Thursday, March 11, 2010
I am not a quitter.
I don't like to lose.
Not at silly games. But at life.
I don't like to feel like I am losing at life.
And right now... life seems to be doling out one sucker punch after another.
I have been here before.
This place of extreme exhaustion. This place of just wanting to curl up... lay my head down and go to sleep.
To give up.
In everything else I am tenacious.
In my passion for God.
In my desire to serve Him.
In loving my family.
In fighting for what I feel is right.
For defending the weak.
But in this area.
In this one area... I am not.
I am weak.
I feel weak.
I know that the body and mind are connected.
I know that in my own experiences that when I am feeling anxious that my body immediately responds.
Cold sweats, heart pounding, mind reeling.
A feeling like I just need to run.
Fast.... and far.
In addition to holding onto something that God has not asked me to carry, I have been holding onto something else.
Fear that I am not in control.
Fear that something bad can happen.
Fear that God isn't going to step in when I thought that He was.
Fear that He is asking me to do what I don't know if I can do.
Saying that it is okay for me to be hurting.
Saying that is okay for Him to do what He wants, however He wants to do it.
I am scared.
And I don't know how.
I can do a lot of things.
I can run circles around so many activities.
I am tough in so many areas....
Why is this proving to be so hard?
Why does this feel like it is costing me everything.....
That everything is riding on this one thing.
Me giving up.
It is different than letting go.
It is admitting defeat.
It is losing.
And although I have an idea of what I have to gain....
I am not sure.
I am so unsure.
And I so want help understanding it all.
And I would like nothing more than for someone to come and show me... to help me pry my fingers loose.
To help me peel them off of my tightly wound control.
Of my habit... very bad habit of taking back what I have repeatedly tried to surrender to God.
It really hurts.
Both physically and emotionally.
My head is pounding with the effects of it.
I can't stop crying today.
I just feel lost.
I have been fighting so hard lately.
Contending for what I thought I was supposed to be contending for.
I know that there is a reason.
I know that this is not all for nothing.
It just hurts so much.
And I just want to curl up..... close my eyes......
I can feel myself giving up.
And I am not so sure that this isn't a bad thing.
I don't know why........
i don't know why.
Here I am Lord.
With puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.
here i am.
because contrary to what all of this may seem... contrary to all I have just said.....
this doesn't depend on me.
This doesn't depend on me.
6"Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.
7Some boast in chariots and some in horses,
But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.
8They have bowed down and fallen,
But we have risen and stood upright.
9Save, O LORD;
May the King answer us in the day we call." Psalm 20:6-9
1"The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
2When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
3Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident." Psalm 27:1-3