I feel as though I don't have anything to offer, but so much I can say.
After posting my last blog I have felt vulnerable. Exposed. And Bare.
It has been surreal for me.
From the beginning I put conditions on what I would say or not say.
Mostly to keep myself safe. To keep my heart guarded and protected. And hidden.
But God has been drawing from far deeper places than I have wanted to go.
Or expose for that matter.....
He has been asking for far more than I originally wanted to give.
The fact that God is pulling from deep within can have many resounding effects.
In me and on those around me.
And they are not all positive.
This is the hardest part of what I do. Why I have considered not doing it any more so often.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to cause pain.
And I realize that sharing my heart will effect whoever chooses to come along..... but I wish that that only meant good things and not the things that would bring some people to a place of profound hurt.
I know that it is not always me. I realize that God is allowing so many to read and reflect.
I only want to help and offer hope.
But I also know that the journey that I set out on not so long ago has brought me to this place, and I can't and shouldn't forsake what God is wanting and longing to do.
But that doesn't make this any easier. And when I hear from others, especially those that I love, and they are impacted in such a way that I don't always know is positive, I am left unsure with what to do and how to proceed.
I want to be faithful.
I want to honor God above all else.
And I want to be honest.
My heart has been laid open and not all of it is pretty.
In fact most of it is not.
But it is real.
And it is in it's truest rawest form.
I have been praying and hoping that though I have chosen to be obedient to what I feel God has led me to do, that I also won't get in the way.
And that I will do it with a heart that is completely set on glorifying Him and proclaiming the truth of who He is.
In my life, and hopefully in the life of every believer.
And I hope in some measure that it may even draw the one whose never believed or has walked away.
My heart is to dig deeper..... reach farther..... and go to a place so profound that I will never be the same.
And my hope is that you will never be the same either.
That the offerings of this world will not satisfy any more.
That the pet sins that we have been feeding will die away as we begin to starve them when we begin meeting with our God who is so faithful that He is willing to meet us anytime we come.
That our time with Him will begin to draw out the poisons and toxic beliefs that we have put on as we would a favorite sweatshirt or coat.
That all that we have come to regard as "truths" in our lives that have really been disguised lies would be exposed in light of what the truth really is.
I hope that in some small measure that not only I can make a difference in sharing my heart but it will encourage others to go out and share theirs.
To not be afraid.
To be open and willing to do what God is calling you to do in accordance to His word and His precepts for our live.
Even if it hurts.
A little or a lot.
The reward, I have a feeling, is more than we can imagine.
I hope that I will not be alone in the laying out of my heart, knowing that the master surgeon is the one who is carefully handling every detail.
And that the outcome will be a heart that is not only mended but made more whole than it was to begin with.
.....until another tomorrow.
"I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have spoken of Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your loving-kindness and Your truth from the great congregation. You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me; Your loving-kindness and Your truth continually preserve me. " Psalm 40:10,11