So many things going on around and in me to even explain fully in a way that would even make sense.
It will probably take me days to just process through it all.
But I will begin with what is forefront in my mind. Center stage if you will.
I'm sure it is obvious to anyone who takes the time to read my blogs that I really only have one purpose. At least this is my deepest hope.....
To bring glory to God through the testimony of my life.
No other reason really, although I obviously love to write. I realize that this form of expression for me IS the way the I have been called, for now, to share that which I feel God is drawing me to and out of.
I had a devastating circumstance happen to me around 10:47pm Thursday night.
And I've realized that although I cried and hurt over it, that I approached it much differently than I have approached similar circumstances in the past.
For one, because I find myself in unchartered territory in the regards to my vulnerability and my emotions, I found that I felt the impact much more deeply.
And I didn't think that was possible. I now stand corrected. :)
And two, instead of ringing my hands for a little bit like a lost child, I immediately took action.
I prayed. And I sought out those that I knew would honestly join me.
It didn't make the situation less scary, but it made it more bearable. Because I know that I am not in control. Usually this freaks the heck out of me, and I'm not saying that I am totally cured from my "control freak" tendencies, but I have found comfort in knowing that I am so puny in light of the vastness and hugeness that is my God.
I can rest in knowing that He does care. He is listening. And He wants to be in the midst of His people, with His children..... always... and especially when they are hurt and hurting.
This is what I have found comfort in the past few days.
And I have already begun to see Him move and do things that others said was impossible.
This is what draws me to Him. Not because He is answering the way we have asked, although this is such an amazing aspect for me, but because God is honest in His love for us.
As I stood in church today and let the songs in worship roll over me like waves cresting and falling I couldn't help but move with the force of it.
Our pastor had already set us up. He came wanting us to feel and experience what he has been aching for in his own life. You could feel the pulse of his prayers that had to have been uttered with a deep and sincere heart in preparation for what he knew God is calling us all to.
So it wasn't hard to engage. To connect with the spirit of God, and let the Holy Spirit do what needed to be done.
I can't fully put into words what I was feeling and what went on except to say this; If you want more of Him, He is available.
If you want to hear from Him, make yourself accessible.
If you are longing for more in your life than the mediocre mundane, than I suggest a life surrendered and fully lived out for Christ.
There really is no other way..... any other way is not really living. It is merely existing.
Deeper. I thought that I had already begun to traverse the deepest parts of the vast ocean that I think of as my relationship with God.
I had not a clue that there is so much more, although I longed for it. I think you want to believe it but scarcely hope for it or even try for fear that you will be disappointed or worse yet, disappoint your Heavenly Father.
But I know that what I have caught a glimpse of is far more than I could ever hope to think.
I have felt that God has been wanting to stir His people for a while now, and have been frustrated that it seemed like those around me were content with "things as they are".
I was wrong.
I am not the only one. In what I have been feeling and what God is calling and wanting from His people. From all of us.
There is more. So much more.
Looking out I am a little frightened. The view seems endless..... so large and so vast.
And I'm not sure what will be required.
But I don't want to tread water. I want to swim. I want to ride the waves and see what God has on the horizon as I get to the crest.
I know that it requires full commitment, and a resigning of everything old in my life.
I am beginning to move my arms and kick out my legs.
I am heading out into deeper waters.
And I know I'm not alone.
.....until another tomorrow.
"Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me." Psalm 42:7
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12