Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I have been trying so hard... and thinking that I have had it all figured out.
And although I have come so far.. I know that I have so far yet to go.
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately.
I sat up late into the night... praying... allowing my tears to fall... asking Him and finally once again letting go of what I had unknowingly taken back.
Am I willing?
Am I wanting?
Am I longing?
Am I willing to long for what He is longing for? What He is wanting for me? And for those that I love most?
Knowing that it requires a taking... a tugging and pulling of myself. Of everything that I know and have known?
Am I ready to re-define and be re-defined by Him.... and ultimately for Him?
Am I willing in my desire to see Him more fully, to experience Him to the depths of my heart, to be emptied... poured out... completely and utterly wrecked for the purpose of being re-built and for the restoration... the true depth of healing to occur?
I know that He is correcting.
He is breaking the lies with His truths.
He is disciplining out of a pure love.
He is calling me to abandon more of myself than I thought I had to give.
Giving up more of who I was and becoming the realization of who He has created me to be.
I am so far from perfect.
I am still bumbling through it all.
Often falling, tripping, and missing so much.
But I am also feeling the effect of His soothing, comforting, and flowing touch...
Like amber honey filling and thickly flowing over everything it is poured over.
My heart is deceptive.
Oh how I know this....
I keep hearing that saying that says.... "You can not let your heart lead you... you must lead your heart."
If I am not following after the One who holds ownership to that very integral part of me... than I am not heading where I should. My feet are headed in the wrong direction.
I am going to be led astray... away and wandering... away from Him, and not toward Him and all that He is holding for me.
Pretty soon I find myself at a distance...
Standing in a meadow... separated by my fear, indifference, doubt... with a wide space of confusion between us.
Wondering how I got there... so far from Him... not able to feel Him, or hear Him clearly.
Feeling the swirling mist around me, looking at where I'm at, I can still see Him... far off His features have become blurred. But I can sense His look...
Deep longing... hurt for me ... sorrow at our separation.
Hurting for where I find myself and for the pain that I have allowed to engulf me... in its grip.. and in its power. Bringing with it confusion and doubts.
I can profoundly feel Him longing for me to return to Him... to begin the headlong run back to the security of His arms. To His truths... and the promises that He has already given to me.
Loving arms that I know will wrap all the way around me as soon as I make contact.
Protecting me with a fierce protectiveness.
I can hear Him... so strong.. so sure.... "This one is Mine.".... "She belongs to Me."
"SHE IS MINE."
"YOU CAN NOT TOUCH HER. YOUR POWER HAS BEEN CUT OFF. YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF."
"She is mine."
I can hear the echo of those words... I can feel my head falling onto His chest. Resting there.
I can feel His strength and hear it's power.
The building sound... my own finding it's rhythm with His.
The heartbeat of the Father.
The sound that calms my own raging heart... drowns out the lies... quiets my fears... silences my doubts... my anxious ways... and stills my thoughts.
In unison with His... once again in the place that I know that I belong.
The place that my soul hungers and cries out for....
And it is there that I am safe.
It is there where I find my comfort.
And it is there where my own heartbeat begins to beat with the peace that goes beyond my fragile understanding.
No where else.
No.... where... else.
"I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands." Psalm 119:10
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27