It has been a few days now......
Five to be exact since we put our oldest child on a plain bound for parts unknown..... and a life that has the greatest potential for God to do the most amazing things.
The first few days were the hardest.
The missing and gut wrenching hurting that came and hit me unexpectedly.
And then there was the unexpected things that seemed to hit all of us..... like a wave.
My daughters living arrangements.... not being what we thought they were going to be, and not being what my husband or I were expecting for her.
The particulars and the practical. Things you don't give much thought to when you are used to providing them on a regular basis....... from home and not from across the globe.
And then there is the enemy.... always creeping. Always trying to find the smallest crack and opportunity to bring discouragement and discord.
But we are on to him..... and we have been prayerful.
My own emotions have seemed to have settled a bit.
I still miss my sweet daughters face as she enters my kitchen every morning accompanied by a hug and a, "Good morning mommy.", in her sweet voice reserved for me.
I still miss our late night talks with her laying across my bed, usually ending with my eyes slowly drifting closed.
I miss walking into her room and seeing her there reading her favorite book, or laying peacefully napping during one of her favorite past times.... sleep. And envying her for it.
I miss hearing her and her sister giggle from another room. Sharing in their secret making and heart sharing........
I miss so many things so much.
But I am learning to be happy..... in a very different way.
I am happy when I get to talk to her every day.
I love that she wants to see us as much as we want to see her.
My heart fills up with joy when she begins to share the particulars of her new life and the adventures that she is already partaking of.
I love more than anything the people that have already adopted her into their hearts. Showering her with love and feeling protective over her in a way that only speaks of God's hand in the whole thing altogether......
I love all of this.
And although I still have my moments..... and there has been wave after wave of the missing her so much......
I am reveling in the wake of it all.
The calming foamy water that washes up after the waves crash down.
The feeling of peace that God has graciously covered me in, overflowing and bubbling out.
Calming with it's rhythmic motion.
I am aware more than ever that I am an observer for now.
I get the privilege to watch her grow..... expand her wings.... and test her heights.
I get to participate in the joys.... and even the hurts even though we are far away.
The connection that we have.... the deep seeded heart connection, makes us feel just as close as if she were sitting right in front of me.
I am so thankful.
For the advancement of technology that makes our tenuous communication possible.
It has made this separation and letting go process a little easier.......
Day by day. And hour by hour.
Oh, I still miss her........
But we are both settling in.
Getting comfortable with this new life and season that God has brought us all to.
And like the changing of seasons I am trying my best to enjoy them........ every moment.
And not just my daughter's but the precious ones still right in front of me.....
Like the colors of fall.... vivid in their varying hews, and brilliant in the miracles that they represent.
The reds.... oranges.... browns.... and fading greens.
I feel as though I am standing under the most magnificent tree.
Sheltered and covered in it's beauty.
Silent and anticipating the whispering of the wind through it's branches.
All I can do is gaze...... take a deep breath in.... and out.
Feeling the surrounding of so much love.... and so many prayers.
Closing my eyes and turning my face upward.... capturing the sensation that comes with breathing deeply.
He is my covering. Mine and my families.
And I am beginning to allow myself to trust Him with that.....
Settling into it.... slowly......
But with the assurances I need so much every step of the way.
He is a good God.
A faithful God.
A good Father.
And right now...... I feel so loved.......
His branches all encompassing....... no matter where we are.
..... until another tomorrow.
"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." Psalm 52:8