...
And finding myself standing there... seeing my frailty and faults more glaringly than ever.
More than ever....
In the midst of this... of all of this... I continue to hear the whisper of my Savior....
Over and over....
Like water lapping over the sand....
"Come after Me... Come find Me"
So I have been "finding".
Not in the conventional ways.
Okay... maybe some.
But in the way...
That I stare out my kitchen window and just think.... and pray.
I put all that I feel dirty about. The stuff that I let muck up my life.
And I begin to release to Him all that has collected and crusted all over me.
My life, and how I know that it has effected those around me that I love.
My words and actions and how I know that they have impacted and hurt.
As I submerge my hands into the steaming water and let the soap begin to clean off all that doesn't want to come unstuck... I allow His grace and mercy... His love and forgiveness begin to rinse away all of me that isn't all of Him in me.
While I stand in church... I have allowed myself to be more honest than ever. To worship when it feels like I am having to rip it out of me. Not because He doesn't deserve it... but because I feel so undeserving of Him.
When I am driving in my car... letting my conversations with Him flow. The good and the bad. The pretty and the not so pretty. And letting Him converse back with me. I am listening more and talking less. Praying in the spirit and not trying to form the words that I can't even find no matter how hard I try.
I am finding myself finding Him in the mundane.
As I put away my clothes and make my bed and do the daily life stuff that has to get done, I begin to thank Him for all of it... all of those things that I take for granted every day.
The things that I have so much of, knowing that someone... so many... don't have a fraction of any of it.
And I pray for them.
And as I pray for them. The lost, the broken, the hurting, the poor.... I find what I have to be thankful for. I find His gifts. To me... and to those that I love.
And it is so much more than the monetary.
I find my desire to not just pray for the invisible... but it has reignited my passion to be able to go and see.
To find them.
To lay my hands on those out of my reach at the moment.
To feel their pain.
To see their hearts.
To look into their eyes
I have begun to allow myself to feel the burning that has welled up inside me for so long to burst into flames again.
I want to go.
In my search for more of Him....
I am finding me.
Not to just live my life for who I think I want to be, or who anyone else thinks I should be.
But to live my life for Him.
Without reservations and contingencies.
I want to be a front runner... and I am tired of running from behind.
I want what He wants.
I still want more.
So much more.
But I am learning that as I continue to seek... and want... and desire... that I have to also learn that leaning on Him means waiting for Him too.
To be satisfied with the little as well.
What He has placed in front of me right now.
I think it's important.
I know that if I miss this... that I could potentially lose all of it.
All that He has for me in the making... in the coming... and in the very near future.
And I don't want to miss any of it. And of this.
To know that I am created for more... but also knowing that He has the days and times in His hands.
I know I'll go.
I KNOW I'LL GO.
I don't know how.
I don't know when.
And I can't wait until that day comes.
To do what my very being is crying out to do.
To be able to let my restless heart run free.
I can't wait to write to you from a foreign place.
To speak the words that have only rumbled inside of the pit of who I am.
To speak for those who don't have a voice. Or who do... but don't know how.
I can't wait to see with my own eyes a people and places that have only haunted my sweetest dreams.
To sit in the desert plains with only a pencil and note pad as my only recourse.
To step and walk alongside those that I have never met before.
I can't wait.
I can't wait.
But while I do....
I am continuing to seek Him out.
To find Him.
To sit at His feet... to bask in His presence.
Because I know... I sense more than anything... That it is there....
Like no where else that I can ever go in the world....
that i am found.
...until another tomorrow.
16 "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18