Desperation

Do I believe Him?

DO I BELIEVE HIM?

This question has been going round and round in my head.

You can call yourself a Christian and not trust God.
You can call yourself a believer in Christ and not know a thing about Him.
You can claim to believe and even "know" a whole lot of things.... and not really believe anything... or know it for that matter.
You can tell yourself that you have it all together and all figured out.... and you are probably giving in to the largest lie you have ever bought into.

You can say... and not do. Anything.

And so are you really believing what it is you say you believe in?
Do you believe there is a God just so that you can sleep at night?
With a faith so thin that it will crack at the first sign of any pressure applied to it?
Do you say you don't believe in Him because you don't have the guts to trust anything outside of yourself?
Do you trust yourself and your sense of control more because the thought of trusting anyone or anything else scares you to the core of your being?

I have believed so many of these things.

I shared a while back that God has been asking me if I trust Him?
I do.
But do I trust Him enough?
Enough to step out of my mutilated comfort zone and take the gigantic leap of faith to proclaim Who He Is?

WHO IS HE?

He is Alpha and Omega.
The beginning and the end.
He is All Mighty.
He is sovereign.
He is peace personified.
He is grace.
He is mercy.
He is MORE than our minds can comprehend.
He is glorious.
He is awesome.
He is powerful.
He is amazing.
He is abounding in love, overflowing with mercy.
He is boundless.
He is beyond comprehension.
He is worthy.

HE IS WORTHY.

Of our praise.
Of our reverence.
Of our sacrifices.
Of our delinquencies.
Of our shortcomings.
Of our trust.
Of our devotion.
Of our very being.
Of our love and adoration.

OF EVERYTHING.

HE IS WORTHY.

And that means that He is worthy of my belief.

To believe Him when He says, "I am going to heal you."
When He says, "I love you.".

Getting to desperate to believe it isn't His choice for us.
It is ours.
He isn't any different today than He was yesterday... or the day before that.
He hasn't all of a sudden appeared out of no where with, "Ta dah! Here I am!"

He has been here all along.

ALL ALONG.

It is we that have gone astray.
It is we that have let the "outside" in.
It is we that have allowed ourselves to become burdened with our circumstances.

It is real.
It is painful.
I am not talking out of a place of complete unreality.

I have been living in that "reality" for a very long time.

It is not where our Savior lives.

He lives in the place of peace.
In the place of joy in the midst of hardship.
He lives where healing is a way of life, and not an impossibility.
I am longing to live in that place.

I have been in 24 hour worship and prayer since last Wednesday when I was rocked physically and brought to my knees.
Literally.

Finding myself alone in my house I just let go.
Face down and arms stretched before me I cried out.
I shouted.
I begged and pleaded.

"I want more of  You!"

"I WANT MORE OF YOU!"
And I want to be healed.
Of it all.

All of it.

My desperation  was palpable.
As I lay there I thought, " What if someone comes home and sees and finds me like this?"
In light of where I was at, I didn't care.
I still don't.

I am desperate for Him.
For His presence.
For His touch.
When I inch away even the tiniest bit I feel it immediately.

I don't want to move.
I don't want to lose this.
I can't explain the feeling.
The emotion.
The depth.

I truly believe that what I am experiencing is not a passing fancy.
I believe that THIS is what God has wanted all along.

THIS IS IT.

Relationship with Him.
Being passionately in love with Him that NOTHING else matters but what He wants to do.
What He wants to show us.
And with what He wants to do with us.

NOTHING.

Not TV.
Not entertainment.
Not any pursuit that would convolute or pollute what we are hearing.
What He is trying to say.

It isn't that any of that is bad. Well, it can be. But I think you get my gist.
But right now in this season. In this time that we are living in.... there is no time to waste.
In our homes. In our cars. In our work places. In all of it.
In our every day moments.
He wants to "be" right in the middle of it all.

I will not dare you to try it.
I will not attempt to convince you.
You have that choice on your own.

But I will say this....
There is nothing like it.
There is nothing like this feeling that I am feeling.

There is nothing like God.

Nothing.

I will raise my voice above the tallest mountain.
I will yell it from the highest hill.

GOD IS GOOD.
MY GOD IS MIGHTY.
TO SAVE.
TO HEAL.
TO ACCOMPLISH ALL THAT WE FIND IMPOSSIBLE.
AND HE IS WORTHY......

OF ALL OUR PRAISE.

He is worthy of my beleif.  Of my life. Of my everything.
And I will proclaim it forever.


....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"1Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good;

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
2Oh let Israel say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
3Oh let the house of Aaron say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
4Oh let those who fear the LORD say,
"His lovingkindness is everlasting."
5From my distress I called upon the LORD;
The LORD answered me and set me in a large place.
6The LORD is for me; I will not fear;
What can man do to me?
7The LORD is for me among those who help me;
Therefore I will look with satisfaction on those who hate me.
8It is better to take refuge in the LORD
Than to trust in man.
9It is better to take refuge in the LORD
Than to trust in princes. " Psalm 118:1-9

If you feel drawn I want to encourage you to read the whole of  Psalm 118.
God put it on my heart today. And I believe that it is not just for me.

God bless you as you seek after and become desperat for more of Him.

A Voice In the Desert

I have been in a desert.
For what has seemed a very long time.
I have been crying out to God... seeking Him.
Or thought I was seeking Him.
In many ways, I have. But I have learned lately, not in the most important ways.

I'm not sure how to phrase this next sentance... so I will just say it.
I have been ill.
I don't like the word sick.
Stupid I know. But there it is.

I have a "condition".
One that I hate. And I am not proud to talk about.
I hate talking about it.

I felt the Lord tell me to talk about it a few weeks ago...and I have fought Him on it.

And I have been getting worse.

My quallity of life has decreesed.
I wake up and don't know what that day will bring.
And I have allowed the fear that I have been fighting off to creep back in... and put his chains back on my wrists... and my feet... and around my neck.
Chokeing me with the strain and pressure.
I have again bought into his lies.

And I am so ashamed.

So I now find myself in this place.
This place of darkness and uncertainty.

I have fybromialgia.

The syndrome, that isn't a syndrome to so many.
I have been told that it is a figmant of my imagination... a mythical disease that doctors go to when they don't know what to tell you.
But in essence... I have been told that it doesn't exist. And it is not real.

Tell my body that.
Because living in agonizing pain every day of my life is not fun.
In fact it sucks.
In the worst way.

Imagine having the worst flue of your life... your body aching from head to toe, every muscle in your body tight and in constant spasms.
Imagine your head feeling like it weighs 1000 pounds which in turn makes your neck feel  weary and tired.... all day long.
With no respite... and no rest.
Sleep is your enemy, and your waking hours seem endless.

Tell my body that this is all in my head.
Tell my spirit that I am just imaging it.

I dare you.

Becauese I will bet that you have then never felt what I feel every day. And know what I wish I didn't.

And lately, the bane of my existece has become what I hate most.
Headaches.
Striking when I least expect them... and with the intensity that pushes me to tears and wishing to escape from the hell that is my body. That has become my life.

But I say all of this not to share it so that you can just know it.
I share it becaue although I feel like my body is wasting away.
In this desert that is surrounding me.
I have heard a voice.

"I am going to heal you."

I heard it 8 years ago when I first found out what I had.
And I was told that I would remember that day.

I'm not sure what to say next......
My thoughts are scattered like broken shells on the sand.

The water keeps rushing in and carrying them off  before I can grab them.

I am sure.
I am becoming increasingly more confident.

My lack of faith doesn't come from wanting... it comes from believing.

Have you ever wanted somthing SO badly that you would do anything to get it?

I have sought out doctors.... alternative medicine... physical therapists... diet......

And it has all failed me.

And the voice keeps saying ever so lightly... ever so gently...

"Are you done yet?"
"Because they can't help  you.... only Me. Your healing is going to ONLY be found in Me."

I have talked about giving up... letting go... surrendering.

I have in many ways. But not in the ways that matter most.

I am now completely helpless. And I have been in despair.

It is in THAT moment that God came in.

Isaiah 30:19
"O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you."

This is not just for me.

THIS IS NOT JUST FOR ME!

He is going to do things that we have only yet heard about.
I believe with all my heart that God is going to begin to work in ways that we have only longed for but have never felt woud be possible.

And He will give us water in place of the dry and dark places.
He is going to begin to pour out in a way that even His most devoted will stand back in amazement.

"What is this that He is doing?", we will ask.

And He is going to show us.

He is going to show us just how BIG a God He really is.

Our participation is absolutely neccesary.
It is imparitive.

I don't want to miss it.
I am running after Him.

My body feels frail.... my arms are tired... my legs are aching....
BUT I WILL NOT STOP.

I WANT YOU LORD.
I WANT WHAT YOU SO DEEPLY WANT TO GIVE.

He is who He sais He is.
Whether we believe it or not!!
And He wants to show us.
He is going to show us!

I have been walking in constant worship since Wednesday.
I have kept the worship music going 24-7.
I have been praying in the spirit.
I have been doing battle.
There is an urgency in my spirit.
There is a pulling and a drawing.

"Don't miss me."
"I am coming."
"Anticipate my arrival."

He is going to visit us.
In a way that I think is going to blow our conseptions right out ot the box.

You can say no.
You can close your eyes.
You can and will do whatever it is you choose and want.

I choose to not blink.
To keep my eyes way open, and ready.

I am here Lord.
I am  anticipating You.

Where are you?
Can you see me across the sand?
Can you see the tears washing down my face?
Can you see me on my knees with my arms stretched wide and my face turned  high?

Becuase I am listening......I am waiting.

Can you hear it?
Can you hear the voice in your desert?
He IS speaking.

Father, help us in our unbeleif.
Forgive the sins of this land. The sins that hold us back from You.

We need You God.
More than we have ever needed you before.
You ALONE God.

YOU ALONE.

I know that my voice is small.
I know that I am not big... and that I am just one.
But together, we are many.

I pray that you will begin to seek the face of God like I have.
Face down, repentant, and wanting what He alone can give.

It is time. Today is the day.
We can't wait anymore.
What are we waiting for anyway?
For someone else to come save us?
From this world, from our worries, from our sicknesses, from everything that makes us feel like we just can't make it one more step?

WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

Don't wait. Don't wait.

The time is now.

A voice in the desert....
Crying out.

Are we going to lilsten?

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

18 "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;


he rises to show you compassion.

For the LORD is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!



19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"



23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows." Isaiah 30:18-23

A Cause Worth Living For

I have to be blunt.

I am not a blogger.

I am a writer.

For some reason this has freed me up by just stating it. To you. And mostly to myself.

I needed to get it down. To cement it for myself.

I have fought the stereo type of this phenomenon called blogging.

Not that blogging is bad. I love blogs. And I love to read them.
And I know that there are a lot of "bloggers" that are amazing writers....

But the title for me has never sat well.

God has called me to write. Not blog.

This has freed me to write more how I feel I am called to write, and not just write to get something down. I don't have a target audience, nor a particular demographic.

I only write when I feel that God has laid the words on my heart. When they follow me around and won't leave me alone until I put them down.

I am a writer. In the deepest part of me.

I am learning so much during this season in my life.

It has occurred to me that we all are living for some sort of cause... or many causes.

It divides us, and unites us.

The causes of:

Achieving goals, whether they be self motivated or altruistic.

Fighting for something we believe in.... or don't.

Maybe it's not so much what we are fighting for but against.....

Against stereo types, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, fear.

So many things.. so many possibilities.

But there is one that stands out to me these days the most, the cause and fight against God.

Even when we think that we are pursuing His cause for our lives. We so often are not.

We are wanting what we want, the way we want it.

It then becomes our cause and not His own.

Forgetting that He is to be our singular cause... our singular purpose.

Relationship with Him.

Intimacy with the One who loves us and has made us His cause from the beginning of time.

We are His cause.

He is always fighting for us.

For relationship with us......His children..... His beloved.

That thought humbles and overwhelms me.

I have had so many causes that I have lived for in my life.

So many dreams that have driven me.

And they have shifted and changed so much over the last few years.

They are still changing.... and becoming more clear the closer that I draw to my Heavenly Father.

His causes for my life becoming more pronounced than all the others.

My dreams for my life and His for me, beginning to come together.

The desires that He has planted deeply in the farthest recesses of my heart are starting to push their way up.

So much of what I want to be is wrapped up in these three things.....

To serve God. To serve people. And to move about while doing it.

Not just any people... but the broken, the wounded, and the lost. And not just anywhere... but specific areas, places well known and places remote.

To serve with my life and with my gifts.

Gifts that I have kept shelved for so long because I thought that they were a dead dream.

God has begun to pull them down off my dusty and forgotten shelves.

Blowing off the collected dirt.... wiping off the muck to see what lies underneath.

He keeps holding them out to me to see... one after the other. Pointing and directing my gaze to the ones still lying on the shelves.

I have been so scared... of every one.

So many dreams.... so many hopes... so much that I thought that I had to give up.... so much that I thought that I would have to sacrifice forever.

I have taken only one gift for now.... I have gingerly received it. Gazing longingly at it.... in wonder and fear. Not feeling adequate enough to hold it, for even a moment in time.

And since then, ever since I have taken hold of it, things have started to happen.

I have begun to dream again.

Things have begun to get stirred up.

My world has begun to open up.... taken on new perspectives.... new objectives.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a voice..... I have the buried things so deep in my heart bubbling up and overflowing out into the written page.

I have been so afraid at times.

What am I doing?

"God, are you sure that this is what you want?"

Because I don't want it if you don't.

From the time as far back as I can remember I have dreamed.... imagined... and thought up fantastical stories.

Places and adventures that I could only wish to embark on.

But this is different. So different.

This is not made up stuff.

This is life. Real life. My life.

When I was twelve years old I took a trip with a friend.

Her sister was stationed in Canada as a missionary.

She lived on a boat, and I was invited to come visit.

It was my first time on an airplane without an adult accompanying me.... and I loved the independence of it all.

My friend was scared to death... and I thought she was crazy.

We were free!

Up until then I had never ventured very far... my fears keeping me captive.

But things changed on that trip. I changed.

The moment we landed I couldn't stop looking.... at everything around me.

The trees, the waterfalls we passed, the rain that was falling, the mountains and the cars.

All of it. I was taking it all in. And I was amazed at it all.

The moment I spotted the ship we were going to stay on, I couldn't contain my excitement.....

As I stepped onto the gangplank my heart began to beat out of my chest.

I remember taking in a huge deep breath of the cold Canadian air..... and letting it out in a rush.

This was it.

Every person I met, from the cook to the different missionaries serving in different capacities....

I just couldn't help staring at each one.

Sitting in on the prayer and worship meetings.

I remember so clearly looking around one night and watching.

I was in awe.

Did people REALLY do this?

Did they really get live like this? Serving God EVERY single day of their lives.... away from home, going to foreign places, helping people?

I wanted this. I knew it in an instant.

I was meant to be this.... to live like this.

Traveling has been my siren call since I was very little.

I have always had the heart of a gypsy.

Hearing others say that they wanted to stay here forever... grow up, get married, have kids, and just "be".... the thought was not appealing to me at all.

I figured I would do the "normal" life stuff "out" there..... just not so normal.

I've always wanted to run free... roam... run... and meet new people, see new things.

I have always wanted so much more.

I would have left right then.

At the tender age of twelve.

I would have left my family, friends, and everything I knew.

I am still that twelve year old today in many ways.

In me beats the heart of a foreign missionary.... a writer... a speaker.... and whatever He has hidden deep within me. Things that I don't even think I have realized yet.

And I don't know how God will do it.

I don't know how He will make it happen. Any of it. All of it.

But He is holding in His hands another one of my boxes..... and I can see the writing on the lid....

I am so afraid to take it.... when He finally holds it out to me....

Will He offer it to me?

I have been so afraid that He never will.

And so I am sitting on the edge of my seat... waiting.... hoping.... wishing beyond everything I have ever wished for.....

And when He finally holds it out to me... and takes the lid off.... revealing what is inside I will bound out of my chair.....

And Go.

I can't wait.

So with head bent low in reverence to the One I so desperately want to serve... and tears coursing down my face... I am waiting.

Trying my best to be patient.

Holding out for His timing... His way, not mine.

But I am not bereft... I am not left empty.... I have this.

I have my writing, and my voice. I have my amazing family who loves me for me... and who hopes and dreams with me.

And I have a feeling that each one goes hand in hand with each other.....

We will see... and I anticipate it with the rapid beating of my heart.

A heart that is beating after Him..... for Him.

He sees me.... even when some don't. And He sees my heart. The most important part of me.

The most important part of us all.

..... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and myhope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." 31:24

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18

This song keeps running through my head, reminding me why I have the burning desire to serve my God with all that I am. I hope it inspires you today to want the same. ~m.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnT8W-9Fm-g&feature=related

Just Wondering.....

I have been thinking since my last post.

A lot.

I know that so many times when I have written I have opened up a window into my heart...

But this time felt different.

I was expressing something that was different.

More personal for some reason.

Maybe because what I chose to share is very close... and the emotion runs very deep for me.

And I've wondered.....

Has it made a difference?

Is anyone out there really reading this....?

Is anyone being helped by what I have written or am writing about....?

Why am I doing this?

And for who?

I have asked myself this before... even written about it to some degree, but...

How do I say this......?

I am not doing this or chosen to do it for accolades.

Anyone who truly knows me will tell you this.

I hate lime light.

It is why I fought God for so long about doing this.

The exposure.

The sensor.

The criticism.

The possibility of judgement.... or offending someone.

The reality of who I am. Really am... not who anyone "thinks" I am.

But I have chosen to do this because I have felt called and drawn to.

I have felt called to be honest. To be real. To be me.

And there is the rub.

I have done such a good job of allowing people to "sort of" know me, that I don't know if I like the idea of them knowing more than I want them to.

It is raw. I am a raw person.

I am real.

And I won't pretend to be anything else. Not here. And not anywhere else really.

But I do tend to shrink back sometimes. Kick myself for saying that... or not doing that better.

I am human.... and I doubt myself with the best of them.

I fight and have fought myself on this for so much of my life.

I have wanted to stretch for so long.... and have been afraid to.

I know that there is a right and wrong way to do things... the right way to say what needs to be said......

But I am still processing those out.

Still trying to find the "right" in who I am, knowing the right in Who God is.

Trying to figure myself out not by how even my closest friends and family think of me, but of what my Heavenly Father thinks of me... by the truths of His word.

I am not easily defined.

I am soft and rough.

Tender and often tough and hard to reach.

So weak... and yet strong.

Still learning, but smart.

Hurting and healing.

Failed so often but still trying.

Shy and bold.

Afraid and fearless.

Confident but insecure.

Fun and serious.

Dry wit and cynical.

I love to laugh and often cry......

And want to be so much more than I am right now.

I want to be recognized as a daughter of God.

I want to be known by my passion for Him.

I want to be taken seriously.... and also lightly.

I don't think more of myself than I should. And I don't want others to either.

In fact I think lower of myself than most may think. And God has been working on this for a while.

That is just it.....

That is why doing this sometimes is so hard for me.

Have I said too much?

Said too little?

I don't know.

And this is where I will bring it around......

Who is getting anything out of my day to day testimony of the life I am living?

Here and everywhere my feet touch?

Am I making a difference?

Does any of this count for something?

Does anyone else relate to what I am thinking? What I am feeling?

I want to know if what I am doing here..... matters? And I have been struggling with this along with all the other things I have been thinking about.

Is my being real.... and myself, helping... impacting... or encouraging change for anyone?

Because I don't know..... I would love to think that I am offering hope through the testimony of my life.... to reach out to those that may feel unloved, rejected, wounded, forgotten, and frustrated... to encourage the one who is fighting to be more just like I am.... or maybe just to give someone out there something to think about... to ponder... and hopefully to draw each one closer to their Heavenly Father who wants them to truly know Him.... to motivate them to change those things that He is wanting to refine.... and desire to be molded more into the image of who He is and not who they once were in the light of the truth of His Word.

To remind them that He is near. And He loves us.

He loves you.

I have been thinking, praying, and hoping that all of this.... all that I have written up until now has meant something.

And I am hoping that you have been able to hear my heart in it all.

At the end of the day I guess it really doesn't matter... not really.

Who may read it.

Because I have had to answer my own wondering heart....

I am going to keep writing..... I have considered stopping because I have been questioning my purpose and calling in it.

But my husband has given me food for thought....

Even if it is just for me.

To process.

To look back and to see the faithfulness of God.

To recall and remember all the ways that He has spoken, worked in me, shown me Who He is in every situation, fought hard for me, done battle for me, and loved me.

And if it is just for one other one.

I need to keep writing.

If it is just for you.

This is all worthy of my time..... of my heart.

...... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23

"From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you. On earth he showed you his great fire, and you heard his words from out of the fire. ³⁷ Because he loved your forefathers and chose their descendants after them, he brought you out of Egypt by his Presence and his great strength, ³⁸ to drive out before you nations greater and stronger than you and to bring you into their land to give it to you for your inheritance, as it is today." Deuteronomy 4:36-38

This song by Brit Nicole really says so much.... of how I have been feeling, and how I feel right now.

I often play it in my car while I am driving, turned up loud, with one hand on the wheel and the other stretched out in surrender as I sing it with all my heart....

I hope it speaks to and encourages you. It really does sum it all up for me.

~m.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShZXQn14Npw&feature=player_embedded

Disappointed.

I have been disappointed.

With life.

With myself.

And generally with a lot of people around me.

I want more.

Out of life.

Out of myself.

And from the people I am closest to.

Is this too much to ask?

I really am wondering.

And is it okay to wonder? And want more than is right here.... and right now?

I have been pinging these thoughts around in my head for a while now.

It isn't a question of contentment... or discontent. Although I guess in a way it might be.

I have been trying to be content with where I have been placed for right now. In the moment of motherhood, being a wife, a Sunday school teacher, a writer (sort of), and realistically trying to keep up with the days that seem to fall one into the other with no hope of much change or difference.

My health hasn't been great. And that, I will save for another day.....

But it has added to my not being comfortable lately.

It's like I have been sitting in a chair that just doesn't feel right for so long now.

I have wiggled and adjusted. Squirmed and fidgeted.

But no matter how hard I try.... I just can't get comfortable.

The chair isn't going to change, no matter how much you move and adjust yourself to try and make it more than it is.

My life feels like that chair right now.

And I have been wiggling and adjusting so much that I have begun to feel worn out by the effort.

Okay... so I know maybe some of you are immediately thinking.... so stop struggling and just relax.

Ummmm... yah. I've tried that too.

I've done the whole surrender to it thing.

Trust me when I tell you, that it works for about a minute of time.

And then it becomes clear that even when I've relaxed in it, and resigned myself to it, I get uncomfortable again.

I am trying. Believe me.

But there is something, or Someone who although wants me to be still, doesn't want me to get too comfortable.

Am I making ANY sense at all?

Oh brother.

And don't get me started on the self doubt.

Plaguing.

I know that God doesn't want for me to doubt. But does He want, or has He continued to allow for me to be uncomfortable?

My hunch in one sense, is yes.

Yes to not getting complacent.

Yes to not being satisfied with the ordinary.

Yes to wanting more of Him and less of what the world finds as temporary fulfillment.

And yes to not settling for anything less than what He wants.

But there is also a No.

No to not trusting and doubting Him. Even in the midst of really confusing circumstances.

No to believing that He doesn't want more for me than I am right now.

No to the lies that He doesn't see me as beloved and prized. With value far greater than my small mind can comprehend.

And no to depending on my own self worth and how I see myself instead of His view of the big picture of who I am and who He has created me to be.

I am eager to launch out of this chair.

I am tired of being patient.

I know that this is a character trait that we all have to exercise and need our whole lives through....... but........

I

just

want

more than this.

More than this place of rigidity.

Of constant shifting with no real end result or outcome.

Of feeling like I can't stand. Jump. Run. And throw my arms out and dance as hard and free as I am longing to.

Twirling and moving.

Not merely stationary and feeling as though I am becoming stagnant.

Don't misunderstand.

I am in a deeper proximity in my relationship with God than I have ever been.

I feel as though I am finally gaining clearer perspective on who He is. Although, I know that this will be a lesson that I will continue to learn until we stand face to face some day.

But at the same time it is just for these reasons that I am constantly feeling like my present state of being is just not enough.

This is where I struggle lately.

I want more of Him. And I want more than just the average life.

Punching the suburban clock and punching out again.

Yet I keep getting told that I have to be content in everything.

Much confusion has arisen from this mentality of thought.

I want to move.

I want to impact more than just this tight circle that I feel forced into.

I want to stretch and test my wings.

I don't want to be judged by how I merely appear or from my past, but I want for people to want to know me. To really "see" me.

I feel like I have been evolving for a while now.

The most painful times in my life have been the last few years.

I have so many dreams.

So many hopes.

And so many promises that I hope to realize.

I know that this post is different from so many others.

I know that I am setting a different stage.

I hope that you will stick with me.

And realize as I am, that it is okay.

To want more.

To need more.

And to hope for more.

Just as long as that more is rooted in God.

And for His wants and desires for us.

Here is to a new chapter.

And hopefully one that I can look back on and gain new understanding into my Heavenly Fathers perspective on it.

On me.

And I hope that in the end of this season... that I won't be disappointed anymore.

At all.

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." Romans 5:5 Amplified Bible

"There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!" Romans 3-5 The Message Bible