I have never had a lot of friends.
I was usually the odd girl out.
As far back as I can remember it has always been this way.
Me trying to have good friends. Doing my best to be a "best" friend.
It just never seemed to stick.
Even in my family I was the odd one out.
My cousin and brother used to play, make forts and do all manner of things I thought might be fun to do together. They didn't.
They ditched me every second they got.
I guess my ideas of a car city complete with school house, bank, and grocery store didn't entice them.
Or instead of mud pies I thought it would be great to make mud cakes complete with decorations and stick candles. They didn't go for that either.
School wasn't much different. I often played by myself.
I was a dreamer. I would create stories in my head about everything. I could conjure up the most fantastic story ideas just by walking by a pile of rocks that looked like silver with the sun reflecting off of them.
I remember so many of my stories.
They were my friends.
The few friends I would make weren't very nice to me.
They probably thought me odd.
My head was often in the clouds.
It was my escape.
My life at home wasn't very good.
My dad didn't love me enough to stick around and mom was distracted by my alcoholic step dad and sick brother.
The only thing I looked forward to was getting to spend week-ends with my grandma.
She would pick me up and take me out to eat (which was a huge treat), and ask me what I wanted to do.
It was about me.
Not in this selfish way. But in the "I love you so much that I care about what YOU want to do" way.
I lived for those week-ends. I got to eat grilled cheese sandwiches and pudding all week-end long.
I have often analyzed why I was the way I was. Why I am the way I am.
I'm still a bit of a loner.
I still often feel like the odd girl out, and most times I'm o.k. with it.
But not lately. Lately I am insecure and lonely. And I hate it. I don't like "needing" anyone.
I had gotten really good at building up this protective barrier between myself and anyone around me with the potential to wound.
But I hesitate to engage because I don't do needy either. I don't want anyone "needing" me.
That holds potential for even bigger disaster. Because I will disappoint them. And I will let them down.
And I don't think I should be anybody's everything.
So here I am. Between the rock and the cliff.
Barely hanging on and very close to teetering off the edge.
I cried about it the other day.
My husband tried to reassure me. It didn't help really.
I knew the truth of it all.
I am the still the friend that "everyone" loves but often forgets.
I think I created my own monster. Allowing people just close enough to care but not too close to get hurt. For either of us.
It has felt safer that way. For me and for them.
I think God is wanting me to re-consider my philosophy.
I'm still not o.k. with codependency. I think that in and of itself is not good.
But I have come to realize that I do need people. Specific people in my life. Close enough to love and love me back.
That's it really. I have friends who are special to me but they all seem to be at a distance. I don't even know if I know how to let them get any closer.
It's a weird phenomenon. I have often asked God why? Especially in those moments when my "close" friends have parties and celebrations and "oops" forgot to invite me.
Am I that forgettable? Or is there a bigger plan at work? Could God be behind it? Not that I think He finds joy in hurting me or allowing me pain, but I think that He has often allowed it so that I can glean from it. I'm not sure, but on dissecting and really thinking and praying on it I have come to some conclusions.
When I have been at my lowest points of feeling alone and forgotten I have drawn closer and closer to my Heavenly Father.
And when I have wanted more from the friendships I think I am ready to take a chance on they often suddenly aren't there.
So I run back into my daddy's arms. It has produced a dependancy on God that I realize I didn't want either. Because, He might forget me too. But He hasn't.
I am learning and He is showing me that that will never be true. At just the right moments and at just the right time He comes and saves my day. My life. I know that He has created this thing in us to need one another but I still can't hold with the idea of being dependent on anyone but Him. I am still working through this one.
It's what has been plaguing me for the last few weeks. This need in me and yet this repulsion. The hesitation and the fear.
And deep down I know that I am still that girl. The odd dreamer who would rather spend her day on a grassy hillside underneath a blue sky with puffy white clouds slowly moving overhead. I am still that girl.
Others may not get me and even misunderstand, but I know One who does get me and understands me more fully than I do myself.
This isn't a solution to my problem but the process of it. I have a feeling I may always be this way. Or maybe not.
But one thing I do know for sure is that God will NEVER change and He will always love me.
JUST THE WAY I AM.......
....until another tomorrow.
"In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed; In Your righteousness deliver me. Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly; Be to me a rock of strength, A stronghold to save me. For You are my rock and my fortress; For your name's sake You will lead me and guide me. You will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, For You are my strength."