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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hope Sought Out.....

The last few weeks have been full.
Full of activity, full of trials, and at full speed.
I have felt like the road that my car has been traveling is bumpy at best and filled with pot holes the size of a crater at worst.
I have felt every jar and shake. Have been reduced to helplessly grasping the wheel and holding on with all my might.
And I am getting tired.
It is hard to continually keep that pace.
I don't know how those who have to travel that road for most of their lives, and do it well, do it at all.

I feel as though I keep looking out the windows, wondering , searching.....
Trying to find someone who can relate, who can help, who can point me in the right direction and give me hope on this path that I have chosen to go.
And I have felt compelled to seek them out. 
The wise, the mighty in faith, the ones who are not surrounded by this cloud of confusion and smoke.

And I have found them.
Their faces can been seen through the fog and I have walked in that direction toward them.
We can't do any of this on our own.

Who are we? 
That we think we can do it all by ourselves?
We need those who have gone before us.... who are fighting the good fight..... and conquering.
We need one another.
And we need not forget that.
I have.   I did. 
But not anymore.

I needed and still do need to be reminded of who I am in Christ.
I need to be reminded of WHO the God is that I choose to serve.
I need to be reminded that His word is True, Just, and full of things I need to survive this rough terrain of life.
I get caught up in the day to day, by the "good" times, and then when the ruts hit, I panic.
I grasp and reach..... I cry and fear..... I lose perspective and ultimately lose my way.

His signs are everywhere.   He hasn't left me deserted.   He hasn't given up hope because I have.
I just can't see them because I have chosen to believe the lies that have risen up like a thick fog.
Blocking out the words of His truths.
I focus on the holes and the dangers of them instead of relying on the One who can cover them all as I go over them.
I forget the power that He has and the ability to speak straight into those situations.

I am striving to know Him more.
Deeper and more intimate.
I have found that as I have asked this, my road has seemingly become more rocky and more rut filled.
I have been confused by this..... disillusioned.
But I believe..... I know..... that He is with me.
That any confusion is on my part.
Is my own fault and frailty in believing lies instead of truths. Truths I have been raised on. Truths that I know hold and will continue to hold even after this world has faded away.......

I am learning to lean in a little closer.
I want to trust Him. I want to know Him.
I am not going to lie that this doesn't scare me just a little.
He is so much more than I can handle.

And yet..... He is Abba Father.
Holy and Mighty.
Just and True.
Loving and Full of Mercy.
Gentle and more Patient than I can conceive.

And He is worthy of my trust.... worthy of my praise.... worthy of all of me.

He hasn't left you.
He is right there.
Grasp onto Him instead of the wheel.
Cling like you have never clung before.
It is there that the peace comes.
It is there that He is able to speak.
Clearer than the lies, and louder than the roaring sound of your fears.

He is God.

As I take the baby steps toward my Father I am tempted to look back.
I am choosing not to.
And I hope that there are others who are following.
Not me.... but Him.
Getting up from where they have fallen and walking forward with me.
Toward Him..... toward the things He has for us to do.
Things that we can't do if we are bound by our own selfish beliefs and bondage's that we have allowed our enemy to entangle and wrap around us. Heavy.... weighted.... and not from Him.


That is what I have been seeking.... and what I have been given.
And I pray.... someday..... I can give it too.
Convincingly..... knowing.... not just because I have chosen to believe it.....

But because I have lived it.

..... until another tomorrow.


114"You are my hiding place and my shield;
         I wait for Your word. 
    115Depart from me, evildoers,
         That I may observe the commandments of my God. 
    116Sustain me according to Your word, that I may live;
         And do not let me be ashamed of my hope." Psalm 119:114-116

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