Melting Down

Have you ever had a melt down?

I mean a real... just shut all the windows and doors, and don't talk to me kind of melt down?

The kind when nothing looks good, feels good, or for that matter that you could even think is good at that moment?

Obviously....... I have.

And did.

Just a few days ago.

I have been ashamed of myself ever since.

Not because it's not okay to have emotions... or feel them.

But to what I refer is different.

It is a losing of hope, feeling like you are alone.... and forgotten.

And I know. I know VERY well that I am not.

Alone or without hope.

But that day.... I did forget.

I let "circumstances" dictate my emotions.

I allowed one hit after another, and the lies that I know are lies, wound and fester.

Are we "allowed" to wallow?

Are we supposed to have a bad day when we know the truth? 

When we know who we are, and Who we belong to?

My no good, very bad day has made me ponder this and more the past few days.

For the last few years I have been praying this prayer....

"Lord, help me not to be like the children of Israel in the old testament. Help me to not forget Your faithfulness. Your miracles. And who I am in You. I want to remain faithful to You. True."

And even then... even though this has been my heart for so long....

I still forgot.

The excuse of, "I'm just and only human....." has never flown with me.

I have always thought of it as a huge cop out.

A reason to be and act in a wrong way. To allow ourselves to be human. 

Fleshy.

And ultimately sinful.

I sound harsh don't I?

I have been accused of being undoubtedly hard on myself.

But in my fear of not wanting to fail. Not wanting to fail my Heavenly Father. I have always tried to hold myself to a higher standard.

When I have failed. And let me tell you, I have failed big time. In huge ways.

I beat myself up. Not literally of course. But in the worst way.

In the way that I allow the enemy access to my thought processes, and help him along a bit.

And because of this wrong thinking, I go so far as to believe the lie that He will want nothing to do with me anymore.

That I have been rendered useless.

Unworthy.

And unwanted.

All His promises no longer applicable to me.

All His plans, and hopes lost.

That He has once and for all thrown His hands in the air and said, "Forget it. I'm done with her."

Why do I, do we, forget that when His Word says that nothing can separate us from the love of God, that He means NOTHING.

Absolutely nothing.

Not my shame.

Not my fear.

Not my worst mistakes on the worst day.

Not my bad choices.

Not my sickness.

Not my mistaken misconceptions.

Not my dirtiness.

Nor my ugliness.

And certainly not my melt downs.

Nothing.

He keeps loving me.

Pursuing me.

Speaking to my heart.

Drawing me.

Wanting relationship with me.... and never ever thinking me for one minute a failure.

A joke.

Unworthy.

Or unwanted.

On our worst day.

On my very worst day.

When I crawled into my bed, pulled the covers over my head and lay there numb, unable to even let the tears fall.....

He was close by.

When I felt like I couldn't do this one more minute.....

He was waiting for me to stop long enough... so He could speak the truth that He has spoken to my heart for my entire life.

As I attempted to sit up with my head hung low on my chest and my eyes heavy and closed....

His hands lay close by, just in case I wanted to reach for them.

But I didn't. Not at first.

I didn't feel for Him.

I didn't listen for His voice.

I didn't reach out.....

I was upset.

I was hurt.

I felt pressured, stressed, and heavy.

The weight of life bearing on my shoulders.

He never asked me to carry it.

Not a little or any of it.

He has only asked me to trust and believe Him.

And I do.

I really do.

But what I forgot to do that day when everything seemed to go bad... was rely on Him.

Lean into him when someone I love let me down.

When I didn't get the answers I wanted. 

Reminded of the rejection of someone I thought would always be there in my life, and has chosen not to be. 

When the hurt began to crowd out any good sense I may have had left that day.... and even a few days after that.

I chose to rely on myself instead.

To try and reason, make sense of, and figure out why so many bad things were going wrong that day.

And then choosing to beat myself up for it.

Tell myself all the things I know are not true.

Becoming angry and upset with the knowing that I was wrong.

Had chosen wrong.

Ultimately..... I know that He only lets me go on that way for so long.

He let me go on longer than usual.

I think He may have been waiting.

Waiting for me to get it.

To see.

And to understand what was going on.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

This is Christian 101 for me.

I've been a Christian for most of my life.

I know this.

So why did I so easily forget it during a bad moment?

A moment that turned into moments throughout the day as I gave in to each and every one?

Why did I so quickly forget all that God has been doing in my life? And in the lives of people close to me and that I love?

Why?

"As a father has compassion on his children,
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
 for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust."  Psalm 103:13-14


Even though I should have remembered.... He didn't forget.
Even thought I should have quickly identified who the real enemy was.... He was standing ready to equip me with what I would need to fight him.
Even when I wallowed in my self pity and misery.... He was lovingly gazing at me, waiting for me to understand that nothing was what it seemed to be at those moments.


This is why I have been ashamed of myself.


I thought that I had come farther than this.
I thought that I had grown up enough to know better. To not fall into that trap again.
I said and thought a lot of things that day that I should not have. 
And  He has held none of it against me. Even now as I sit here and write this for you.


Do you understand this kind of mercy?
This kind of love?
Because I am trying so desperately hard to grasp it for myself.


This situation has taught me that once again.... even in my unfaithful responses... He still remains faithful.
Even in my most unlovable state.... He loves me.


He doesn't turn His back for one minute.
He may get disappointed. Hurt. And maybe even upset with me.
But never ever ever does He stop loving me.
And NEVER will He give up on me.


And He won't ever give up on you either.


Ever.


This is a promise that you can hold Him to.
His Word says it.
And it is the truth.


"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. ²⁸I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. ²⁹My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." John 10:27-29

Once you belong to Him.

Once you surrender your life over to His capable and generous hands.

Nothing can separate you.

Nothing can take you from Him.

Not even the lies that you tell yourself.

He is your Father.

And He loves you.

Whether you want it or not.

He always has.

And He always will.

He always will.....

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ"  2 Corinthians 10:3-5

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39