We all are.
We can mean something with the best of intentions. Wanting whatever it is and even setting goals to attain it.
And then as soon as any given circumstance happens we forget. Forget what we just worked so hard to believe and hold onto.
It's in our nature and it almost feels unavoidable. And I don't like it. About me or about anyone else. Why do we always complicate and make it harder. It's really us that the damage is done to.
I have been trying so hard to hold onto hope. Hope that everything that seems jumbled and confusing will somehow work out. Where once there were wrinkles and creases, would change to smoothness and flowing lines.
Provision is not something I have ever really worried about. God has always been faithful to my family. ALWAYS.
But that doesn't mean that there aren't times when I get those familiar knots in my stomach. I grew up with them. From the time of my childhood growing up with a single mom and a brother in and out of the hospital. We never had a lot and we often went without. My mom's faith is what kept us from drowning. That and her perseverance to not fail us. So we never starved and we were never homeless. But I knew. I felt the worry and at times the despair.
So when I see the familiar diorama begin to play out in my own life I begin to fall back on what I know. What is familiar. That doesn't necessarily mean it is what is right.
Our old ways are usually not what we should rely on. Unless we are super learned in the ways of faith. Which I'm not.
I am still learning. I still feel like a fledgeling plant that has barely sprouted out of the ground. I have been fighting my way up through the dirt for so long that I have been rejoicing at the fact that I can see light now and feel the warming rays of the sun the calming effects of the dew..... but now is when the real work begins.
I realize that coming into the open means being exposed to the elements. It is when my roots are being shaken and the strength of the core of who I am is put to the test.
It opens my eyes to where I am in my faith and where I need to be. I get so disappointed with myself, that I am not farther and stronger than the plant next to me. But what I and so many of us fail to see is what has gone on before and the nicks and tears that others have had to endure to get the kind of faith that exists where they currently reside.
It would seem that every night my prayer ends with "God please help me.", and begins each morning with, "I can do this."
I realize that my prayer needs to shift a bit. Be re-worded to.... "We can do this."
God and I. Together. Not me alone like I so often try to do.
I like so many am human. Prone to wander as my pastor so lovingly coins it.
I want to stay rooted. I want those roots to run deep and strong so that when the storms, pests, and huge happenings come in my life that I won't shrink back into the ground.
I want to be someone who others look to and want to grow next to. Not because I am spectacular or wonderful, but because of the tears that faintly show and tell my story.
And ultimately that I would point to the One who has watered and sown me.
I wasn't sure about writing today.... I didn't even have the clarity that I usually do.
But as I close I have one prominent thought......
I want to be faithful. Even when I don't feel it. When I want to cry and curl up in fetal position.
I.... want.... to.... be...... faithful.
I hope you want it too.
We only need ask.
HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL. And He never wanders.
Oh, what a good thing that is. He is always near and always available to mend, and surround us with the nourishing soil that we need to grow and become stronger.
God bless you today as you go about doing what needs to be done. I pray that He will be at the forefront of your thoughts.
....until another tomorrow.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.".......
....."And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."