Grappling and Grasping

A grapple: an instrument for hooking or holding; to seize; to lay fast hold of, to grip.

Grasping: seizing; avaricious; to grasp is to grip, to comprehend.

These words have similar meanings and are similar in their function.

I have been living out them both.

I have been grappling and grasping.

There has been this something that has had it's grasp on me for so long. 

It came calling last night with a vengeance. 

And it doesn't want to let go. 

This behemoth obstacle that I can't just toss off and fling away. 

I have grappled with it for most of my life. 

Tried to grasp why it has been allowed to have this power over me. 

At times it is weak, hardly able to hold onto me.... and at other times so strong that it is twisting my arm painfully behind me forcing me to my knees crying out in pain.

I have been content before to just push it, sometimes even shoving it aside, and continuing on my way.

Ignore it if I have to.

But I have reached a point in my life when it is staring me down, right smack in the middle of my road. And I can't get around it. Not this time.

I know that the time has come to deal with it once and for all.

It is threatening so much. My life, my faith, and the very life of my children.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of the questions. Scared of the answers. Of all the unknowns.

But it won't let me pass this time and standing beyond it..... is my Heavenly Father.

He is behind it. 

Not only in where He is standing in proximity, but in the reason it is now something that I must face and deal with.

For so long I have blamed the devil.

It has been easier that way. In many ways.

And I don't doubt that he has used it in my life many times. 

To cripple me and hold me back.

To render me immobile for periods of time.

But I have been forced..... to look it right in the face..... eye to eye....... and decide.

To acknowledge that what I once thought I had defeated long ago has just been lying in wait. For the right time..... 

Am I going to take it on? Am I capable? Am I ready?

I don't "feel" strong enough.

And yet.... when I look beyond it, into the eyes of my God.... I see reassurance.

Confidence I don't feel..... that I don't have.

I know it is in the way.

The last "big" thing between me and Him.

I feel it growing. Not just in width trying to block out my view of Him who means most, but in height too.

I can feel it's shadow and the acrid breath as it leans in and gets right in my face.

I want to shrink back.

To cry and drop my head.

I want to run.

But I have been given a choice.

If I turn, I have this deep seeded feeling that I will never know what is just on the other side.

Promises I have waited so long for that I have often despaired that I will never see them with my own eyes.

No one can help me. 

I know this strongly.

It is my own fight. My battle that needs to be either won or given up on.

If I don't fight and face my enemy head on, he will forever stalk me.

Waiting for the right moments to strike.

To lay me low. To kill me. And the faith that has carried me for so long.

I may get up, but I won't be the same.

I want this victory.

I am tired of his taunts.

Of his torment.

I hate him. This thing.

No longer willing to be pushed out of the way or put aside for later...... he is demanding my full attention.

His name is fear. 

And his arsenal is full.

My own seems paltry by comparison.

"How am I supposed to defeat him God?"

I need You........ he has made me afraid.

To trust..... to draw any closer to You.

I am afraid that when he is out of the way that the God I want so desperately to know will not be the God I believed You to be.

It has been easier to have him there. The undeniable enemy. 

Instead of discovering the things about You that I can't understand. 

Accepting what I can not change.

Faintly...... softly.... like the whisper of a winter wind bringing with it the promise of more.....

I can hear it........

The sound is almost weakened by the pounding of my heart and the tremors that have taken me over.

......... "know me."........

           ....."Know me".......

                    ...."Know Me".......

                              ..."KNOW ME".....

....until another tomorrow.

~m.