Pushed

Push.

I don't really like this word.

It usually conjures up feelings of being forced and made to do something I don't want to do or would rather not.

I don't know many people who like to be told what to do. And I am one of them.

This has been a struggle for me my whole life.

Even if I know that I am being pushed for the right reasons. 

So then, if I hate it so much, why would I push my kids to do things I know is potentially good for them but not what they want to do?

This is what I would call an "Aha!" moment for me.

Let me start at the beginning.......

I signed my daughter up, with her permission and at my side, for student leadership at school.

She is a natural born leader, but has been reluctant to do so due to not being sure of herself just yet. 

I can respect and understand that. Completely.

She was notified of the first meeting and suddenly caught a case of the "I don't want to, and this is stupid" syndrome.

I made her go.

I pushed.

I should know better.

She is too much like me.

But I also know that I didn't have anyone who encouraged that in me when I was her age. 

I was told to be responsible, more organized, but not to take the lead.

So I never saw myself that way. Not until I became an adult and started to figure myself out.

Even then, I wasn't so sure of who I was. I am still in the process of figuring.

She doesn't see what I see. What we all see.

A confidence and assurance when she is standing for what she knows is right.

Not caring what anyone else thinks when she has decided to not go with the flow and is standing alone.

Passion for what she loves and tenacity for what she believes.

This is what I see.

A leader in it's purest form.

But she doesn't see it yet. And doesn't quite believe me when I tell her what I think.

It was in this process of my thinking that I had my Aha! moment.

Could it be that when I have often felt the "push" of God that I don't like and am not particularly thankful for at the moment, that it is good for me and exactly what I need?

That maybe he sees something that I don't?

More than I can see?

Can my vision of myself be so limited that I see only what is right in front of me and not what is deep inside? 

Even if I inherently want more and know that I have been born for just that? Or maybe because my idea of what it should look like is very different than what I think He is leading me toward?

Maybe.

Probably.

Okay.... Yes. 

But just like my daughter, even though I know it is probably what I need, I resist. 

It helps to know that just like me with my little girl, that God does see the bigger picture.

My potential.

What I am capable of and worthy of doing.

Definitely so much more than I would be able to conceive on my own.

So I am learning not to hate the pushing.

Even the pulling that is occurring in my life even as I write.

Because I have begun to catch glimpses of what my Heavenly Father sees.

In me.

And it is not so much what I was ever originally thinking for myself.

It is different and full of potential to go places that I could only ever dream of.

Just like me, I hope and pray that my daughter begins to see where God is calling her to be.

Pushing her out of her comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory.

Coming to realize that she can only achieve what she dreams about if He is at her helm.

The captain of her ship.

Pushing her to be the best of herself but with love so painfully gentle and merciful that she won't want to resist.

It is no different than what I pray for myself.

What I am hoping for us both.

But I hope that when we feel the compelling...... instead of feeling like we are being pushed, that we will willingly choose to go.

Wherever He's leading. 

No longer resenting being pushed but instead seeing it as being led.

And in turn leading others and pointing to the Source of all of who we are.

Even if we are standing alone... by our Captain.... sure of the direction we are heading toward.

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it."  Psalm 139:1-6