Changes

Things are quickly changing around here.

My kids are growing at the speed of light.

Their likes and dislikes.

Their loves and hates.

And I am not always good at keeping up.

I tried to explain this phenomenon to a friend last night.

It feels like I'm on a treadmill that won't slow down and I think I might fall off.

This is how change can be.

I can keep up or get off.

I can whine and complain or I can hit my knees and cry out to the One who holds all of time in the palm of His hands.

I actually love change.

I love the adventure of it.

I've accepted that this is a integral part of life.

But I  fooled myself into thinking that I love all change.

I've learned by trial and error this season of my life that I don't really love all of it at all.

I don't love that my oldest child is going to leave soon.

I love that she is going to go out there and change the world. 

I love that she is pursuing her life long passion and dreams.

But I mourn the gaping hole that her leaving will bring  in our home.

I already feel the lack of her arms coming from around the back of me, hugging me close and telling me how much she loves me.

I'm not sure how to take the changes occurring in my youngest daughter.

She seems to finally have hit her "teen" years.

I'm not her favorite right now because I've chosen to be her mom and not her friend.

She is most like me.

I am positive that dealing with a very close life like clone of myself has to serve a higher purpose.

It most certainly has me on my knees. And has shown me glaringly the things in my life that still need some attention.

My son in growing so fast. So quick.

It feels like yesterday that we lay sprawled on the floor playing with his toy cars.

Wasn't it just moments ago that our house was filled with all things Buzz Lightyear?

Now there are soccer balls on the counter and baseballs strewn where I can trip on them.

My kitchen table has become his "dumping" ground.

But he still tells me he loves me.

He ignores my unmade up face and messy hair and tells me I'm beautiful.

He still loves to snuggle at night, but instead of begging for a story he tells me his latest sports facts.

I may not like all the changes going on right now, but I am learning to seek out the things that I need to grasp from them.

I am learning to be more sensitive.

I am trying to understand the perspective of one that is the age that I was not so long ago.

I am reaching out and trying to hold onto the precious moments and lock them away for a day that I will need them most.

And in the midst of all this change I feel the change in me.

The change of not wanting my own way but God's.

Praying harder and with more passion and fervor than I ever have before.

Seeking out God's direction and wisdom as fast as it takes me to utter and cry out the prayer or run to find my Bible.

And I know these changes are good. They are right.

Because they are drawing all of us closer to our Heavenly Father.

Knowing that none of our change surprises Him or mess with His day.

I am becoming more dependent on Him.

I am reaching out to others when I am hurting rather than hiding it away in the deep recesses of my heart to deal with on my own.

I am taking steps to check myself in every situation.

I am not good at it yet, but I am aware.

The change feels a lot like the changing of seasons.

The colors turning on the leaves, and the air bringing with it a bight of winter.  

The breeze promising  relief that is long overdue.

Every season in our lives is different.

It brings different change.

But the one thing that I have been clinging to the most, is the truth that no matter what season I am going through that God stays the same.

His "bigness" is more profound in those moments when my "smallness" is so evident. 

Although my children will continue to change, He will not.

When my treadmill begins to pick up speed and I begin to panic, His hands will reach down and hook underneath my arms and lift me up just enough until I can regain my footing and begin running again.

He is the calm in the storm. The One who commands my waives to cease their crashing.

He is the majestic lion that reminds me that His strength and power are far greater than my own.

And He is the gentle Father that gathers me into His arms and let's me cry out the tears of my heart and reminds me that I'm not alone.

In life and the changes of it.

He is with me.

And that never changes.

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding joy; And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God. Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God." Psalm 43:3-5