Has God ever told you something?
A truth to hold onto?
Were you so sure in that moment that nothing could sway you? Move you? Or convince you otherwise?
But then time slowly moves on.
It begins to erode on that particular word or promise.
Did you hear right?
Was it really God?
What could it have meant?
Maybe it didn't really mean anything at all...
I know how it feels.
To doubt... to wonder... to question and sit with the tears running down my face....
"Did I hear you God? Did I hear you right? Or did I not hear from You at all?"
I want to be sure. I need to be reassured.
I have been sick for a very long time.
I don't like using that word sick, but I am unsure as to what term to utilize in this case.
I look back and can remember feeling healthy.
But then it has also seemed like forever that I felt like this...
Waking up with pain wracking every fiber of my body.
Headaches so intense that I have wanted to rip out every single hair on my head with the pain of it.
Having to stop life because I have to let my body get itself back together again.
Waking up to walk on feet that feel like they have bruises on the most tender of places.
My vision has been weakened, my fingertips have ached like I have been working them for days.
So many mornings that I have rolled out of bed unable to stand upright, the muscles cramping, weak, and bunched up like huge baseballs, hurting in ways that I can't put into words.
Not being able to eat foods that I love. And not because I don't want to eat them... but because I can't because my body doesn't process them like everyone else's.
The unexpected pains with no real explanations, reason, or rhyme... the only thing I know is that it stops me, it keeps me from "being".
I have hated it for so long.
I have wept and wept over the unexplained... and I have wanted to ask why... But I haven't spoken it out loud, I have just thought it.
It all hurts.
So much in life is not fair.
So many things that bring pain into our very lives, and touches us in ways that makes me want to scream out at it....
"I hate you.... I HATE YOU!"
I have felt so alone... so lost so many times during this season in my life.
My family, my friends, those close to me... they don't get it.
They try to sympathize. But I don't really tell them much.
I try to hide it as well as you can hide what I deal with day in and day out.
I don't want them feeling sorry for me.
I don't want any one's pity.
I just want it all to go away.
I want to be normal.
Whatever that is.
I don't want this thing that makes them look at me with concern, or worry, or even speculation or doubt.
It's been like wandering in a desert.
My mouth filled with dust.
So thirsty... needing... wanting. Dry and hot with no end in sight.
Confusion as to where to wander to or go next.
I don't like feeling like I can't cry one more time... not wanting to.
Sometimes... sometimes I am able to refuse to let it get the best of me.
I think the hardest thing really is that no one around me really understands... really knows.
That is up until a few years ago.
First my oldest daughter and then my youngest learned first hand what I live with... they finally understood.
And It didn't bring me comfort to have them get it.
It broke my in ways that I didn't think I could brake.
Okay me....... but them too?!
I can't explain it to anyone who isn't a parent. The complete extreme pain of watching your child hurt like that..... suffer.
Watching them go through what has been my reality for so long. The pain, confusion, and isolation.
There have been moments I have beat my chest, literally, with the deep hurt... blaming myself, my genes, my weaknesses and incapability's for theirs.
In one of those moments, one of the worst, on the day my youngest daughter was diagnosed, I lay in my bed spent from the crying, the weeping.
My oldest was in another place. Another land. Far away, and unable for me to touch her... sick and in need.
It is then that I heard it...I heard Him whisper to me....
"I know..... I know."
"And it is not your fault... because of your wrong choices, your sin, or any other thing you can conjure up in that head of yours."
"I am here."
He has comforted me many times before, said it a million different ways... but this time was different.
This was an encounter that I had allowed myself to feel... really feel.
I was raw and very broken.
Just me and Him.
Being real together.
All the promises He had and has given me washing over me. One after the other.
Words spoken and confirmed, re-confirmed over and over.
Do you get that?
I need to pause here.
God doesn't have to confirm a word for us... reassure us... or repeat Himself.
He shouldn't have to.
But He did, and He does over and over again when we forget.
Because He loves us so very much.
More than the deep profound love that I have for my own children.
I had a choice that moment, and every day since...
Even though I don't understand it... or the timing of it all...
Am I going to believe Him?
Am I going to trust Him?
Am I going to be confident in what He has spoken?
Am I going to be sure?
I have to drag myself up.
My enemy has tried his level best to confound me... cause me to doubt my God and WHO He is.
But over and over in the last year especially, He has been speaking... in me and through the words of others....
"I am God."
"There is nothing too hard for me. Nothing impossible for me to handle."
"You are mere man, can you contain it? Fathom it? Who I really am?"
"Yes, you are weak, yes you are unable... and yes I know who you are and what you need."
"I am able."
"I am all that you need."
"I am bigger than you think...."
"I AM.... Powerful. Mighty. I AM GOD."
I don't get it.
I may never get it.
But this I am learning and gaining perspective on....
If He said it, it will be done.
If He wants it for me, I will have it.
I am going to be healed in this life time.... my children are going to be healed too.
He has said it. Confirmed it.
He has spoken it over us.
It doesn't mean that we always get what we want. But it does mean that If He has willed it to happen, I can bank on it.
And I am going to stand on it until I see it with my own eyes because I know WHO my God is.
I can't be sure about much. About me, who I am, what I can do on my own or anyone else's abilities.
But I can be sure about one thing...
I can be sure that God is who He says He is....
Able to handle anything that I face.
Not alone.... but standing on Him and His promises, personally and throughout scripture.....
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16
"Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus,
by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh,
and since we have a great priest over the house of God,
let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;"
"Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised." Hebrews 10:35,36
.... until another tomorrow.