Monday, October 4, 2010
It's been said that I am a little different.
It's funny to me really, because I have felt this way for most of my life.
I used to think that different was bad.
And I just want to clarify that in referring to "different" I do not mean anything that pertains to being contrary to the Word of God.
Different by definition means: Not alike in character or quality; differing; dissimilar; not identical; separate or distinct; various; several: not ordinary; unusual.
I am not sure how you would define yourself. Or your family.
I have held very differing definitions throughout my life.
They don't all make sense to me.
They contradict one another and at times one has outshone the others.
I don't really like labels.
I don't like categories or boxes that we can put ourselves and others in.
But it is life, and it is natural to define.
We all by definition need to be defined.
It says who we are.
What we were.
And what we hope to be.
It is because we are human.
We need to be substantiated.
We need concrete things to hold and grasp tightly to.
Having a word to define us seems to make us feel like we are something.
Like it puts worth to our names, purpose into who we think we are.
Defining doesn't have to be bad. But it can be.
It can be damaging. Hurtful. And often times wrong.
We can label based on what we see and not on what we know.
It can wound one who is holding so tightly to their hearts that they are misconstrued and misunderstood.
I have been that person. For most and for so much of my life.
I have heard all kinds of things.....
I'm sure you've heard it too. All the "stuff" that people say. The way that they think you are.
We can make a lot of judgements, and I think to some degree we are justified in thinking them....
To be honest, I have never put much stock in what people think of me.
But at the same token, it has at times made me think a little harder about the person that people think me to be.
Those who know me, I'm pretty sure, wouldn't call me "shy".
I am introverted by nature though.
I love people. So much. But they drain me.
I have to retreat, and refuel.
I have to pick and choose my "social" times.
I don't like parties and situations where I have to talk or interact and make senseless conversations.
But I do love the one on one time.
I love deep conversations and thought provoking moments.
I love challenging the one that is sitting in front of me, and I love even more being challenged myself.
I love the meaningful and the profound.
I dislike frivolous "fluff".
I don't like social games... and I won't play them.
In a word.... I am different.
And I like it that way.
Most of the time.
There has been a few times in my life when I didn't like it.
When I felt alone.
I think that what makes me most different than anything else though....is my love for God.
It has been what has driven me for most of my life.
From a very young age, from my beat up and broken life, I stretched out my tiny hands and grasped onto the One that I really didn't know but knew was there.
As I held on tight I began to see things more clearly.
I began to be different.
At five I asked to be baptized. At seven I prayed for the gift of the Holy Spirit.
I didn't get all of it and what it really meant... but I knew that it was real, that it was right, and I wanted it for myself.
I realize that my want came from my need.
I know now that what that deeply hurting little girl wanted was to be loved.
I wanted to belong to someone who would never leave me. Who would never let me down.... and who would never reject me or wound and hurt me the way I had been wounded and hurt.
I have never regretted those decisions.
Not now. And not ever.
I have felt confused, yes.
I have misunderstood Him from time to time, in fact a lot of the times.
I have wondered at why He allows the things that He does, and why He would want me to hurt at all.
I have asked Him lots of questions... and even though He hasn't always answered them all, He has answered some.
I have curled up in a ball, shaking with the tears and with the burdens of a thousand bad choices.....
But I have never doubted that He is with me and loves me.
Or that He would leave me that way.
A long time ago... before I could even make sense of anything else, He planted and ingrained in me something huge, something profound....
I can no more deny Him than deny my own living breath.
I can no more say that He "isn't" than I can the very things that I can touch and feel with the tips of my own fingers.
I can't... because I know that if I did, it would be a lie.
And the the one thing that I won't be.... is a liar.
He's made me too honest for that. Sometimes... too too honest.
Which brings me back.....
To the realization of what really makes me "different"....
I am His.
I want to try my best every day to be defined by Him and Who He is, and who He should be in my life.
I don't just want to profess to be a child of God, but to strive hard while trying to live my life working it out so that I really am worthy of the title.
I don't hope that my children will understand what is expected of them... I try to live it out myself so that they know that it is an attainable thing.
I want to live for the One who is undefinable.
The One who makes us different in the most beautiful and amazing ways.
I am different.
I am not perfect. At all.
I have my quirks and perks.... my differences and idiosyncrasies like everyone else.
But my hope is that I try hard to be honest and true.
Holding fast to the One who promises me more than this world could ever give.
And for that reason...
I am willing to be a little misunderstood.
A little strange at times.
A little devout and a lot passionate about my love and devotion to Him.
I am willing to make the mistakes and admit when I have messed up.
I want His correction more than wanting to be right in any given situation.
It might take a while... but I know that I will eventually get to where I need to be.
I am hoping and praying that I will get to live for the un-ordinary because I have been wrecked for anything less than that.
I am different.
I am His.
Are you willing to be misunderstood, broken, a little strange, completely sold out for Him? Corrected, repentant, and heading in the direction that you should be going, the path He has laid out just for you, the amazing purpose that you have been created for....?
Are you willing....?
And most importantly... Are you His?
... until another tomorrow.
1 "I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34 NIV