Friday, April 16, 2010
I can't believe it is April....
I can't believe that it has been so long since I have sat down here to write.
I have come and gone....
Gone back and forth....
I have seen and been shown things that I don't know if even I could put and express in words.
I have been storm tossed and weathered.
I have been tested and tried... finding that at the end of the fight I end up where I should be anyway....
On my knees... with my face to the floor... in surrendered and complete submission to the Only one worthy of such praise... of such complete worship.
NO one else deserves this. NO one else. And nothing else compares to it.
I have been stripped of it all.....
My being and wanting to be the one who calls it all. Who chooses.
I have willingly given up these rights.
I have willingly given in to being helpless and broken.
And I have never felt more free.
I have never felt so released to move in Him.... to walk in step with His....
I have never felt so much in all my life.
It has come at a high price.
It would be great... so wonderful to say that life is perfect.... without burden or hurt.
Free from pain.
Free from the crashing and storming... this storm that has been raging around my family for so long..... years really.
But it's not.
If you can picture it..... come with me for just a moment....
The wood beneath me is cold. Damp. Hard.
But the foundation beneath me is familiar.
I have been here for so long.
This ship... this boat.... it has been my place of dwelling and transport for such a long time.
It is familiar.
I have gotten used to the wind.... to the sound of the howling that it makes as it attempts to take down my sails... to rip me from my anchor.
I have become accustomed to the lashing rain... to the wet on my cheeks. Not sure if the source is from the elements or from my own body responding to the tearing that has been going on in and around me.
My face has most often been cast down... trying to weather it all.... but lately, in the past few months, I have felt a peace in the midst of our storm.
Patches of sunlight.... glimmers of sky beyond the clouds that seem to hover. Disappearing now and then... peeking through at the most black of moments.....
My eyes have been raised. Waiting. Looking up.... anticipating those glimpses most often these days..... just anticipating.
Nothing has changed.
My feet are still planted.... the feel of the wet wood sinking in....
The ship continues to creak and groan... We continue to sway and move with the movement of this place that we have been destined to be at this moment in time. Detained.
All around me I can hear it....
The sound that is beginning to grow.....
To lift higher than the storm around me....
The sound of the redeemed.
The voice of those that have seen what I am seeing... are experiencing what I and my family are experiencing... this storm is not ours alone.... we are not alone.
God is faithful.....
GOD is faithful....
GOD IS FAITHFUL....
I couldn't hear it before.
I was too caught up with noticing where I was at... and not with where He is taking me.... my husband... my family.
But now...... now I can hear it.....
And in the midst of my pain... in the midst of the questions that seem to have no answers... or ones that I am happy with or like....
The melody.... the sounds of the broken... and the ones who have sailed with me.
They are not far off....
I can see them in their own ships....
Across the water.... across the waves.
I know their stories... I have visited their storms... and have felt the lashings on their own lives.
What I see brings me hope....
What I feel when our eyes meet brings my heart joy.... we know.
It has taken so long.
It has been such a long time.....
We are here Lord.
We are ready... we are anxious for your presence.
We are longing for Your touch... for Your hand to reach out... our hands are here ready to grab onto Yours.
We are tired and we are worn.... but we are resolute.
We are resolute.
And we will wait... for as long as it takes.
For You to come.... and our hope God... is that You will find us faithful... that You will find us steadfast...
For You alone Lord do we live and breathe and have our being......
For You alone.
FOR YOU ALONE.
FOR YOU ALONE ARE WORTHY.... OF IT ALL.
.... OF IT ALL.
I love you Lord.
My feet will stay planted... they will stay firm... until I see you Lord.
Until I see You.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar." Psalm 51:10-19