Schedule Interrupted

Have you ever had those moments in your life when you don't really like yourself?

Or, not liked how you reacted to any one situation or circumstance?

Revealing a deeper condition of your heart that you may have thought wasn't so bad?

I have.

And today was such a day.....

I am a detailed person.

I run my life activities by my calendar.

If I fail to consult it.... I am a mess and have lost my way.

I forget things and get things messed up.

Even my best efforts at recording things gets confused if I am distracted in the process of recording. Especially when it comes to my wanting to help others and be available to them.

I get so frustrated with myself.

But what I get most frustrated with is my inability to deal well with any interruption in my day to day routines.

I wish it didn't matter.

I wish I was easier going in regards to this part of me.

I love spontaneity. But when it comes to the daily getting up, making lunches, breakfast on the go, and making it to school on time.... I have it wired and all figured out.

So when something happens or someone throws a wrench in my well ordered way of doing things I get a little.... well...... not nice.

And not really me.

Which in turn makes it worse because now am I not only frustrated with the situation but with myself. 

It gets complicated in my head and inadvertently becomes an issue. 

For me and those around me.

And like most of my life lessons I knew that God would halt the experience and allow me to examine it and take a step back.

I've always known that I "feel" annoyed when others invade my space uninvited but I've never really understood why.

I've just chalked it up to human condition.

But when I take it out on the people I love most especially when they are just trying to help.... I have to give myself a mental slap on the hand. 

I realize that although I love change, I like it when I have a semblance of control over it.

I am aware that this does not make a whole lot of sense. 

And what I've also realized is that I have been asking God to "interrupt" my life for a while now, without really understanding what that means.

If I struggle with my daily routine being messed with and  feel like things are heading down a muddy slope fast when it happens, then how can I be okay with God coming in and moving around freely in the places in my heart that otherwise have been closed off to Him?

I know that so many times in my life that I have kidded myself into thinking that if I give God the really big stuff, like hurts, unforgivness, and the like, that He won't really care if I keep some of the "little" stuff for myself. Shoved in the closets.

I have learned, the hard way, that all that little stuff eventually gets bigger and becomes possibly bigger than the things I let Him get rid of. Eventually filling up my rooms with more "stuff".

If  I confess to wanting more of God in my life.... in every area. I need to understand and accept what it will cost.

Allowing for the moving and rendering that will have to take place.  He wants me to trust Him. To not flip out when things are not comfortable or routine, or how I have come to expect Him to work and do things.

It feels like having a blind fold on. Not being able to see and trusting Him to lead.

I believe that the true trust comes with the reaching out of my hands and grasping onto His. Allowing Him to lead me. Even when it seems a little scary and unfamiliar.

Giving  Him permission to continue moving about the rooms in my heart. Boxing up the things that have long ago lost their value and place.

And replacing them with the permanence of faith that is grounded, and the knowledge and love of Him that is ongoing and growing.

Trusting Him with the deepest parts of me..... interrupting.... and changing.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 The Message Bible

Pushed

Push.

I don't really like this word.

It usually conjures up feelings of being forced and made to do something I don't want to do or would rather not.

I don't know many people who like to be told what to do. And I am one of them.

This has been a struggle for me my whole life.

Even if I know that I am being pushed for the right reasons. 

So then, if I hate it so much, why would I push my kids to do things I know is potentially good for them but not what they want to do?

This is what I would call an "Aha!" moment for me.

Let me start at the beginning.......

I signed my daughter up, with her permission and at my side, for student leadership at school.

She is a natural born leader, but has been reluctant to do so due to not being sure of herself just yet. 

I can respect and understand that. Completely.

She was notified of the first meeting and suddenly caught a case of the "I don't want to, and this is stupid" syndrome.

I made her go.

I pushed.

I should know better.

She is too much like me.

But I also know that I didn't have anyone who encouraged that in me when I was her age. 

I was told to be responsible, more organized, but not to take the lead.

So I never saw myself that way. Not until I became an adult and started to figure myself out.

Even then, I wasn't so sure of who I was. I am still in the process of figuring.

She doesn't see what I see. What we all see.

A confidence and assurance when she is standing for what she knows is right.

Not caring what anyone else thinks when she has decided to not go with the flow and is standing alone.

Passion for what she loves and tenacity for what she believes.

This is what I see.

A leader in it's purest form.

But she doesn't see it yet. And doesn't quite believe me when I tell her what I think.

It was in this process of my thinking that I had my Aha! moment.

Could it be that when I have often felt the "push" of God that I don't like and am not particularly thankful for at the moment, that it is good for me and exactly what I need?

That maybe he sees something that I don't?

More than I can see?

Can my vision of myself be so limited that I see only what is right in front of me and not what is deep inside? 

Even if I inherently want more and know that I have been born for just that? Or maybe because my idea of what it should look like is very different than what I think He is leading me toward?

Maybe.

Probably.

Okay.... Yes. 

But just like my daughter, even though I know it is probably what I need, I resist. 

It helps to know that just like me with my little girl, that God does see the bigger picture.

My potential.

What I am capable of and worthy of doing.

Definitely so much more than I would be able to conceive on my own.

So I am learning not to hate the pushing.

Even the pulling that is occurring in my life even as I write.

Because I have begun to catch glimpses of what my Heavenly Father sees.

In me.

And it is not so much what I was ever originally thinking for myself.

It is different and full of potential to go places that I could only ever dream of.

Just like me, I hope and pray that my daughter begins to see where God is calling her to be.

Pushing her out of her comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory.

Coming to realize that she can only achieve what she dreams about if He is at her helm.

The captain of her ship.

Pushing her to be the best of herself but with love so painfully gentle and merciful that she won't want to resist.

It is no different than what I pray for myself.

What I am hoping for us both.

But I hope that when we feel the compelling...... instead of feeling like we are being pushed, that we will willingly choose to go.

Wherever He's leading. 

No longer resenting being pushed but instead seeing it as being led.

And in turn leading others and pointing to the Source of all of who we are.

Even if we are standing alone... by our Captain.... sure of the direction we are heading toward.

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it."  Psalm 139:1-6

Worship and Abandon

I bought this new CD on the recommendation of a good friend.

I usually listen through the first few parts of the songs before skipping to the next one to see how I like it all.

I rarely sit and hear it all the way through the first time. I want to find the ones I connect with first and then make them my own. 

Eventually I go to the others once I've settled into my favorites.

I skipped to the songs that were familiar and began to listen from there.

I have been filling my car and my home with the sounds of it ever since I got it.

I love that everywhere I go I am hearing songs of praise to my God.

It inspires me. 

To be more. 

To live more.

To want more than I usually settle for on any given day.

It's simple really.

Such a small thing. To change and alter the direction of thought by just playing what can potentially eradicate your day.

I have walked with more purpose. Thought with more clarity.

Not allowed worry and the things that can weigh me down to crowd in.

It isn't as though the enemy isn't trying. 

I can feel him dogging my every step.

But it just makes me want to sing louder.

Raise my voice with arms outstretched on either side of me.

Surrendered and in complete abandon to His presence.

Without reservation.

It's amazing when it becomes a way of life. It then becomes how it is, not what it can be.

That's how it was in church during worship yesterday. When it might usually take me five, ten minutes to "get into" worship, I was able to enter right in.

Down on my knees and in complete surrender. Not caring what anyone else was thinking.

That's how I want every day to be. Every moment. Worshipful and full of praise.

I know it is a high expectation.

That life will inevitably get in the way.

But in those moments when I am feeling most weighed down and under siege, my prayer is that I will remember to look up throw out my arms and worship Him.

Simply because of Who He is. Knowing that He is more than able.

More than capable of handling anything that I bring before Him.

So if you happen to drive by someday as I am watering my lawn, or driving in my car, and you see my mouth moving with out anyone else in the passenger seat, music blaring, in a posture that might seem odd......

I am praising my God.

I hope I will inspire you to join me.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the Lord; The humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together." Psalm 34:1-3

Consumed

There has been something that has been nagging me for the past few days.

This feeling that won't go away.

I have been walking around in this lethargic state. Tired. Worn out.

Life can do that to you. 

I'm not unhappy. Just here. And not fully in touch with any one thing around me.

It has left me restless and unsure. 

I could use a lot of things as excuses and point to any number of them as the reason behind my present state of being.

But none of that makes it okay, or an acceptable state for my life.

For the last year God has been in the process of breaking me. Slowly.

It hasn't felt slow, but I know that He could have done it so much swifter and with a greater degree of pain. So I have become okay with the process..... thankful for it even.

Two years ago I asked God to break me, remove the things that were getting in His way, and make me hungry for Him.

I had no idea what I was really praying for or the reality of what the answer might entail.

Someone asked me, upon sharing it with them, what I was thinking? "You know what that means right?"

I thought I did as I confidently affirmed my decision.

What ensued over the next two years would change my life. And completely destroy it.

I have felt called to do this. This thing that I do. Some call it writing, others may call it something entirely different. 

I believe that it is a living testament of God in my life. My ongoing story. My testimony. 

And something that I feel God has asked me to do.

I am not perfect. Far from it. And being obedient in this is not always easy.

Most days it is tough.

I am flawed and marred. I bear the scars of my past life, and of the one I am currently living.

But I am being transformed day by day, and being loved by a God so good that I believe that it will take my whole life to fully grasp just how good He is.

I don't understand Him all the time but I am trying to scoot closer and closer, my hope being that some day that I will be right at His feet. Able to reach out and touch Him.

I want to be consumed by Him. Just saying it scares me. It is a vulnerable thing to admit.

It feels like laying on your back in a swimming pool. Treading water and moving your arms back and forth. You can't see under you and you can't really look side to side. The only direction you can see clearly is up.

That's what I want. What I have been crawling toward.

And it has required all of me.

Just when I think I have given it all, He wants more.

I realize that He wouldn't ask if I didn't have it to give. It isn't the good parts of me either, but the things that I have shoved in my closet. The things that have been pressing on the door and bulging at the seams.

Those are the things that He has been asking for. They are the things that I want to be kept hidden. Away from Him and prying eyes.

I have tried to satisfy Him with the "little" things. Reaching in and grabbing the easiest ones first. 

A year ago, He gently moved me out of the way and opened the door.

Everything came crashing out. Surrounding me and Him.

I wasn't happy about it. I was mad. I asked Him to help me not destroy me. I have come to realize that in order for me to be who He has created me to be, I have to allow Him to undo the mess I have created. Undo me and build me back up. From my foundation.

I feel as though I only have a frame to my structure, and I daily get frustrated with myself that the process isn't going faster. 

I want the state of the art Christianity.

I want to be all decked out, immaculate, and perfect.

I have a long way to go.

But the hands that I feel on me, piecing me together and restructuring, are loving and gentle.

Tender.

And when I stray even in my thought processes I can feel the pull and the draw. The tension that comes when you have gone away from the thing that is holding you to it.

So I let myself be pulled back. Sometimes gladly and at other times with a huge sigh.

Day by day. Bit by bit.

And my prayer is that pretty soon I hope that what I see will be different than what I was.

Only a glimmer of who I used to be.

Stronger and more settled. No longer unsure of who I am or of the God I profess to love.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, That we may live before Him. "So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth."  Hosea 6:1-3

The Gage of Compromise

"Mom,  did you know that I have the unmessiest messy handwriting of all the boys in my classroom?"

This was the intuitive question posed to me this morning on the way to school.

He probably knew what my response was going to be. 

It has been an ongoing conversation between us for the last three years. 

First, when I home-schooled him, then when he entered the classroom again. 

But he continues to try and state his position and his argument.

He is trying to make it o.k. to not try any harder than he has to and make the standard of acceptance below what he and I both know he is capable of.

And he knows he's wrong. He knows that he can do better, and has often.

After responding to his question that I knew he really didn't want an answer to I was hit with his response.

"It takes more time to do it right."

I realized in that moment that what the deeper issue was is that it takes more of him.

And more from him.

The requirement, if he chooses to be okay with not doing his best, is a standard that gets lowered. So even if he does better than his worst it still looks okay and maybe even begins to look good.

I wasn't too shocked by our conversation this morning.

It seems to be a subject that keeps coming up these days.

In church, with friends, in my home, and in my own life.

As our standards seem to have lowered it would seem that God's standards for our lives is on the rise.

Or is it as it has always been and I have become accustomed to and familiar with the okay that has become the norm?

In light of God and His precepts for our lives, when compared with our mediocrity of living, things begin to look different.... take on new meaning. Not look as good as we first presumed them to be.

All of a sudden what should have been all along becomes a revelation.

I sometimes wonder how God does it. How He stays so patient with us, with me, and our attempts to take His role and be Him in our own lives.

I think I would lose it. Reach a point where I just say "Enough is enough!" In many ways I believe God is saying that now. Just not in the way I would. Thank goodness.

He is gracious and loving. Kind and long-suffering. And I know that I struggle with all of that.

BUT God is also just and righteous. Full of integrity....... which means that He doesn't go back on His word and He keeps His standards set. He never changes. They never change.

And just because we think that it should be okay to measure ourselves along side the "messiest" of people and feel good about ourselves, we are missing completely what it is that God has for us if we could just focus on pleasing Him and tracing our steps after His.

It has amazed me how often this sentence has come up when other Christians and I have had  conversations about the relativity of God's Word;

"What it means for you may be different than what it means for me."

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

I have come to believe through the study of God's word, and my own failed attempts, that His Word doesn't change. It hasn't changed. And no amount of trying to change it has ever worked out.

So why would we think that even if we choose to believe in what God has said, that we can bend and twist it to make it look and feel okay to us? In a way that "feels" more comfortable?

To try and mold it next to our standard and try and make it stick.

None of us are dumb. I think we all realize and know that what we are doing is wrong. 

Just like my son. And he was trying valiantly to make it okay as I have often done myself.

But I believe with all my heart in the answer I gave to him today, and I truly believe that it is an echo of what God is trying to say to us now......

"Your teacher deserves your best. God calls us to give our best. We are not expected to be perfect, but we are called to live out the deepest parts of our hearts. If that is compromised then what we allow to be okay in our lives will always be less than what God wants from us. If good is always the best than we will never experience the greater. If we are lining up our standard by others around us using them as our gage, especially those who aren't following God, than we will always come up with a skewed understanding of what is right. But if we are constantly trying to measure our lives and our motives by God's Word, than we will not only find that our standards begin to  change, but we will also feel the benefit of His blessings in our lives. It becomes a job well done. And it always feels good when you have done what you know was right and did it well."

Even if it takes more.... of you.... of your time..... and of your heart.

There is nothing that can compare to it.

And the benefits far outweigh what it takes if we don't choose right. Without compromise.

Gaged along God's standards and not my own. Or anyone else's. Even if we "think" they are okay......

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; In keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults. Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me; Then I will be blameless, And I shall be acquitted of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer."  Psalm 19:7-14

Deeper Still.....

It has been a rough few days.

So many things going on around and in me to even explain fully in a way that would even make sense. 

It will probably take me days to just process through it all.

But I will begin with what is forefront in my mind. Center stage if you will.

I'm sure it is obvious to anyone who takes the time to read my blogs that I really only have one purpose. At least this is my deepest hope.....

To bring glory to God through the testimony of my life.

No other reason really, although I obviously love to write. I realize that this form of expression for me IS the way the I have been called, for now, to share that which I feel God is drawing me to and out of.

I had a devastating circumstance happen to me around 10:47pm Thursday night. 

And I've realized that although I cried and hurt over it, that I approached it much differently than I have approached similar circumstances in the past. 

For one, because I find myself in unchartered territory in the regards to my vulnerability and my emotions, I found that I felt the impact much more deeply.

And I didn't think that was possible. I now stand corrected. :)

And two, instead of ringing my hands for a little bit like a lost child, I immediately took action.

I prayed. And I sought out those that I knew would honestly join me. 

It didn't make the situation less scary, but it made it more bearable. Because I know that I am not in control. Usually this freaks the heck out of me, and I'm not saying that I am totally cured from my "control freak" tendencies, but I have found comfort in knowing that I am so puny in light of the vastness and hugeness that is my God.

I can rest in knowing that He does care. He is listening. And He wants to be in the midst of His people, with His children..... always... and especially when they are hurt and hurting.

This is what I have found comfort in the past few days.

And I have already begun to see Him move and do things that others said was impossible.

This is what draws me to Him. Not because He is answering the way we have asked, although this is such an amazing aspect for me, but because God is honest in His love for us. 

As I stood in church today and let the songs in worship roll over me like waves cresting and falling I couldn't help but move with the force of it.

Our pastor had already set us up. He came wanting us to feel and experience what he has been aching for in his own life. You could feel the pulse of his prayers that had to have been uttered with a deep and sincere heart in preparation for what he knew God is calling us all to.

So it wasn't hard to engage. To connect with the spirit of God, and let the Holy Spirit do what needed to be done.

I can't fully put into words what I was feeling and what went on except to say this; If you want more of Him, He is available.

If you want to hear from Him, make yourself accessible.

If you are longing for more in your life than the mediocre mundane, than I suggest a life surrendered and fully lived out for Christ.

There really is no other way..... any other way is not really living. It is merely existing.

Deeper. I thought that I had already begun to traverse the deepest parts of the vast ocean that I think of as my relationship with God.

I had not a clue that there is so much more, although I longed for it. I think you want to believe it but scarcely hope for it or even try for fear that you will be disappointed or worse yet, disappoint your Heavenly Father.

But I know that what I have caught a glimpse of is far more than I could ever hope to think.

I have felt that God has been wanting to stir His people for a while now, and have been frustrated that it seemed like those around me were content with "things as they are". 

I was wrong.

I am not the only one. In what I have been feeling and what God is calling and wanting from His people. From all of us.

There is more. So much more. 

Looking out I am a little frightened. The view seems endless..... so large and so vast.

And I'm not sure what will be required.

But I don't want to tread water. I want to swim. I want to ride the waves and see what God has on the horizon as I get to the crest.

I know that it requires full commitment, and a resigning of everything old in my life.

I am beginning to move my arms and kick out my legs. 

I am heading out into deeper waters. 

And I know I'm not alone.

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me."   Psalm 42:7

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12

Fences and Dancing

We love to dance. 

My family that is. We often brake out into random dancing while the I-pod is blaring a favorite song, and it is usually while doing the dinner dishes. 

I'm not sure why exactly. I think it was my youngest daughter who started it all. Not the dancing, but the music. And the dancing just came along with it. 

It's not formal or rehearsed. It is free and fun. Joyful.

Last night was such a night. My oldest daughter ran to get the music as I began lathering up the sponge with soap. My son was at the table finishing up homework, my youngest was texting a friend, and my husband was lovingly preparing my birthday dinner for the next day.

We like it loud. Well.... the kids and I do. My husband merely tolerates us and "pretends" to not take notice. 

But I can't miss the look on his face. The smile as he's working while my oldest daughter and I bump hips and giggle while turning and singing along with one of our favorite songs. And when our son gets up and starts to belt out the lyrics and brake out in some of his favorite hip hop moves, I even catch him bouncing along and grinning from ear to ear. 

It isn't really about the dancing or the music, although I have raised my kids to love both.

It is about the love. The acceptance. And the overwhelming feeling of security that comes from being together. Doing something crazy and carefree and not caring about what anyone else might think.

We have fought hard for this. My husband and I. We still are. It isn't easily gained and not merely earned.

It is something we have had to get dirty for. Beaten up over. And taken risks that we otherwise might shy away from if we hadn't already counted the cost. And knew the reward.

We are far from perfect and full of our own frailties. 

But we are loved. And because of that love we have chosen the path we are walking and at times have had to crawl on.

We have set boundaries and broken them. Cut down fences and re-built them.

We have been beaten and bruised. Torn and then mended. Dry and then replenished.

We know our source. We are learning more and more who our Shepherd is.

We have learned what it's like to go outside His protective covering and felt the pain of our own choosing.

We have also been brought back. Carried in the circle of His arms. Ashamed and convicted by our knowing that we have disappointed Him. 

And oddly, we have found joy in His discipline. And although we don't like it we've always known that it is for our good.

As we danced around the kitchen tonight I could almost feel the covering. I know it is because we have chosen to be there. And as the feeling washes over me I am overcome with the sense that our Heavenly Father is enjoying this moment with me.

He knows. He sees. He has been here from the start. He has felt and gone deep with me over the last few years of my life. With all of us.

And the thought makes me smile. 

I have a feeling He's smiling too.

He is awesome. All powerful. Revered, and even rightly feared.

And He is worthy of our praise. Our song and our dancing.

Even in the kitchen. Surrounded by our invisible fences and feeling His restoration at work.

I am thankful. Grateful. I know that not every day is a dancing day, but I am going to rejoice in the ones that are.

I hope you dance.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; In keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults. Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me; Then I will be blameless, And I shall be acquitted of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer."  Psalm 19:7-14

Fickle

Fickle......

We all are. 

We can mean something with the best of intentions. Wanting whatever it is and even setting goals to attain it. 

And then as soon as any given circumstance happens we forget. Forget what we just worked so hard to believe and hold onto.

It's in our nature and it almost feels unavoidable. And I don't like it. About me or about anyone else. Why do we always complicate and make it harder. It's really us that the damage is done to.

I have been trying so hard to hold onto hope. Hope that everything that seems jumbled and confusing will somehow work out. Where once there were wrinkles and creases, would change to smoothness and flowing lines.

Provision is not something I have ever really worried about. God has always been faithful to my family. ALWAYS.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't times when I get those familiar knots in my stomach. I grew up with them. From the time of my childhood growing up with a single mom and a brother in and out of the hospital. We never had a lot and we often went without. My mom's faith is what kept us from drowning. That and her perseverance to not fail us. So we never starved and we were never homeless. But I knew. I felt the worry and at times the despair. 

So when I see the familiar diorama begin to play out in my own life I begin to  fall back on what I know. What is familiar. That doesn't necessarily mean it is what is right.

Our old ways are usually not what we should rely on. Unless we are super learned in the ways of faith. Which I'm not. 

I am still learning. I still feel like a fledgeling plant that has barely sprouted out of the ground. I have been fighting my way up through the dirt for so long that I have been rejoicing at the fact that I can see light now and feel the warming rays of the sun the calming effects of the dew..... but now is when the real work begins.

I realize that coming into the open means being exposed to the elements. It is when my roots are being shaken and the strength of the core of who I am is put to the test.

It opens my eyes to where I am in my faith and where I need to be. I get so disappointed with myself, that I am not farther and stronger than the plant next to me. But what I and so many of us fail to see is what has gone on before and the nicks and tears that others have had to endure to get the kind of faith that exists where they currently reside.

It would seem that every night my prayer ends with "God please help me.", and begins each morning with, "I can do this."

I realize that my prayer needs to shift a bit. Be re-worded to.... "We can do this."

God and I.   Together.    Not me alone like I so often try to do.

I like so many am human. Prone to wander as my pastor so lovingly coins it.

I want to stay rooted. I want those roots to run deep and strong so that when the storms, pests, and huge happenings come in my life that I won't shrink back into the ground.

I want to be someone who others look to and want to grow next to. Not because I am spectacular or wonderful, but because of the tears that faintly show and tell my story.

And ultimately that I would point to the One who has watered and sown me.

I wasn't sure about writing today.... I didn't even have the clarity that I usually do.

But as I close I have one prominent thought......

I want to be faithful. Even when I don't feel it. When I want to cry and curl up in fetal position.

I.... want.... to.... be...... faithful.

I hope you want it too.

We only need ask. 

HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL. And He never wanders.

Oh, what a good thing that is. He is always near and always available to mend, and surround us with the nourishing soil that we need to grow and become stronger.

God bless you today as you go about doing what needs to be done. I pray that He will be at the forefront of your thoughts.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.".......

....."And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:13,19

From the Beginning

In the beginning.......

I started reading from the book of Genesis a few days ago. I wanted to start at the beginning.

I have been amazed and awed at the new revelations that God has been dropping into my heart. My life is a busy one and no matter how hard I try it doesn't seem to get less so. I usually don't get to my quiet time until everyone in my house is asleep. That really is the only quiet time I have. And so I grab my Bible, my journal, and any current commentary and settle in to read. I usually fall asleep in the midst of it all. I try really hard not to... but it happens. Despite my feeble efforts God has been blessing the small measure of time that I have been making. He has opened up more time in the mornings when the children are taken to school and the house is beginning to settle after the craziness that is our every morning.

Today was such a day. My awe inspired reading seemed a distant memory as I rushed around getting lunches made, breakfast in the blender (smoothies of-course), and tried to find this or that for one child or the other. My husband, who is usually a great help to me was otherwise engaged. At one point I wanted to throw my hands up and yell. And I don't yell. Ever. So you can maybe imagine where this was heading. I kept looking at my husband who was engrossed at his computer loaded down with his own weight of work and kept thinking, "Can't you see I'm drowning here? Help!" He didn't even seem to notice. I was on my own. And so I did it. I rushed and I fussed and kept my mouth shut. Tight. Because I knew that if I opened it not nice things might come running out and make a hurried morning into a muddied one.

As my son and I made the ride into school and I was trying not to break every speed law, I exhaled. I let my shoulders relax, sat deep in my seat, and took a long calming breath. In and out. And then I began to pray. Out loud. I always warn my kids before I start and as I have been doing this for so long they don't even blink. I prayed for our day, our safety, our provision, and our teachers, but what I felt most led to pray for was our hearts. I prayed the whole way to his school and ended with the amen as we entered the parking lot.

As I headed back to my car I picked my prayer right back up. I started the engine and headed back home. One of my favorite songs began to play. It might seem ironic to some that a lot of times that my I-Pod will play exactly the right song at just the right time. But I don't. 

As the words began to saturate my spirit I began to thaw. It didn't matter that I left frozen fruit melting on the counter and yogurt dripping off of spoons. It didn't matter that my bed was unmade and my clothes strewn around my room. None of it mattered. 

..... My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me. My God He was, My God He is, My God He's always gonna be......

The words washed over me. And as I drove I belted it out right along with Aaron Shust. 

In the beginning.... of it all.... was my God.

And He is still here. 

Even when I have messy mornings and crazy upside down days. He's there. Ready to save me. Ready to love on me and calm my heart and my spirit. 

As I cleaned up my morning mess after getting home I realized that it wasn't as bad as I imagined as I was driving away from it all.

I had come home with a new perspective. Focused not on me and what I didn't do right this morning but on the One who has been there from the beginning.

I wonder if Jesus had those kind of mornings? Trying to get the disciples motivated? Having to endure their grumbling and complaining and constant doubting. Just trying to get where He needed to go and meet with those who needed Him most. I wonder...... and I have a deep feeling that He understands it all. I love this about Him. He sympathizes with my emotion, with my struggle, with the humanity of it all. And He's been here since the beginning. Before I was born.

There is a deep comfort in that. He knows it all. And sees it all. And knows what hasn't even been yet.

So I am going forward with my day..... with the knowing that I am not going alone. I am walking with the One who has been there all along.

And He loves me. 

Even when I'm messy and making life a crazy one.

He Is as He has always been.

Here.

God bless your day. As you come and as you go. I hope you remember Who is going about it with you.

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God"....

"All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being." John 1:1,3

"For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -- all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:16,17

Overwhelmed

I have been overwhelmed. 

By life, my to do lists, expectations, everything.

I don't like it. I forget things that I shouldn't.

I forgot two important appointments last week. It was frustrating. It was disheartening.

It shows me one more aspect of my weaknesses. Something I don't like being reminded of.

And to top it all off, I got sick this week-end. I was so looking forward to time with my family, sleeping in, and doing what I wanted. I should insert a laugh here, because I realize that any time I set out to do just what I want that my plans are usually disrupted. Just not usually like this.

I was overwhelmed. I missed church. Something that I don't like to do, but I was feeling so overwhelmed that I was almost okay with it....... almost.

So I sat down today to "catch up", to do the right thing and not miss church.

And I got overwhelmed...... again.

But this time, this time it was completely different. 

As I was listening to the worship and began to engage closing my eyes and singing, my computer went on sleep mode. When I opened my eyes I saw the pictures flashing randomly on the screen. Beautiful pictures of nature. And it overwhelmed me with WHO my God is. 

He is amazing. He is glorious. His wonders can not be compared.

I don't want to be overwhelmed by my life. I don't want it to control me and direct my steps. And I certainly don't want it to be the gage and compass by which I find my direction.

I want to be overwhelmed by God and His presence.

It wipes out everything else until it all becomes like grains of sand. When you compare all of the "stuff" in your life with it, it is overshadowed by the covering that His love provides. 

It covers it ALL.

Like walking in a beautiful wooded forest. Lush greens and moist earth beneath your feet. The smell of the air so rich and pure that you breath deep to soak it all in.

That is what it feels like to me to take in and bask in the presence of God.

The calm that being close to Him brings.

It is THEN I am overwhelmed by Him. ALL of Him.

Who He is. What He can do. And what He is capable of, but most of all...... His love for me.

For all of us. As little as we deserve it, He just does. 

I hope you take a "walk" today. To experience just what I am trying to convey. For no other reason but to be with Him. And I pray that you will experience just what I have.

His glory. His majesty. 

And I pray that you will breath deep. Letting it fill your lungs and infuse your entire being. Letting yourself go. Letting yourself feel.

And opening your eyes to the beauty of Him. Overshadowing over all that would try to overshadow Him. And being amazed by Him. 

.... until another tomorrow.

~m.

"One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock."   Psalm 27:4,5

End note: I has stopped the video of my church service in the middle of my worship to write. I finished it after I wrote todays blog. I had no idea that what Scott was going to speak would connect so completely with what God laid in my heart. I hope you take a chance to listen. You won't be disappointed.  It  is the 9-13-09 message by Scott Britt @ http://www.zcc.org/. 

God bless  your day!!

Solitary

I have never had a lot of friends.

I was usually the odd girl out.

As far back as I can remember it has always been this way. 

Me trying to have good friends. Doing my best to be a "best" friend. 

It just never seemed to stick.

Even in my family I was the odd one out. 

My cousin and brother used to play, make forts and do all manner of things I thought might be fun to do together. They didn't.

They ditched me every second they got.

I guess my ideas of a car city complete with school house, bank, and grocery store didn't entice them.

Or instead of mud pies I thought it would be great to make mud cakes complete with decorations and stick candles. They didn't go for that either.

School wasn't much different. I often played by myself.

I was a dreamer. I would create stories in my head about everything. I could conjure up the most fantastic story ideas just by walking by a pile of rocks that looked like silver with the sun reflecting off of them.

I remember so many of my stories. 

They were my friends.

The few friends I would make weren't very nice to me.

They probably thought me odd.

My head was often in the clouds. 

It was my escape.

My life at home wasn't very good.

My dad didn't love me enough to stick around and mom was distracted by my alcoholic step dad and sick brother.

The only thing I looked forward to was getting to spend week-ends with my grandma.

She would pick me up and take me out to eat (which was a huge treat), and ask me what I wanted to do.

It was about me. 

Not in this selfish way. But in the "I love you so much that I care about what YOU want to do" way.

I lived for those week-ends. I got to eat grilled cheese sandwiches and pudding all week-end long.

I have often analyzed why I was the way I was. Why I am the way I am.

I'm still a bit of a loner.

I still often feel like the odd girl out, and most times I'm o.k. with it. 

But not lately. Lately I am insecure and lonely. And I hate it. I don't like "needing" anyone.

I had gotten really good at building up this protective barrier between myself and anyone around me with the potential to wound.

But I hesitate to engage because I don't do needy either. I don't want anyone "needing" me.

That holds potential for even bigger disaster. Because I will disappoint them. And I will let them down. 

And I don't think I should be anybody's everything.

So here I am. Between the rock and the cliff.

Barely hanging on and very close to teetering off the edge.

I cried about it the other day.

My husband tried to reassure me. It didn't help really. 

I knew the truth of it all.

I am the still the friend that "everyone" loves but often forgets.

I think I created my own monster. Allowing people just close enough to care but not too close to get hurt. For either of us.

It has felt safer that way. For me and for them.

I think God is wanting me to re-consider my philosophy.

I'm still not o.k. with codependency. I think that in and of itself is not good.

But I have come to realize that I do need people. Specific people in my life. Close enough to love and love me back.

That's it really. I have friends who are special to me but they all seem to be at a distance. I don't even know if I know how to let them get any closer.

It's a weird phenomenon. I have often asked God why? Especially in those moments when my "close" friends have parties and celebrations and "oops" forgot to invite me. 

Am I that forgettable? Or is there a bigger plan at work? Could God be behind it? Not that I think He finds joy in hurting me or allowing me pain, but I think that He has often allowed it so that I can glean from it. I'm not sure, but on dissecting and really thinking and praying on it I have come to some conclusions.

When I have been at my lowest points of feeling alone and forgotten I have drawn closer and closer to my Heavenly Father.

And when I have wanted more from the friendships I think I am ready to take a chance on they often suddenly aren't there.

So I run back into my daddy's arms. It has produced a dependancy on God that I realize I didn't want either. Because, He might forget me too. But He hasn't.

I am learning and He is showing me that that will never be true. At just the right moments and at just the right time He comes and saves my day. My life. I know that He has created this thing in us to need one another but I still can't hold with the idea of being dependent on anyone but Him. I am still working through this one. 

It's what has been plaguing me for the last few weeks. This need in me and yet this repulsion. The hesitation and the fear.

And deep down I know that I am still that girl. The odd dreamer who would rather spend her day on a grassy hillside underneath a blue sky with puffy white clouds slowly moving overhead. I am still that girl.

Others may not get me and even misunderstand, but I know One who does get me and understands me more fully than I do myself.

This isn't a solution to my problem but the process of it. I have a feeling I may always be this way. Or maybe not.

But one thing I do know for sure is that God will NEVER change and He will always love me.

JUST THE WAY I AM.......

....until another tomorrow.

~m.

"In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed; In Your righteousness deliver me. Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly; Be to me a rock of strength, A stronghold to save me. For You are my rock and my fortress; For your name's sake You will lead me and guide me. You will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, For You are my strength."

Psalm 31:1-4

Stopping

She could have been mine.
She was the same height, build, and even age.
I stood like everyone else trying to catch a glimpse of her.
There was murmuring and whispering about her.
It was supposed to be a happy day. A day for fun, excitement, and more laughter than you usually pack in a normal day.
But something happened. And that all changed. For her and for me.
When I think about that day I can feel the heat of it all over again. The sun beating down. The sweat trickling down my back.
My throat felt like it was in constant need of water. And any I gave it was quickly soaked up.
It was crowded. I remember the press of people and the feeling like the walls weren't just closing in a little but the actual ceiling was coming closer as well.
I turned to my mom and asked her why we had just stopped. There was speculation as to the reason, but I am a person who doesn't hold with speculation.
I want the truth.
She gestured with her head a little in front of us in line.
I froze. There she was, on the ground. Shaking. Crying.
We began to move then. I'm not sure why, but suddenly my view of her was not obscured anymore.
I could see her clearly. I could also see her mom. She was frantic, shaking herself and trying her best to sooth away any fear.
I didn't think. I just moved.
I've tried since to analyze what I did next. It wasn't anything heroic or even very noteworthy, but what compelled me was the fact that she could have been mine.
She had fainted. The heat and little water had done their job. No one expected and certainly not someone of her age to come where only fun is supposed to reign and have a tragedy happen.
I guess fainting wouldn't be so bad if your head hadn't hit a marble corner of a wall you were standing in front of.
Her body after it fell was positioned in an awkward way that her head was flush up against the offending corner.
What probably looked so innocent moments before had instantly become an enemy.
My family tried to pass discreetly. Trying to give them space.
I couldn't. The thought that no one was doing anything but staring kept running through my head.
I had nothing to offer. Even offering help seemed a bit empty. But I had to do something.
Before I could analyze my next step I kneeled down next to her. I looked at her mom before touching her.
I asked permission first. Her mom's look was surprised but quickly changed to one of relief. She barely nodded yes. That was all I needed.
I laid my hand on her head and one on her arm.
And then I prayed.
I prayed loud. Not like a shout or even loud enough to be heard by the people behind me, but loud so that she could hear over the noise of the crowd and loud enough that I could infuse my heart into it.
It was a simple prayer. For healing... safety... peace. And for God's presence. Most of all His presence.
I couldn't speak for a second when I was done. I even kept my eyes closed tight for a moment longer.
Then I opened them. I had unknowingly brought my face close to hers as I was praying so when I opened my eyes we were face to face. Her eyes were still closed when mine opened. And then she opened hers too.
I almost fell back from where I had crouched.
Her eyes were the same color as my daughters.
Brilliant hazel. A color hard to describe but beautiful in their own right. Hers were bright with tears.
I just stared. She whispered thank you. It was echoed by her mom. It barely registered.
I suddenly realized where I was again. I felt awkward and a little unsure of myself.
I laid my hand on her mom and I got back up.
And then I walked away. There was nothing else I could do.
I prayed for her the rest of the wait in line and all the rest of that day.
We saw the paramedic take her away on a stretcher, her mom and brother following close by.
My heart broke for them. So often in life we run up into unfair situations. One's we don't ask for and ones we don't want.
But they happen. To all of us.
I'm not sure what me stopping did for them, but I know what it did for me.
It changed me. It made me think. It made me want to do more for others and not for myself. To not be so concerned about what others might think or say.

She could have been mine.
My daughter. Hurt and in a dangerous situation.
And I hope someone would stop and pray with us. Knowing that in a frantic state of mind that you don't always think to invited God in. To call out and seek His help.
I hope.
And so I did. Because that's what I would want someone to do for me. For my daughter.

I wanted to share this days ago. But the timing didn't feel right.
So I hope today will make a difference.
Maybe you will run into someone today who needs Jesus at that crises moment.
When any other time you might just sympathetically walk by, I pray that today you won't.
I pray that you will stop and offer. They may not take you up on it. But the point is is that you tried.
And maybe next time they will let you.
I don't know the difference I made for that young girl, in fact I don't even think she will remember my face. But I truly believe that she will remember that "someone" took the time and prayed for her. And maybe that will change her too.

You never know. I didn't. But now I do.
And I will never be the same from it.

God bless you today. I hope you keep your eyes open to see beyond the realm of normal and allow God to lead you into the realm of possibility.

"One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?"
And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
"This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it,'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' O these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22-35-40

.....until another tomorrow.

~m.

Something A LIttle Different

This is new for me.
Not the writing. I do that often and most times I never even put it to pen.
It's like breathing for me.
The words come and take on a life of their own.
But their not just made up stories. It's my life.
And the life of those around me.
Some I know well. Some I've just met. And others that I have had the briefest encounter with but left a powerful imprint on my heart.
And so this is what I will attempt to do.
To leave an imprint on the hearts of those who care to read.
But not my impression.
But the impression of the One who has left His indelible mark on my own heart.
Sharing how He is changing me, growing me, and as I said before impacting my life with those I come in contact with.
I hope you'll leave here a little changed. Or maybe at the very least given food for thought.
So thanks for coming.
I look forward to seeing where this goes.

....until another tomorrow.

~m.