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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Schedule Interrupted

Have you ever had those moments in your life when you don't really like yourself?
Or, not liked how you reacted to any one situation or circumstance?
Revealing a deeper condition of your heart that you may have thought wasn't so bad?
I have.
And today was such a day.....

I am a detailed person.
I run my life activities by my calendar.
If I fail to consult it.... I am a mess and have lost my way.
I forget things and get things messed up.
Even my best efforts at recording things gets confused if I am distracted in the process of recording. Especially when it comes to my wanting to help others and be available to them.
I get so frustrated with myself.
But what I get most frustrated with is my inability to deal well with any interruption in my day to day routines.
I wish it didn't matter.
I wish I was easier going in regards to this part of me.
I love spontaneity. But when it comes to the daily getting up, making lunches, breakfast on the go, and making it to school on time.... I have it wired and all figured out.
So when something happens or someone throws a wrench in my well ordered way of doing things I get a little.... well...... not nice.
And not really me.
Which in turn makes it worse because now am I not only frustrated with the situation but with myself. 
It gets complicated in my head and inadvertently becomes an issue. 
For me and those around me.

And like most of my life lessons I knew that God would halt the experience and allow me to examine it and take a step back.
I've always known that I "feel" annoyed when others invade my space uninvited but I've never really understood why.
I've just chalked it up to human condition.
But when I take it out on the people I love most especially when they are just trying to help.... I have to give myself a mental slap on the hand. 
I realize that although I love change, I like it when I have a semblance of control over it.
I am aware that this does not make a whole lot of sense. 
And what I've also realized is that I have been asking God to "interrupt" my life for a while now, without really understanding what that means.
If I struggle with my daily routine being messed with and  feel like things are heading down a muddy slope fast when it happens, then how can I be okay with God coming in and moving around freely in the places in my heart that otherwise have been closed off to Him?

I know that so many times in my life that I have kidded myself into thinking that if I give God the really big stuff, like hurts, unforgivness, and the like, that He won't really care if I keep some of the "little" stuff for myself. Shoved in the closets.
I have learned, the hard way, that all that little stuff eventually gets bigger and becomes possibly bigger than the things I let Him get rid of. Eventually filling up my rooms with more "stuff".

If  I confess to wanting more of God in my life.... in every area. I need to understand and accept what it will cost.
Allowing for the moving and rendering that will have to take place.  He wants me to trust Him. To not flip out when things are not comfortable or routine, or how I have come to expect Him to work and do things.
It feels like having a blind fold on. Not being able to see and trusting Him to lead.
I believe that the true trust comes with the reaching out of my hands and grasping onto His. Allowing Him to lead me. Even when it seems a little scary and unfamiliar.
Giving  Him permission to continue moving about the rooms in my heart. Boxing up the things that have long ago lost their value and place.
And replacing them with the permanence of faith that is grounded, and the knowledge and love of Him that is ongoing and growing.
Trusting Him with the deepest parts of me..... interrupting.... and changing.

....until another tomorrow.


"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 The Message Bible

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