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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Steps From Yesterday.......

Where do I go from here.....?
From where I have been that seems like so long ago.... and like yesterday all at the same time?
Steps forward.... or steps back?

When I close my eyes I can see so much.
I try and block it.... but it is there.
Time has softened the blow a bit.... but it is still present.

God has woven so much into my life.
From the moments of profound hurt..... to so many days of grace that I can not count them accurately.

For so long I was so hurt with Him.
For allowing the pain.... the abuse.... the hurt so deep that I wanted to die at times.
Why would we He do it? Why would He allow so much pain into one persons life?
I don't know......
And at times this question has caused me so much confusion that I have just crawled into my bed.... curled up in a ball, and wept.

I want to offer something....

A morsel of hope and truth.
I want to be more than just a past full of tragedy.
I want to be hope.
I want to offer the love that only comes from the One who loves me so much that He has gently begun to show me what He has felt as I've walked the rocky roads of my life.
An intimate look at the heart of my Father.
This is what He has been at work on for the past few years..... in my life..... and in my heart.

I didn't have a family who didn't care.
They have always loved me very much.
I want to make that clear.
I know that others can not stake a claim to that fact..... but I can.
It doesn't mean that any of us is perfect.
And unfortunately because of the wars of the flesh.... I suffered.

After my mom and dad's divorce I retreated into a place so far into myself that at times even now I have a hard time recollecting what happened when.
I have snap shots of memory...... postmarks of events.

My dad left my mom and I immediately following the birth of my little brother.
My brother almost died.... and my mom went into such a deep depression and fell deathly ill that it threatened my only secure anchor.

I remember visiting my mom.
She looked so sick.... and so sad.
I went back and forth between my grandmas and aunts.
I don't remember a whole lot about those moments.
I just remember the tangible feeling of utter fear.
An enemy that to this day has tried and fought hard to capture me.

My dad was gone.

I was abandoned and lost.

I used to cry... a lot.
But by myself.
I knew that I couldn't let my mommy see the tears.
She was already so sad.
I used to gaze at my brother after they finally brought him home..... just stare.
I felt this pull to protect..... to save.
To be there for him.... and not let go.
It created a bond that we share to this day.
Deeper than most brother / sister relationships.
People have told me that they envy our ability to be there for each other no matter what... no matter how angry we get.... or how disappointed when we have failed the other.
I made a promise....
And I stand by it to this day.
But no one knows the pain that caused the relationship we share.
No one has ever really dug that deep.....
Because I have only allowed what I have wanted to be seen.

Until now.

My dad dated off and on after the divorce. He eventually ended up with the woman that helped rip our family apart.
I have often wondered how you can be okay with that.
With the knowing that you have destroyed some ones life and existence?
How you can face your reflection every day in the mirror...... I guess some people just do.
But deep down I have learned that not even they... who pretend to be okay with it, ever really are.
It changes and impacts you.
For the victim, it either destroys you and makes you into something you were never meant to be.... or it builds you up into the person who can overcome anything thrown your way.
For the other..... the offender.... well, I guess the possibilities are endless.
I know my father has lived with the guilt and pain of knowing what he did and what his choices caused that it kept him entangled and robbed for so much of his life.....
Until the day he let Jesus rescue him.

But I am jumping ahead.....

No matter how much time has passed and no matter how long the scars have been visible, I am amazed at the minds ability to bring forth that which happened so long ago.
Although it may not seem so right now, I am thankful for the scars.
They remind me of where I was.... where I have been.... and where I am headed.

Those days of long ago are a reminder to me now.
Yes.... not a reminder of all things good.... but intwined in the pain are moments of profound joy.
This is where my Heavenly Father was.
And although so many of those moments were the dreaming of a small child.... I know now that they were His gift to me.
I am today deeply touched and moved by that love.
It has begun to open up parts of me that I slammed closed so long ago.

I feel as though sunlight has begun to shine in on the dusty and forgotten rooms of my heart.

So much to clean up..... and so much to rediscover.
I feel so young when I step into these rooms..... just three years old.

And my heart has begun to remember.......

..... until another tomorrow.


"The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying,
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."

Jeremiah 31:3


  1. It brings me such joy to know that there is a happy ending to the your story....and so many more happy beginnings that have yet to be seen. I love you, Mom. Don't ever stop sharing your story, because you are the only one qualified to tell it and so many people need to hear it. :)

  2. Emmy..... thank you. Your words of love mean more to me than all the gold in the world..... more precious than the rarest jewels.
    I am blessed..... Beyond words. My greatest gifts that I have been given are the four people I am honored to call my family.
    I love you. ~mom