Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I stay in my head too much. Way too much.
I'm constantly thinking and throwing things around. It's gets me into trouble... a lot!
Not the literal kind... but in the way that I doubt and worry. I get agitated and frustrated.
And pretty soon it begins to leak out into other areas in my life. I start to take it out on my husband. Especially when he isn't the help I want him to be. I mean come on... isn't he supposed to want to "fix" stuff?
He didn't come with that attachment... and last night I realized that it's probably better off for me that he didn't.
Side note: .... my husband is a great fixer of "things" don't get me wrong, but he doesn't ever really feel like he has this great need to have all the answers all the time, and usually wants greatly for me to just relax and go with the flow much like he does.
Well.... I'm not like that.
I can't suppose that I ever will be.
But I'm learning... and after I ranted and raved to him about how I was unsure about a particular situation I didn't know how to handle. A situation that was driving me crazy to think about, I kept asking myself, "Had I come across wrong?", and "Had I been misinterpreted, or just misunderstood?"
He asked me the simple things first... questions like, "Do you feel like you did something wrong?" and "Look if you think you need to change something, then just do it. Don't worry about it."
Can you maybe see how I might have been a little frustrated with this response?
Especially after I pretty much told him that I wanted him to help me fix it.... and he just blank stared at me... and then the next time I glanced over at him.... he was asleep!
Ugh! I can't tell you what went through my head at that particular moment!
Needless to say....
And I had no plans of sharing that particular part of my story at all.... and isn't God funny about that one?
But with my Bible open in my lap, pen and paper in my hands, I could almost hear God chuckle.
Yeah... I said chuckle.
And although I can't know for sure, I like to think that He probably chooses to see those moments of my extreme aggravation and acting like a baby as humorous. To be completely honest.... when I think on it now, it probably was a little. Because He knows what I should be doing... and thankfully He is long on patience with me.
That might account for my husbands blank stare and avoidance. He's learned. He knows better. Run fast... and don't look back. Maybe she'll wear herself out before I need to qualify those statements and make it worse.
So with my Bible open on my lap, I heard Him say, "You didn't ask Me."
If I could describe to you the huge thud that I felt and audibly heard in my heart, I would. But I wouldn't do it justice.
I should know.
Why do I run to man... even my man, though he's a good one... when I should be first running to my Heavenly Father?
Why do I belabor the so called facts, running them over and over again in my head only causing doubt and confusion feeling like the hamster that lives in my daughters room?
Round and round.... faster and faster.... getting absolutely.... nowhere.
I started getting frantic. Probably the wheels in my head looking a lot like that tiny, albeit cute, little rodent that runs aimlessly on his own wheel every night.
It's frustrating when you are tossing about, wondering, feeling helpless, and ultimately fearful as to what you "could have" done better, what you "should have" said different.
I live here a lot.
A lot a lot.
I mean, I know I shouldn't. But it is definitely the innate humanness in me.
I say I don't care... and I really don't want to sometimes. But then... I just do. And then.... I just fall apart at the seams, feeling like a million shattered pieces.
I am so glad that God is so good at picking up the broken and despondent parts of me.
I am so thankful that He is readily available for me when I finally turn around to him, with the frustration etched all over my face, tears running down my cheeks, and my empty hands held out at my sides.....
"What do I do?", I ask Him.
"What do You want from me in this one?"
"I'm trying to do what You've asked.... I've been racking my brain if any of it is even right at all!"
These are just some of the things I brought out to Him last night when I finally did what I should have in the first place.
Before I drove my husband to his blessed sleep filled oblivion.
Yeah... I got the short end on the side of the learning curve. Please don't judge me on that one.
But as I sat there looking, and trying to thumb through my well worn pages, I came across this..... and I smiled. And maybe I even cried a little.....
8 "My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
9 Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.
11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:8-14
I fell asleep with my Bible next to me last night. Clutching onto it with my finger tips.
Why am I so dense sometimes?
Why does it take me so long to catch on? Even when I know better and have caught on before?
Even knowing better, I realize that I forget far more often then remembering what I should.
Does this ever get frustrating for you?
I wish that I could just hang on somehow better than I do.
Be better than I am.
But as I sit here, knowing that I am supposed to share this little part of some of my big downfalls, I am so cognisant of who I am and where I am supposed to be.
It's funny really....
That same guy, the one who fell asleep next to me last night in my great moment of need (smile inserted here), I am recalling something he asked me. Something actually that he wrote in my little blue notebook that goes with me everywhere....
"Why do we trade God's best for what we think is good?"
C.S. Lewis would say, "trade Leah for Rachel".
I found it one day while attempting to write something down.
I just stopped when I recognized his chicken scratch writing.
His first message to me above the latter was sweet. He wanted to encourage me to keep writing.
Maybe I'll share about that one at a later time.....
But as for the question that he ended that note on.... it has had me thinking ever since.
He even asked me to write about it if I wanted to.
It seems most fitting to do so today.
I was doing just that....
Trading in the wisdom of man for the wisdom of God.
Leah for Rachel.
Why do we do that?
Man can't fix anything.... not really. At least not in the ways that we are needing it most.
And left on our own we will almost always come up with feeble fill ins and counterfeits for anything that can try and imitate the authenticity of the wisdom of God.
I realize today, like so many days before this, that if I really want the answers that I am seeking and seeming so desperate to know, that I can only go to the One who knows it all anyway. The in and out of any given situation.
And although I can't possibly know the true heart of any other man... He does.
And because He sees it all, I can trust Him with it.
I can trust Him to work it out.
To rally on my behalf.
To correct me in any wrong that I may have done or absolve me from any unnecessary guilt that I may be feeling as a result of it.
If I am willing.
If I really want the right solutions and answers to my situations.
I may or I may not be absolved of any guilt... I may or may not see a way through to a solution and resolution.
Or I may have to wait a while longer to know... to see it worked out.
But I can rest in knowing that HE knows and that He cares. I can take comfort in the knowing that He will work everything out for my good.
As long as I want it. As long as I seek Him out.
I feel as though I am repeating myself a bit... but I think it bears repeating. At least for me, I know I need the reminders... often.
Not trading Leah for Rachel. But allowing Him to be my ultimate source for anything that brings burden to my mind and weighs heavy on my heart.
He is faithful.
I've said it before. I'll say it a thousand times more.
He is faithful.
And I though I screw it up so often, I know that He is so much more worthy to be running to when I am feeling perplexed and overwhelmed.
I, as a child of God, know that that won't always mean things going my way, the way I want them to go.
Ultimately though, it will be for my best.
Because He always has us in mind. His love for us never failing.
And for me... those thoughts alone cause me to begin to relax my hold from whatever it is I am holding so tightly onto.
The letting go isn't easy. I know that very well... but as I allow Him to gently pry my knuckle tight grip off, I am able to see things a little clearer... feel that tightness in my chest begin to release... and I can start to feel my breaths begin to seep back to a normal pattern of breathing.
What was so off before begins to come back into symmetry....
It all begins to feel better.
I hadn't planned on writing today... I didn't think I would have anything worth sharing with you today...
But I hope I was wrong.
And I am so beyond glad that He isn't wrong ever, about anything.
Especially when I need Him the most. When I need Him at all. For everything.
I pray that you have a blessed day...
I pray that in any frantic moment that you may face today or in the days to come that you won't make my mistake....
I pray that you will run fast... and run hard... right into the arms of your Father who loves you best. Who loves you more. And who will always answer when you call.
... until another tomorrow.
"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message Bible
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28